Responses...

These are responses in regards to the post immediately below:

 

"I can't imagine any amount of time that could pass that I would not still cry about my mother. Any one who can't understand that has no idea what love is. A mother is not just a mother but a friend, a mentor and so many more things! It's almost like you lose your compass in life. No one can ever replace her and no one can ever love or understand you like your mom. So cry away and let it out. It's horrible and awful and just get it out and be strong again."

 

"I feel guilty every time I cry, though. For the past three years, I feel like the Tear Police are going to come arrest me for missing her. It's so hard because the more I try to bury my pain, the more it emerges in Hulk Outs and I think that is more of an issue...."

 

"Repressing is always a bad idea. I do it sometimes, too; it always ends in an explosive fight or something not good. I just cry and damn whoever doesn't understand. Only another motherless daughter I think can really understand."

 

"I have been so irritable this past week and I know it is because I can't always hold myself together and am not sure about this lunacy that makes me think that I should have to. I know my dad isn't in my life now and that he should never have had the authority to pull such a stunt--I had a beautiful lawsuit on my hands there--the police, crisis, the hospital--so many people messed up on that one--just because he wears a uniform--I could have had my own island from all the lawsuits that could have occurred.  But who sues their father, whether he is a liar and misuses his power or not???"

 

And also, shortly after, a friend shared this:

 

"So I guess showing my dad my MEMORIAL tattoo for my mom was not the right thing to do and obviously it's a sin to still be very emotional about her not being here anymore. :'( "

 

"Grief is a very sacred part of healing and how you choose to pay tribute to your mother is YOUR business. I think you did her a great honor and losing a mother leaves a scar deeper than any tattoo can ever show. Maybe he is the one out-of-touch with his emotions??? I would be lost without the other motherless daughters in my life. It is such a difficult journey--even with support from others travelling that same road...  It's about overwhelming grief, pain and an empty spot no other person can ever fill. I don't know any motherless daughter that would ever say otherwise. It's a wound years can't heal. It encompasses one's life in all areas and always does. Mine has been gone twenty years and I know I will NEVER again be the same person that I was before she died. Being motherless is the one single event that defines who I am now."

 

 

And in other news, a great triumph today! President Obama signs Violence Against Women Act 

 

Great news on the heels of the 20th anniversary of my mother being murdered by her second husband and great news as I approach the anniversary/ending of my own three-year PFA and the consequences (AKA as my father and the Great Police Fiasco of 2010) that resulted...

"Hiding Tears Leads to Deeper Damages"

Mama, You've Been On My Mind--Bob Dylan

I have such trouble with my tears. Three years ago, my father tried to use the fact that my mother's 60th birthday brought sorrow as a manipulation tool to have me committed to a state hospital for the rest of my life.  He brought police into it and had them come to my house, handcuff me and I was escorted into an ER, handcuffed, to be evaluated by my peers (I am a therapist, also). While there were other factors he tried to play into this (he also said that I was Wiccan, practiced witchcraft and believed in God), the overwhelming reason he gave for attempting to have me committed was because I still cry that she is gone. Before you try to justify his actions and say he was concerned about me and had my best interests in mind, I might mention that his actions were related to my attempts to obtain a PFA (Protection From Abuse) against an ex-boyfriend that he liked. Since the judge granted me a 3-year PFA (six months is hard to even get), earlier the same day, my father's actions had nothing to do with concern for me. At any rate, I have cried a bit this week with her birthday, yesterday (January also marked the 20-year anniversary of her murder) and it still terrifies me when I cry because it seems an acceptable reason/excuse for harassment...