I still haven't responded to my father's nasty-gram. I read over it for the second time tonight and thankfully my internal response is now dull, muted. I have contemplated responses over and over in my mind but can't seem to bring myself to actually forming the words beyond that. I am still angry, but thankfully, not as frequently and I guess my fear is that no matter what I respond with, I am going to be faced with another response from him that evokes negative emotions that I do not want.
I am thankful that I read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward prior to attempting contact with him. It was a tear-jerker for me. I guess there is always going to be that part of me that thinks something should change--that he will suddenly have an epiphany in life and everything will be better. Thankfully, reading that book helped me to recognize that he is who he is, there will never be a fairy-tale ending and no matter what I say or try, his vision of me will always be skewed and painful.
I just look forward to the day when I completely give up hope and can close the door without ever looking back or trying to open it again...
