Thought of the Day

“Over time as most people fail the survivor's exacting test of trustworthiness, she tends to withdraw from relationships. The isolation of the survivor thus persists even after she is free.” 

~Judith Lewis Herman~

Quote from "Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror"

More Pieces of the Puzzle

A friend shared this one recently and while it is a quick read, it really hit home:

Why Narcissistic Parents Infantilize Their Adult Children

"Narcissistic parents do this because they see their child as an extension of themselves. If the child begins to realize this, the narcissistic parent will use guilt, control, fear and any other tactic they can think of to bring the child back into line. This is why many of them find the teenage years unbearable as their growing adolescent demands to be allowed more freedom and control over their own life--the very thing the narcissistic parent feels most threatened by."

Figured I would share it here, as well.  

An Open Letter to A Friend

This is a letter that I wrote to a friend struggling with a husband that is forcing her to give up her friends and hobbies "or else". Due to the nature of this page, I felt it was worth sharing here, also:
I may never understand the partner that attempts to control. I have had two partners that viewed me as a possession that was theirs to beat into shape. They were both insanely jealous, frequently accused me of cheating--while they were actually the ones incapable of being faithful. Keeping me isolated from my friends and family was used as a method of keeping me in line and ensuring that I didn't speak about how I was treated nor did anyone else have the opportunity to see my bruises or discover that I had become only a fragmented shell of the person that I once was. I do not know your husband or what his story is, but I do know the emotional toil such partners place upon those that love them and the exhaustion of attempting to live up to their expectations. I would not wish such upon anyone.
You are not a possession. You are not a dog that needs to be obedient. You are not his young child that he may determine who your friends are. I know you love him and that you are torn, scared, and confused right now and I will stand behind you either way--even if you are still with him fifty years from now and we can only communicate through random smoke signals sent every six months. He may not beat you. He may not cheat. He may even be the perfect partner in every way, except when it comes to your hobbies and friends. He may just be old school and still believes in the days of dragging his mate back to the cave by her hair because she stepped out to observe the newfangled demon of the ground--"fire" that everyone is raving about and he is only trying to keep her safe...
What I do know is that it starts with isolation from friends; it evolves into becoming suspicious of what you do while at work and eventually expecting you to quit that as well; after a while, you no longer need a vehicle--only they do; and eventually evolves to the full trap of never escaping them--never being able to leave--and being completely their possession--to cook their meals, clean their house, raise their offspring, warm their bed, and to show off as the trophy wife to their friends and family. And while they should now be content and happy that everything is controlled--it will still be hell. What about the mailman, the cable guy, the neighbor down the road? Do you have secret visitors while he is working? Jealousy and control never fade away. They just spiral to the next level and reach new forms of Hell--as your circle continues to shrink and fades from view--along with your sanity.
Again, I do not know your husband. I only know what I have lived--from my father, to my own partners, to the guy that killed my mom. Partners that want total control will find all sorts of ways to isolate you and keep you hidden from the world. I also know how it is to love that partner and to try to live the way they want you to. The choices are not easy, my friend. I know that. I know you love him. I know he is your best friend and you have a lot of fun together--as long as you do it all his way. I know you have a child together, that you love with all of your heart and that there is deep fear of how that could play out. I know financially he seems like the safe choice and you wonder how you would survive on your own. I do know. I may not know your husband, I may not have had a child with my captors, but I have an idea of where you are standing and how broken it makes you feel.
Whether you are there tomorrow or if he wins and we never are able to see each other again, just know that you are not as alone as you feel right now. Just know that no matter how broken you feel, your little girl needs you--I am not sure how much she needs him and what sort of examples for her future he is setting up for her--but she needs you more than anything else in her life. No matter where you land with this--even if it is in a Rapunzel tower with no hair, be strong for your daughter. YOU are her world. No matter how much she loves him--YOU are what matters most and YOU are the person she must never lose. Remember that always, please. YOU ARE HER WORLD.
No matter what happens, I am here for you. I love you. And I am here in a place he cannot reach, see, or challenge. I pray for your strength either way--you are at terrifying crossroads where neither choice feels good and nobody should ever have to stand where you are. Do what you need to do for YOU. Do what will make you the best you for your little girl. Take care of yourself, please. Take care of yourself for your daughter. I hope to see you tomorrow. But I also understand that you may need to do what you need to do to keep the peace. But please, no matter what--do not give up and please stay strong for her. I can't imagine her growing up in a world where she only has his world views of how women should be--she needs her strong mommy, too and whether you realize it or not; you are much stronger than you believe. You WILL make it through this. I love you!

Forced Interactions

How difficult it is to feel locked inside oneself.

How difficult it is when the ability to speak fades.

How difficult it is to hush this inner fear and terror.

How difficult it is to bridge these communication gaps.

How difficult it is while they wait for a simple response.

How difficult it is when nothing but gibberish comes forth.

How difficult it is while everyone else seems so normal.

How difficult it is to know that it should be so easy.

How difficult it is to slip further and further away.

How difficult it is when the invisibility fades.

How difficult it is to continue false smiles.