Having lived through this abuse; having been gaslighted by not only my abuser, but my family and other individuals that I needed support from (not further abuse and breaking); and as a therapist that assists others with their own healing--this is by far one of the best articles that I have read to date. I highly recommend that if you read only one article today--choose this one. How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths--A Guide For Therapists, Law Enforcement, and Loved Ones
And a few direct quotes from this one:
And a few direct quotes from this one:
"Survivor
Ariel Leve explains that this form of secondary gaslighting is incredibly
traumatic to the survivor. As she says, 'It wasn’t just that my reality was
canceled, but that my perception of reality was overwritten…it wasn’t the
loudest and scariest explosions that caused the most damage. It wasn’t the
physical violence or the verbal abuse or the lack of boundaries and
inappropriate behavior. What did the real damage was the denial that these
incidents ever occurred…the erasure of the abuse was worse than the
abuse.'”
"What
we need to understand as a society is that malignant narcissism is not an 'everyday' problem. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, many of the
survivors who are reeling from the trauma of emotional abuse have encountered
individuals on the extreme end of the spectrum. They have met predatory
individuals who have systematically stripped them of their self-worth and
confidence. Victims of malignant narcissists often undergo emotional,
psychological, spiritual, financial and sometimes even sexual or physical
abuse."
"Someone
who is a malignant narcissist has characteristics that go beyond selfishness,
self-centeredness or vanity. They have antisocial traits such as a lack of
remorse, a failure to conform to social norms, impulsivity, aggression, and a
lack of conscience. This is someone who can engage in inhumane cruelty and acts
of both psychological and physical violence just to get their needs met. The narcissistic or sociopathic abuser is not 'just' a cheater, a player, or a 'difficult' individual – and you cannot
approach them as such. They tend to be chronically abusive, manipulative,
deceptive and ruthless in their mind games. They can even escalate into
horrific acts of violence."
"This
trauma bond is strong and demands attention. This was not a normal breakup. The
survivor at this point has gone through a great deal of gaslighting and needs
to work through what the abuser has done to them before they move onto actions
which actively support their healing. They need to connect to a vocabulary of
the abuse they experienced. That is why
they need to talk about their abuse first – to establish the tactics used and
the effects of these tactics – before even attempting to move forward in any
tangible way."
"Some
abusers are more sadistic than others. Some lack empathy, while others also
lack a conscience. If you want to help any survivor of psychological abuse by a
malignant narcissist, you have to help them acknowledge the mindset of what it
means to be a predator – not further gaslight them into believing that they are
dealing with someone who possesses empathy or remorse. You have to extend
empathy, compassion, and nonjudgment to the victim – not the abuser."
"At
the end of the day, all abusers have issues with their sense of entitlement,
their need for control and their stunning lack of empathy. Rather than focusing
on the victim, it’s time for society to wake up to the abusive nature of their
perpetrators."
