Just Another Conundrum

Some have wanted much bigger breasts.  
Some would prefer it all petite.

Some have wanted me to be their mother. 
Some wished me nothing like her.

Some have wanted more passion. 
Some desired so much less.

Some have complained that I was too free.
Some grew frustrated that I couldn't relax. 

Some have wanted control and chains.
Some continuously pushed away.

Some have tried to change me.
Some thought I changed too much.

Some have felt intelligence was a flaw.
Some were embarrassed by the lack.

Some have demanded quiet and meek.
Some desired more social grace.

Some have asserted that fighting was needed.
Some felt conflict was better avoided.

Some have been stuck in the past.
Some were terrified of the present.

Some couldn't stop being womanizers.
Some saw me as a safe cover.

Some thought of me as their financial gain.
Some saw a break for escaping their own debt.

They have all wanted something that I am not.
They have all called it love.

They have all expected me to accept them.
None could love me for who and what I am.

None really understood love.
None thought about it until I was gone.

On Recent Quotes

I apologize that there have been a lot of quotes and few written blogs, as of late.  Had a lot on my mind and while I am still writing quite a bit--most has to remain in draft form, for now.  I am sure at some point I will post them for the world, but not yet...

"Controllers, abusers and manipulative people don't question themselves.  They don't ask themselves if the problem is them.  They always say the problem is someone else." ~Darlene Ouimet~

Thought for the Day

The Process of Healing

I thought that I would do something nice for myself, this week, and got a full-body massage.  I still suffer from a lot of physical pain--residue from past abuses--from both the police and in general.  The pain causes me significant difficulties in life and one of my most problematic areas is driving.  One doesn't realize the range of body motion required for driving until one is not capable of performing said motions.  While the massage was mostly pleasant, at the time (only three or four major winces), by that evening, I felt as though I had been in an automobile accident--by the following day, I could barely walk and was contemplating an emergency room visit.  Four days later, and I am still unable to function in a "normal" manner.

 

I am currently down to working fourteen hours per week.  Since the 2010 incident, I still haven't returned to full-time hours.  Of course, my full-time was always closer to fifty to sixty hours per week, especially with the position that I had prior to the PFA, prior to the police incident, prior to my life changing.  At that time, I was also salaried, so the work week only ended when I caught up and that never seemed to happen.  Today, I am overwhelmed with fourteen work hours.  Part of this, as well, is due to not being sure how much longer I will be capable of driving.  My current schedule allows for me to have a day of recuperation after each day of driving.  Seems ridiculous?  I drove Tuesday when I knew that I shouldn't.  I drove today, when I knew that by doing so, I not only put myself in danger, but other drivers due to my range of motion issues.

 

Daily diet, every four hours, 1800 mg of Ibuprofen, alternated with 660 mg of Naproxen Sodium.  I don't feel that either does much more than take a bit of the edge off.  This has been my recipe for almost four years now.  Monday night, I was barely able to undress myself; I cried as my fiancé took my socks off of my feet because bending over to do it myself wasn't an option.  I have been fiercely independent my entire life.  Facing a broken body and helplessness is almost beyond what I am capable of dealing with.  Fiercely independent women deserve to be broken, though, right?

 

The six-year relationship of pummeling--I only ever fought back once.  That led to a beating that included a concussion and the possibility of being blind in my left eye.  Thankfully, when the swelling went down and my eye opened back up, I still had my sight.  Generally, all that was ever required to achieve my bruises was being present.  He would come home from a night of drinking and drug use--there I was, his ready-made punching bag.  He would wake up the next day, as confused and mortified as I was.

 

My two-years of severe emotional abuse--again, I would sit, cry and take it.  He complained on a daily basis that I didn't know how to fight and that was "our problem."  I just learned early in life that words in return, up the ante, and eventually lead to beatings.  I am not stupid.  I have never spoken a word regarding many of the things that happened during that relationship because it is still too embarrassing, still too humiliating.  I may be fiercely independent, but I know beaten-down; I know broken; I know scarred.  Four years later, including a year and a half of intensive domestic violence counseling and I still don't know that many of the incidents will ever be shared beyond the "instant replay" that I often see in my mind.  It is still that horrible to me.  I still have nightmares that wake me up from a dead sleep on a regular basis.  Sharing much of what happened, still isn't a possibility.

