Just a Thought

He is now claiming that he WAS supporting me during the PFA hearing and that thanks to his actions during that time, I am still alive today. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE EFF HE HAS BEEN SMOKING, but wow! Arrogant and clueless--done, done, done. It was a page full of the most insane notions I have been privy to in a while. He denied everything that he did and turned it into how he is super awesome dad. And HAHAHAHA!!!! "I am willing to make amends but you would have to meet me half way with it and realize I am not and never have been your enemy." WHATEVER! A simple "I was wrong. I am sorry." would have worked. It has been two years and he has the audacity to make the claims he did? Nope. Screw that. Better off without him.

Yet Again

How disappointing to close the door and know that it was our own fault for reopening it.  How disappointing to have allowed ourselves to have hope for the best; when we knew in our heart that we were being foolish. Yet we insist on gambling again, with a piece of our self so broken and tattered that we know it is not capable of withstanding the strain. Yet, for some reason, we proceed. Knowing as we do it, that it is our own spirit that we crush; that it is not going to be capable of withstanding this additional blow. Still, we open the door to them, yet again...

Sometimes it is so heartbreaking to accept these things and to have the faith that it is because there is another path getting ready to unfold before us. It is so hard to remember that we are removing toxicity from our life so that light may shine through.  It is even more difficult when you feel alone in the heartbreak. It may be one of the most painful experiences possible to know that forgiving them is not an option. How painful to discover that while you ache to have some semblance of a relationship--the healthiest choice is to bar them forever and never look back...

And how many times have I tried? How many times until I can leave the door closed and not look back?

Still Shattered Shards

And sometimes we realize that we were right. That there can be no turning back, no welcoming them into our lives again, no returning to past days. Sometimes when a relationship is broken, it is for the best. We must not only leave the shattered pieces strewn about for fear of further damage, but close our eyes as we tiptoe through the remaining shards. Sometimes the heartbreak is so great that our only remaining choice is to become numb to further pain...

Does It Ever Stop?

I have been on Cloud Nine since the proposal on 5/23/12.  To find out that the one I love and wish to spend the rest of my life with feels the same is perhaps one of the most amazing of human experiences.  It has been a whirlwind of amazement and bliss to know that he wants me as a forever part of his life.

Tonight, though, a set back in my sanity and an increase in my post-traumatic stress issues...

I received an odd message from one of my PFA-ex's neighbors.  She mentioned being fearful due to threats he had made against her and sought me out wanting to know if I thought there was due concern.  She went into some detail about what had happened (and is happening) plus enlightened me into other events.

She mentioned that she was trying to get some insight on him and how stable he is... that she recently had an incident with him that "was soooo out of left field, we didn't see it coming."  She stated that he got real defensive with her regarding some issues and threatened her via text stating "You don't want to make an enemy of me."  Odd, since he has always been good friends with this woman and her husband.  Apparently, after that, he called her cell and she didn't answer his call because "I'd had enough of his strange behavior" and he left a "rambling message" about how much he loved her and her husband.  Later that night, he also called her husband and told him that he did call the dog catcher (which he had earlier denied) on them and that he could call the state police on them, too.

I asked her if he was drinking a lot and her response was: "I'm thinking it's more than drinking."  This was followed by: "He's acting very strange and scary.  His behavior has been going from bad to worse and he's been exhibiting some mentally unstable behavior lately.  He seems to have strange sleeping habits and makes veiled threats.  I think he's a night-time stalking kind of person."  She explained that her husband thought of him as a friend and a neighbor until the recent events happened and that "he was upset that a friend would do what he did and it was such a strange thing; that it was hard to understand."

I mentioned that it might be to her benefit to start keeping track of text messages, threats, odd interactions--keeping a record of the date and time and such. I mentioned that I wouldn't be surprised if she discovered that she needed it at some point. She followed with: "Oh, I plan to keep records. I still have the voice message he left me; he sounds like a crazy person. I'm pretty sure I won't have any trouble with him because I made it very clear to him that I don't play games and I don't put up with shit either. But he knows our schedule. Our house was broken into one time and the police said it was someone who knew us very well. They always thought it was someone from the neighborhood. Now I wonder if he had anything to do with it. Truthfully, I'm afraid of him poisoning my dogs or messing with my cars or something.  He made a point of driving by the other day, waving like a maniac--strange man."

She added that: "He gets wasted and at 2 or 3 in the morning, he gets his guns out and starts shooting.  That's very unstable.  When I first moved here, he said that the woman that lived here before had a bunch of cats and that he shot them.  I think he abuses this dog he has now; it's always afraid.  Someone like him should not have animals." 

She also mentioned that recently he was arrested for assault on a new girl he was dating.  She said that "he beat the hell out of this girl from Kersey who had him arrested.  She got a PFA, then she ended up going back with him and then he beat her up again.  I'm not really sure about that other PFA. I think she voided it because she wouldn't stay away from him, so they didn't take it very seriously.  But he did get arrested for assault and that hasn't come to court yet.  Some of the guys from Kersey were gunning for him."

She added that his brother also just got a PFA against him by his wife and that it "must run in the family."  She explained, "His wife got a PFA for her and the kids against him. Since then, she's moved and his brother is back in their house.  Both those boys have a temper--his brother seems more mainstream, maybe because of his job."

