On Stopping Leaks

One of my coworkers has a wonderful expression that she uses when parents become unruly, disruptive, or unintentionally increase the issues in their child's therapy session when their own issues are becoming the unintended focus: "You're leaking".  What she means by this is that the parent's anger, frustrations, or own demons are coming out while their child's session is losing focus.  For example, suppose a child is struggling with not doing their homework and this is now leading to low grades... "If your father would just step up to the plate and quit expecting me to manage everything"...  This would be a topic better addressed in the mother's own therapy or marriage counseling; it is not helpful during the child's session, and it places the child in the middle of the parents' issues--where they do not belong.  Suppose a child is getting bullied at school and no longer wishes to attend school, leading to fights each morning: "This would have never happened if your mother hadn't fled and left me to raise you on your own"...  Again, this only serves to make the child feel bad, it does not address the current issues; in short, the parent's struggles are leaking into other areas that they do not belong.  

We are all guilty of "leaking" from time to time.  Maybe not in therapy sessions, maybe not with our children, but from time to time we all struggle with our own issues "exploding" and "leaking" all over the place.  Maybe it is job stress that we bring home.  Maybe we are struggling with an anniversary that hurts us and we find ourselves irritable and lashing out at others without even realizing it.  These can all be forms of leaking.  Sometimes being aware that we are leaking can help lead to resolution.  

Personally, January is one of my challenging months and quite honestly, I have been leaking like a sieve.  I feel as though I may break, Hulk Out, or just collapse at any moment and this has been going on for weeks.  There are several big underlying factors that are coloring absolutely everything in my life and to suggest otherwise would be an absolute lie:

#1: My best friend is fighting cancer and I am 2500+ miles away.  I can't even put this into words.  I can't talk about it.  I can't even write about it yet.  All I do is cry.  And cry.  And cry.  I just want to be there with her.  I want to be in the waiting room.  I want to drive her to and from her appointments.  I want to be able to get lunch, coffee, go for a walk together.  I just want more than anything to be there.  And I can't.  

#2: The anniversary of my mother's murder.  While it sucks each year, this year was the 25th anniversary.  I had been up all night sick the night before, had an early morning work meeting (after one hour of sleep--which never helps matters), and that meeting went bad.  Bad as in I almost quit on the spot.  Add in, as I am trying to calmly sit and remind myself that I need my job and trying to regain my composure, a coworker is talking about how awful her mother is and well... I started leaking.  I had several meltdowns regarding the changes in rules and policies, I couldn't fix my paperwork because I was fighting back tears, and I was on the verge of absolute meltdown.  I won't go into too much more here, since I wrote about a bit of it in my  The 25th Anniversary blog post, but it was a rough one.  

#3: My dad's birthday and the shit it dredges up.  His birthday (and Father's Day) bring up awful in me--sadness, anger, just a whole lot of emotional vomit.  Last year, I got the bright idea that I would at least wish him a happy birthday through Facebook, because apparently I am always the damn fool extending an olive branch that he is just going to strip, beat me with, and then grind into sawdust.  But no worries, you can't send folks messages if they have you blocked.  So yes, this year, while I had no desire to wish him a happy anything, it was a firm reminder that no matter what words he puts out there, his actions are still 1000x louder and that isn't likely to change in this lifetime.  

The people that you block on Facebook are the ones that you wish you could make vanish as easily from real life, as well.  Facebook blocking is for those that you want absolutely nothing to do with in any fashion.  So for all of the fancy talk he does with the rest of the family (he loves me, but I refuse to have a relationship with him--he keeps trying, but I'm the problem, etc), he and I both know it is just lip service.  I am sure if asked, he would probably say that he doesn't even know how to block people on Facebook--I could almost believe this as well, if we were not sitting where we are.

Correct me if I am wrong, but do you block people on Facebook that you want in your life and are trying to build a relationship with?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  To me it just feels like more of the crazy-making in the works, "Oh poor, poor me.  I love my daughter so much and I try and try, but she's crazy, you know..."  And yes, these things do drive me batty.  All of my life it has been this way--he plays Mr. Wonderful Dad for the world, yet is a completely different person one-on-one.  I get tired of playing a part in it.  I get tired of the fact that it all still hurts.  I want to let it all go, but can't.

