Today, officially marks three years since my Protection From Abuse (PFA) was granted. As of today, he is free to come near me; to communicate with me; to show up at my door without repercussions. I think that it has been long enough that he will continue to stay away. I don't hate him. I never did. I don't wish him ill. I never did. I tried to part as friends. None of this was my choice. Funny, could I go back and change things--I wouldn't erase him from my life. I would still have that two years as they were. I learned a lot about trust from the experience. I discovered many individuals in my life that were never the friends that I thought them to be, but discovered many false individuals that were taking advantage of my generosity and love. I am better off having them gone.
I really can only think of one time in my life that I wish I could go back and do things differently. Surprisingly, it isn't the things that you may think...
Maybe I would go back and warn my mom that Rickey was going to kill her and she would still be here? Not a possibility. I did try. I went to California. I gave her ample opportunity to come home, escape, start over. Her response? "I don't want your dad and his family to think I was a failure. I don't want them to think that I can't make a marriage work." Our last conversation took place in the park--it was just the two of us. I asked her what she wanted done with her body after he killed her. She didn't argue the point. She simply stated that she wanted cremated and to have her ashes spread upon the ocean, as her mother before her. She knew. We both knew. So, I may check this off the list.
Maybe I would have escaped the six year relationship full of abuse? I did meet many awesome guys during that time that had I been single, I would have pursued. Maybe I would have ended up with one of them. Maybe I would be married, have had children and maybe even be a grandmother now. Who knows? But no, there are many good memories from that time in my life, as well. Plus, I gained many wonderful people in his family that I still love. I wouldn't change that.
The two year relationship--later to be my PFA man? No, I wouldn't change that. I would not appreciate my current relationship, to the extent that I do, without having gone through that Hell. And what I have now is pretty darned good. To take it for granted would not be fair to either of us. The hard times (which generally are not his doing, but are outside forces--his mother, his ex, the children, etc) make me want to run sometimes; but I am able to see how amazing he is despite the baggage. Had I not had my two years of misery, I don't know that I would be willing to keep trying when I get frustrated. Running has always been the easiest answer for me.
On our way back from dropping off the kids, he mentioned wishing life had a reset button. That has been a topic with many of my friends over the past week and honestly, it has been on my mind more than it should be. "If only I knew then, what I know now." As humans, we are great at looking back and thinking, "if only I had done this differently." I have always said that I wouldn't change anything--those experiences made me who I am today. True, true. But what if?
Were I permitted one time in my life that I could go back and change paths...
I have to confess that I am angry with my soft-side. I am angry that even after those events that happened three years ago, today--I was still soft. I was still worried about my actions hurting others. Namely, my father. I worried what a lawsuit would do to his career. His career is truly all he has ever had. Sure he's remarried, but well, she has shown her true colors more than once. And I am quite certain she dances with glee knowing that he has pushed his children out of his life and he has successfully alienated himself from his family. Well, good for her. At one time, I loved her very much as a friend; many times, truth be told. However, she was another one of those false people that I wasted time, love and energy upon.
If I could go back, a lawsuit would have occurred. I would have filed a civil lawsuit against the Meadows and both of the women involved for gross negligence. I would have sued the two police officers that refused to show me identification when requested; that refused to tell me why they were handcuffing me and taking me off of my property; that decided two men using brute force against a 115 pound woman was acceptable. I would have sued my father for lying on a 302 form, for defamation, for libel, and for harassment. I would have sued the therapist we (PFA guy and myself) were working with for sending me back into a dangerous situation, when I begged him to help me. The hospital. My family doctor. The list goes on and on. So many people were negligent on April 22, 2010.
The system failed and I allowed it. By not pushing forward with a lawsuit, I allow these mistakes to occur again--maybe not to me, but they can still happen to others. My concern for a man never invested in my well-being was my downfall. Could I go back two years ago and file that lawsuit, I most certainly would. Statutes of limitations ran out at the two year mark. Unfortunately, the many things that occurred that day knocked me down to a point in which I am still struggling to find my feet. I am not sure how they can expect someone that experienced what I did to have the strength to move forward within that two year mark. Three years later and my scars have not yet completely closed. I don't think that they will ever truly heal over. I suppose when I examine it in that light, a reset button wouldn't help me anyhow. Going back two or even one year still places me in the danger range--danger of being destroyed emotionally by the events. I would run that risk even now...
