A dear friend and I were talking about grief today and she asked me the following: "I was thinking, do most people live with these intense feelings and just adjust to them better? Or do some of us have a genetic predisposition to feel things very intensely? It seems like some people just cope better without trying so hard. I don't know. Tired of being tired today. But I do know we'll be ok and keep moving forward. It will all be worth it one day! Trying to find the nuggets of joy in amongst all the struggle is a challenge, but those nuggets are there!"
This was my response: "I think most people try to run from their feelings. They throw themselves into their work or other activities--some embrace alcohol or drugs--anything to silence their thoughts and to prevent 'alone time' with their brains and their feelings. Some people compartmentalize their losses and 'lock them away'. That all leads to its own very real challenges down the line, though. Repressed grief (and trauma) often emerges in other ways, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, irritability and anger, there are all sorts of heartbreaking ways that it can destroy a person from the inside out.
Unfortunately, as Americans, we are expected to always put on a happy face and to not talk about things that make others 'uncomfortable'. Loss, trauma, grief, rape, domestic violence--so many things we are expected to stay silent about for the comfort of others--which is really messed up when you think about it. AND it's super unhealthy. We are expected to suffer in silence which is really the worst thing that you can do. People are expected to 'move on', 'get over it', or to simply stay silent to avoid making others uncomfortable--which leads to a huge chain of problems--also, as humans we learn by watching others. If all other humans hide their grief and traumas, that's what we try to do, too. It's all so unhealthy.
As a trauma and grief therapist for over 20 years now, I can tell you that I have seen some very heartbreaking things over buried grief and trauma. It leads to divorce, estranged family members, and other ugliness. The healthiest thing you can do is to talk honestly about it. Be open about it. And encourage others to be open about their own grief. It's very healing and healthy to be open about grief and trauma. These things DO need talked about and shared. Consider yourself a pioneer in the journey to healthy loss handling--you will do better than others in this simply because of your openness and honesty. I see it as a gift when we share these things with others and invite them to be real in their own feelings, as well. The mistake we make is saying that we are doing good and painting on a smile when we are breaking inside. Sure, others can walk away thinking 'wow, they healed quickly--how nice' but it doesn't help anybody.
This is also why some folks will run and hide from us after a significant loss or trauma, as well. When we are in touch with our feelings, sometimes it forces others into feeling their own buried losses. It is easier for some folks to just stay away from us or to get angry when we are open. And for folks that have never experienced a deep loss or had trauma--they are super confused by those of us that are open about our feelings--it's so foreign to be 'open'--they will sometimes express anger or stay away because they don't understand and it's uncomfortable.
Hopefully all of that makes sense. Most people do NOT adjust better--they simply hide their feelings or lock them away. I can tell you that with many of my therapy folks, I have sessions with them two or three times a week and they would gladly take daily therapy sessions if I offered them. They spend each of those sessions crying and struggling so that they can put on their 'happy faces' and 'stay strong' for the other people in their lives--whether it is their spouses, their kids (including adult children), friends, coworkers, etc. I always encourage them to be more open, to allow their grief to be part of who they are, they hurt themselves so much more by putting on these facades and then breaking down in private or with me, as their therapist.
Honestly? I do it, too. I cry in the shower where others can't hear. I have learned to sob silently and without outward display--I can cry and cry and cry without the people around me even realizing it. The guy I was with when my mom was murdered once asked me if I used my mom as an excuse to cry because yes, I cried nonstop and really struggled. In 2010, which would have been my mom's 60th birthday (she died at age 42), I struggled greatly. During this time, my dad tried to have me involuntarily committed to a lifelong state hospital as I was seeking a PFA (Protection From Abuse) from an abusive partner. Part of his justification in having me committed? Because I 'cry over my dead mom' (this was one of the things that he wrote in the 302 report and the "therapists" there that he reached out to that were part of his attempt to have me committed apparently ALSO felt crying over my dead mom was worthy of lifelong hospitalization--how about that???). When our mom was murdered, he forbid us kids from talking about our mom--even right after it happened. He woke my brothers up in the middle of the night--they were 9 and 13--told them that her second husband murdered her and then left them alone with their thoughts in the middle of the night, they still had to go to school the next morning. That was our reality. We weren't allowed to cry or talk about it. We were taught that tears and grieving were wrong. And this is the message that most of us get throughout our lifetime--feelings are BAD. Grief is bad. Anger is bad. Tears are bad. And then we wonder why America has anger issues and can't get along...
People often don't understand grief until it happens to them and then they feel alone with their feelings because their grief looks so different than everyone else's. It's pretty sad and heartbreaking that we are so apt to run from our feelings and to hide them. I guess that's why I do try to talk about those things more openly. And I am so glad and proud to see you openly sharing your grief journey. If we all chose that path, we could all heal. Grief is a natural part of life--none of us can hide from it forever. But learning how to share that and be open about it is the best gift you can give others. I would not be surprised if people begin coming to you for help through their own grief challenges--I am guessing that is already happening--or if you actually end up as a grief counselor down the road--for your church or otherwise. Helping others also helps bring meaning and purpose to our own losses and traumas and as we heal others, we heal, too.
That's so awesome that your daughter came to you! This, too, is one of the gifts that we receive when we are open about our grief--we have more communication with those that have passed. When we close down all of those parts of ourselves, we also close off the ability to get those messages and that's very sad, too. Grief is hard, my friend. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief and it will always be a part of us. You are on the healthiest path of healing and I am so grateful for that. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise or tell you that you need to 'move on' or any other garbage. There is no 'moving on'--you can only 'move through' grief. We each handle it in our own way, but I can say that your way is the one that will allow you to feel the best that you are able and that you are moving through your grief in a good way. Don't worry if your path appears different. Grief looks different for all of us."