 

Fierce independence.  It is why my father has always had issues with me.  It is why he felt justified in turning two polices officers on me--pumped up on my father's tales that I was homicidal, suicidal, had aggressive pets and had not only written a letter stating that I was going kill my entire family but had also recently caused physical harm to others.  It is why he has always felt a need to knock me down.  Punishment.  Control.  These have always been the basis for any good relationship.  Women like me just need to be put back in their place, that is all.  When belittling and humiliation no longer work, brute force is an excellent choice.  When you can't do it because you might lose your job, send someone else to do it, always an excellent choice.

 

And today, I feel as though they have won.  How can I be independent?  I don't know how much longer I will be able to drive.  I am already very limited.  Being unable to drive affects my ability to work and support myself.  Being unable to support myself means eventual dependence.  Dependence on what???  I can't rely on my family.  I won't rely on the "system."  What happens when they finally physically break us?  Is my spirit only a matter of time?  I have fought so hard to reassemble the bit of positive self-regard that I still possess.  What now???

Saccharine Smiles and Dagger Bouquets

I'm not sure that I will ever understand some women.  I don't understand the need for catty comments, false smiles and sweet words that have the underlying taste of acid.  The pretenses; the thin veil hiding saccharine-flavored nastiness; comments shaped as daggers but hidden in flowers and hearts.  What possesses women to treat each other like that?  What creates that desire to strike other women down?  Is the sisterhood concept so difficult to grasp?  

 

Competitive?  Want to run a race?  Run fast and run hard.  But don't be surprised when stopping to check and see how far ahead you are, to discover that I simply turned and walked the other way from the start.  Don't misunderstand, I am quiet. I am passive. I may ignore slights and negative comments; but that does not mean that I am weak.   Have you earned the upper hand? Are you better than me just because I don't bite back?  I am not going to break just because you want me to.  I am simply not interested in such games.  I do not have the time, the energy or the desire.  If you insist on playing, don't be upset when I don't join in; it just isn't my cup of tea.  I never learned to play like that and it is a game that I don't even care to watch from the sidelines.

 

I prefer to live and let live.  If you don't like someone, don't be around them.  Don't agree with someone's opinion?  Agree to disagree and recognize that neither of you are necessarily right... or necessarily wrong.  If you are jealous of someone, find out what it is that triggers your feelings and work on those issues within yourself.  If someone else has the relationship that you want, don't attempt to swoop in and take it for your own--look at what it is within that relationship that you crave and add it to the list of what you are seeking in your own partner.  If your significant other does fall for their ruse and is led astray, let them wander away.  The best answer is that they deserved each other from the start and you are better off without either of them.  Is it that simple?  Yes, it really is.

 

This is why 90% of my friends are male and always have been.  If I have to worry about being stabbed in the back; if the intent is to belittle and cut; if being mean-spirited is sport, I will put distance between myself and the other individual without thinking twice.  If someone is intentionally cruel to others, even if it isn't me, chances are, that distance will still be earned.  There are some breaks in trust and faith that prevent future bonds from forming.  I am a firm believer in "do unto others, as you would have them do unto you."  I may not do equal harm in return, but I will no longer go out of way for that individual, either.   

 

This is also why the females that I have embraced and welcomed into my life are some of the most amazing people imaginable.  Mostly tomboys, bruisers, strong women; the girls that have never been interested in the games.  Females that don't rip apart their friends but put them back together when the world has been rough--females that see the good in life and help others find it, as well.  Creative souls, open souls, free-thinkers, and those that bypass labels.  There are even a few princesses and queens in my circle, but they are true and I trust them with my heart.  I am content with my circle; I have wonderful people.  My circle is small and close-knit for good reason.  And I have always been content on my own; perhaps this is why I have never felt the need to conform or be liked.  This is why I can walk away and not need such "friendships."  Friendship shouldn't be painful, anymore than love is meant to hurt...