#4: My physical health.  It is scaring me.  But I have no insurance, no doctor, a serious lack of funds, and no idea where I would even start anyhow.  So we kick back, try to deal with it and hope it eventually all gets better on its own.  In the meantime, I think more and more about my ducks and how to get them all in a row, just in case...

#5: Life's other little straws.  Work (not enough billable hours, yet so many unpaid hours; families not understanding that we aren't given a magic wand to fix their children; demands that I struggle with understanding; feeling unheard, powerless, a meaningless cog only useful in bringing about financial gains for those above me; etc).  I miss my nephews like crazy but am, again, powerless.  A close friend had another stroke the Monday before Christmas and I am worried sick.  Recent trust violations, being taken advantage of, and feeling powerless to speak up for myself due to the nature of the situation (this has led to anger and some self-defeating thoughts due to my own lack of assertiveness).  Financial challenges.  Ah, all of those irritability increasing icing on the cake factors.  

We all have a list; throw any of these things into a negative situation and sometimes the result is low-tolerance and leakage.  Just sharing because the good news is, if we know what our leakage is and where it is coming from, like anything else in life, it is easier to fix.  I have been looking at and examining this leakage for weeks.  Now I just need to figure out how to fix it.  I think first on my agenda is a plane ticket, a few weeks with my best friend, and healing together as much as we can... I need her just as much as she needs me, right now.  

Is Estrangement More Common Than Once Thought?

"Estrangement is widely misunderstood, but as more and more people share their experiences publicly, some misconceptions are being overturned.  Assuming that every relationship between a parent and child will last a lifetime is as simplistic as assuming every couple will never split up.  It’s usually a long, drawn-out process rather than a single blowout.  A parent and child’s relationship erodes over time, not overnight."

Another one worth reading: Debunking Myths About Estrangement 

The 25th Anniversary

Our culture has made grief and death a concept in which we are also expected to bury our feelings, along with our loved one--mostly so that we do not make others uncomfortable. However, I have been doing counseling long enough now that I have watched buried grief and loss fester into horrible problems. It is heartbreaking to see people that have tried to carry such weight alone for so many years and the other places that those feelings decide to emerge--anger, depression, self-loathing, etc. We would be healthier as a whole, if we could just express grief as it emerges instead of trying to hide it or pretend it doesn't exist.

We aren't broken, we don't need fixed--we are grieving. Many people don't understand until it happens to them. You never "get over it"--some days are just easier than others. Some days it hits so hard that you can't breathe. The healthiest thing we can do is acknowledge our grief, embrace it, and accept that it is a part of us--just as our loved ones once were.  I am not alone in these thoughts.  While this quote is regarding a different type of loss/grief--it still applies: "Everyone who goes through loss must deal with grief. If you don’t face your feelings, they’ll continue to sit inside and stir up negative emotions until they’re finally free. Instead of suppressing your anger and depression, acknowledge that they’re there and treat them with the respect they deserve. Then give yourself permission to fully feel them and let them run their course. The sooner you start the grieving process, the sooner you’ll find acceptance." (quote from Stroke Recovery Tips)

January 10, 2018 marked 25 years since my mother was murdered. My day was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I really thought that I would be fine... Not so much.  I think part of what made it so challenging was a coworker sharing her struggles with her own mom and I get it, other people still have moms and their moms drive them crazy. It was still just so hard listening to her go on and on about her issues with her mother, when I would trade everything in my life for one more minute with my own mom.  I realize that she was just frustrated and needed to vent, and most times I can handle that--however, Wednesday was not that day. It may have been, if all of the other awful in my day had not also happened--but paired with the other events of my day, I was already at an emotional breaking point and I just couldn't take it.

It crushed me to the point that I left the room several times in tears and had to go drive around for a while after I left before I was pulled together enough to return to work. I really didn't expect any of it to hit like it did. That may be the worst part about grief--you can have a handle on it 99% of the time, but that 1% of the time can be a huge sucker punch and you never know what will trigger it or when it is going to hit.  Seems to me, some days you can simply function a bit longer or better than others. And then there are the days that it hurts as much as it did when it first happened.  Those moments leave an imprint--every detail of those moments are etched in a place in your heart that always remembers. I think that is why triggers are so fierce and overwhelming at times--the brain captures those details and you can be mindlessly going through a normal day when one little thing can trigger the memories--a scent, a song, a simple word.