Great. Sounds like nothing has changed in his life.  Same lovely gentleman that I knew.  I guess none of it comes as a surprise.  Over the course of our relationship, he admitted to hitting past girlfriends, harassing past girlfriends and other unsavory acts against women.  It is too bad that some of the past sexual charges were in his youth and are now sealed records. It just seems to me by now, with DUIs, PFAs, assaults and such, that something could be done about him.  But I guess it isn't much different than the man that eventually took my mom's life--there were records a plenty--but until you actually murder someone, you are free to do as you please.

And why am I concerned? Obviously, I do have fear for his neighbor.  She is correct in her assessment that he is not stable.  I also feel bad for the women that have fallen in to his trap since me. Perhaps the details of my PFA against him should be enforced in a similar manner as they do for child offenders and sexual predators?  But I know him, I know his sob story and he could still sweet talk nearly any woman into just believing that I was an evil ex that broke his heart and then tried to make his life hell for my own personal amusement.  I know him. I know the lies and games.

One of the main reasons that I secured the PFA was not only due to the trauma he was creating for me, but also due to a burning concern... As crazy as he was being with the break-up, what on Earth would happen when I began dating again?  The PFA was put in place as much for my protection as for the men that would later enter my life. I knew that would NOT go over well.  I really thought that the PFA would make him move on. That's all I wanted. For him to go his way--never cross my path--and allow me my freedom. I wanted him to find his own happiness--far, far, far away from me and leave me alone.  And now over two years later, I am also thrown this bit of his neighbor's message:

"Well be forewarned that he's still obsessed with you.  He talks about you all the time.  'You were and are his one true love.'  Was he also stalking you? I got the impression that he was keeping a very close eye on you after you broke ties with him.  I think now I understand why that woman that had his kid fled the state with the child and why his daughter rarely visits.  Well, I look for you to have some problems with him when your PFA runs out, if he doesn't get over his fixation with you.  I'm not sure why he talks so much about you.  My opinion was that he thought that you thought you were too good for him. Or he felt he wasn't good enough for you.  Well, just be careful when your PFA is over. If I hear or see anything I think you should know, I'll let you know. In the meantime, he's not welcome here anymore. I told my husband that if he wants to patch things up with him and he wants to let him go to the camp, that's one thing but he's not welcome at my home or in my yard."

Super. Fucking super. And how shall it be if he hears that I am engaged?  Clearly, the deep end is already where he is hanging--that he is turning on his friends and neighbors--beating up women on a semi-regular basis?  He already has DUIs, a three-year PFA against him, a potential assault case in the works and he is steadily drinking and most likely back into the other substances.  When some people hit rock bottom, they decide to take others out with them.  Maybe I am worried about nothing. Maybe it is just my post-traumatic stress issues.  Maybe it is the fact that I have "run into him" three times recently--twice in the past few weeks.  Each time, I was there first--by law, he must leave.  Because he did not cause me problems, I haven't made an issue of it.  I don't like being the bad guy.

She asked me: "So do you think he is dangerous or just a bully?"

I wouldn't have a 3 year PFA if there wasn't an issue.  I am not that kind of person. I lived with a guy for six years that beat the hell out of me on a regular basis and we are still friends. Her neighbor is the only one that I have ever had such serious issues with upon trying to leave. I didn't want to get a PFA--but I didn't have a choice.  But how much good is my current PFA if he does go completely bonkers?  I am fighting the urge to just pack up and flee.  But I don't want to let him control my life like that anymore.  I have been struggling greatly with the PTS after the recent encounters (and now I also wonder how random they actually were)--this bit of news does not settle well, I must confess.

A Different Beginning

Tonight, he proposed.  I didn't see it coming and am still wandering through the surreal haze of wondering... Wondering so many things. I have had others propose and could never see a future that led to happiness.  Not to mention, the entire concept of marriage has always frightened me more than a little.  I am not sure that I believe in divorce--thereforth, I could not believe in marriage.

Tonight, I said yes and knew in my heart that it is what I want, too.  There was none of the stomach turmoil that has resulted with past proposals; none of the fear that it was a trap; none of the silent screaming that they knew I was ready to run and they were trying to regain control.

Tonight felt right.  The one I can't imagine living without. The one I can't imagine being gone from my life. The one that compliments who I am without trying to shape me into someone else, someone that I can never be. The one that I feel safe with. The one that listens.  The one that allows me to be me and even suggests that she may not be the terrible person everyone else has tried to convince her she was.

Do I think it will be all sunshine and roses? Do I think everything will be easy? I am, and always have been, a realist.  I would not have waited so long if I believed otherwise. Truly, what relationship isn't work? Be it with a friend, a co-worker, a lover--all relationships have their struggles.  I am not so naive to believe that marriage would make things easier. But it is nice to know that my level of commitment is returned.  It is nice to know that he sees in me, the same potential that I see within him.

Would I make a good wife? I don't know. I have never tried that role. I have played house a few times, but my other playmates were never very much fun. This one has been different.  I savor my freedom, my solitude. In the year that we have shared a home, I have discovered that I can be comfortable sharing my space with another human. I truly cannot imagine a home without him in it. And I guess these are the reasons that I suspect it actually could work...