April 10, 2010--my father came to my house with threats and physical aggression. To give you an idea, my last dog loved absolutely everyone--she was, by far, the friendliest dog that I have ever had. I only saw her get upset one time in all of my years with her (growling, teeth bared, fur raised, standing squarely in front of me in a protective stance). This occurred when my father arrived at my house unexpectedly, believing that I wasn't home and thinking that he could snoop around (it was also the only time he had ever "visited" me in the years that I had her--and it wasn't a friendly visit, not by a long shot). I eventually had to go outside to talk to him because I was worried he may shoot her (yes, he carries a gun and had it showing in plain sight). If my dog feels I need protected from someone, they probably aren't a person I should have in my life. And he wasn't, but as my father I continually forgave and let him back into my life, only to be hurt time and time again. Honestly, I should have listened to my dog--as soon as we were outside and away from her, his actions turned from verbal threats of harm to physical force.
April 22, 2010--my father made his threats reality and attempted to have me committed to a hospital. This involved submitting a false report that resulted in police officers, handcuffs, and one of the hardest days of my life. The years that followed this were much worse. The events of these two days were the catalyst to me removing my father from my life and avoiding events that he is at (family gatherings, holidays, family reunions, etc). He has officially been removed from my life for almost ten years now. The unexpected side effect? I am doing better mentally and emotionally. I had no idea through the years how much of my own self-worth was colored by his negativity toward me or how much of my lifelong depression was connected to our interactions. While his removal has been painful in many ways, the overall result has been a happier, healthier me.
Friends and family alike continue to tell me that my father loves me and that I need to "get over" all that he has done to me. I am fairly certain that if he were a random person in my life, people would have encouraged me to get a PFA or a restraining order. Not only does he tell all of them very different versions, he tries to tell ME that none of the events ever happened--including a great number of things that he did in front of others people--people that 100% remind me, yes--he did do those things. It's funny how people so often expect us to accept treatment they would never condone from others in their own lives. Had these actions been directed at them I have no doubt they would have reacted with lawsuits, physical retaliation, and strong actions themselves. All I ask for is acceptance that I do not wish my father in my life.
It somewhat reminds me of an ex-boyfriend I had decades ago that did some pretty awful stuff to me (and to other girls)--he later bragged that I was who I am today because he helped make me successful. My boyfriend at the time knew what he did to all of us and put the boots to him. I didn't want them to fight, that happened after I left in tears and appalled that he bragged about some imaginary good part he thought he had in my life, but I can't deny looking back that he deserved those boots and probably some significant jail time. The connection here? Hurting someone deeply, beyond repair, and still believing that you are a hero to that person and they should be grateful. The belief that the person should sing glory to you when in reality, they are a sum of broken pieces because of your actions against them. I suppose perhaps this is how some folks manage to live with themselves and are still able to sleep at night.
At my brother's wedding in January 2014, I was approached with the opener of: "I know you hate your father, but..." and I had to explain that I don't hate my father. I don't think that my father or anyone else understands that me excluding him from my life and avoiding family functions is not some vengeful act. My actions, over the past years, are not about hurting anyone, or trying to make him feel sorry or guilty--it never has been. It is simply because even though it hurts me to exclude my family from my life, it hurts me even more when I let them in. This is and has always been self-preservation. But I guess when he has always seen me as a monster, misunderstood me and viewed me as a horrible person--it only stands to reason that he wouldn't understand my absence any better than he understands my existence. Nor has he ever taken the time to get to know me--that is his doing, his choice. All I have ever wanted was for him to see me for who I am--it hurt when he couldn't.
A few Christmases back (2015? 2016? I am not sure), I attempted to attend a family function and had my dad corner me, hug me, and tell me that he loved me. I suppose the normal person would see this as sweet and his attempt at healing things. I distinctly heard my one aunts say "aw..."--everyone reacting as if this were a beautiful Hallmark moment of healing. However, for me it was a horrible moment of feeling trapped and retraumatized. Please don't forget, that prior to this, the last time my dad acted like he was going to give me a hug, it went from a hug to him grabbing me firmly by the shoulders and shaking me back and forth like a ragdoll (I weighed 115 to his 300+ lbs), yelling at me. I was forced to use blocking self-defense moves to protect myself and had to ask him to leave my property. THAT was the last time I willing allowed him to touch me and it may very well be the last. You don't force yourself physically on people that you have been abusive to. That isn't okay. And due to his actions and words when we are alone and do not have an audience, I cannot be convinced that his hug was anything other than a show he was putting on for others. Either way, it wasn't okay. It was still physical force against my wishes and against what is healthy for me--it was still ignoring my boundaries, my comfort, and him asserting his will upon me forcibly. Some may insist it was just a hug and his attempt to fix things--however, I have 46 years of experience suggesting differently.
January 2017, I decided to wish him a happy birthday through Facebook, because apparently I am always the fool extending an olive branch. That was when I discovered that he has me blocked on Facebook. It was a firm reminder that no matter what he tells others, his actions are still 1000x louder. Facebook blocking is for those that you want absolutely nothing to do with in any fashion. So for all of his talk and show (he loves me, but I refuse to have a relationship with him--he keeps trying, but I'm the problem, etc), he and I both know it is exactly that--talk. You do not block people on Facebook that you want in your life and are trying to rebuild a relationship with. These are the things that I get to see that others do not.
July 2019, he sent me yet another horrible birthday card. Perhaps someday I will learn to just throw them away, but that tiny piece of hope still lingers that they will contain the kindness, love and words that I always wanted when he was in my life. While they no longer say weird things about me needing to accept his wife and his marriage, they are still ugly and still get straight to the point that he just doesn't get it. These are things that tell me I am better off keeping the distance between us. These are the things that remind me that if I let him back in, more pain will follow.
All of my life it has been this way--he plays Mr. Wonderful Dad for the world, yet is a completely different person one-on-one. Loving words and a show for others--while private interactions are often cruel, hurtful, and meant to bait me into conflict. I don't know if I am bitter or if I just can't get over my "animosity", which he claims is my issue--but at this point, an apology will no longer fix it. There was a time when all I wanted was for him to acknowledge what really occurred during that time in 2010, that if he could have even potentially entertained the idea that he was wrong about me and those events (and ideally, sincerely apologized for not helping me, but instead making the PFA situation 1000x worse), I would have let him back into my life. It has been almost a decade since these events. No apology ever occurred, no entertaining on his part that perhaps he was wrong, just more gaslighting, with nasty interactions done in private. I have now had almost ten years to see how my life is without him and to discover that it is a better place here. Inner peace needs to be a part of my life--I cannot have my father in my life, too. I cannot have both. I tried that for 36 years and it didn't go well. I have had almost a decade to examine the events of 2010 and the 36 years of having my father in my life. I am able to look back and see everything in a very different, clearer light. A light now removed from feeling, emotion, and attachment.
He claims that I am bitter, vindictive, hateful. I can see where that is what is easiest for him. Perhaps I can justify that removing myself is just to protect my father from such a vile person as myself--if he believes all of those things and is not willing to get to know the real me--there is no point. This is exactly what I explained to him in 2010 and I can see the message still hasn't translated properly for him. Nearly a decade later, I choose to continue walking as I have and healing. I choose the next 36 years father-free and being mentally healthy.
"If they made a monster out of you because you walked away from their drama, so be it. Let them deal with what they have created. Be at peace with yourself, and stay out of the conflict." ~Dodinsky~