While the hardest anniversaries for me were the first, the tenth, and what would have been her sixtieth birthday--the 25th anniversary of her death did definitely catch me at times and made me fall.   I can’t deny that it is hard for me to admit my grief even now; after all, when my dad tried to have me committed in 2010 after the bad breakup, including having to get a PFA (Protection From Abuse) against the partner, it was those events that led to this entire blog being created.  My dad also included that I "still cry over my dead mom" as part of those grounds for attempting to have me put away. Yes, I shed tears then--it would have been her sixtieth birthday and even though she died at 42, it hit me hard.  He never was comfortable with our grief, even when the murder first happened.  I still struggle with shame regarding my grief, even now, which really is ridiculous.  She was my best friend, my soulmate, my mother, my guidance, my source of unconditional love, and my only support.  I have spent these past 25 years with a hole in my heart and soul that people don't realize and that I simply cannot fill.  My grief is real.  It is sad that some feel that shame should be added to that pain…

*Previous Post Disclaimer*

I realize that my previous post sounds snarky, mean, self-centered and that many would say that I should just continue to do these things out of love and because they are the right thing to do.  My stance, if this entire blog is taken into consideration and my entire life is looked at as a whole, is that when relationships bring us pain, when relationships are imbalanced (one person solely gives while the other person solely takes), if a relationship is toxic--walk away.

No, I am not saying any of these things regarding my relationship with my brother and his family.  I recognize that he has his own life and that life gets busy.  I have friends that I do not talk to for years and we are still close.  When we finally touch base and are able to connect, it is as though no time has elapsed in between.  This is typically the relationship that I have with both of my brothers.  The middle brother?  We may talk once every five years to ten years--but it is great when we do and then I go through a period of missing him and wishing he lived closer until we return to "our norm".

Partially, my issue is that I get frustrated when people have expectations and gratitude is lost.  The days of saying "please" and "thank you" seem to be in the past.  Expecting others to do for you, while not appreciating it seems to be a waste of time.  I have noticed that with wedding gifts, graduation gifts, and elsewhere, as well--there are no longer thank yous or even acknowledgement that a gift was received.  To me, that just seems odd and perhaps a bit rude.  I realize that I am living by old standards, too, though.  I guess my thought is that if someone took the time to think of me, even a verbal thank you and letting them know that I appreciated it is a simple gesture.  My brother is not the only one that I have ceased purchasing gifts for due to this--I struggle greatly when I feel gratitude does not exist.  However, I may feel the most guilt when it comes to my nieces and nephews.

Expectations.  Another place I struggle greatly.  When generosity is taken advantage of and the other person comes to expect regular material gains and the giver is simply viewed as an opportunity--I struggle.  I see this often in life, people become accustomed to receiving and eventually the requests become bigger and bigger, while the gratitude is lost.  It becomes an expectation that the other person must give them something or there is resentment.  I think this is a struggle most of us have in some fashion or another.  We all have expectations in life and sometimes those expectations can lead to disappointment.  For example, my expectation in this situation is that my loved ones will be excited to have a relationship with me, too--that they will be pleased to get surprises in the mail and that they will call or send a text--opening the lines for communication.  From my end, it feels as though they expect that I will give them things because of who they are and that is where it ends.

I see this with my fiance's children a lot, too.  Expectations with nothing in return.  I don't know that they have ever called him on his birthday or Father's Day--yet he calls them regularly, plus all holidays--even Thanksgiving.  I get that--he is their father, it is his job to reach out.  Yet I see how hurt he is when they forget him on his special days.  Maybe that is silly, but we are human--we get hurt.  His children are nineteen, seventeen and fourteen--of course they all own phones, so I am not sure what the reasons are.  During the six years that I have been with him, they have never given him a Christmas gift or birthday gift.  I find that weird, too--they work, it just isn't something that ever crosses their mind.  And I see it with him, too--he does not buy gifts for his own father or grandmother--yet they give him gifts.  To me, that is all just strange.  Obviously those are their dynamics, I should not view them through my lenses--yet I do.  

Returning phone calls and text messages has also become optional in life.  I see this with coworkers, clients, and in other areas of my life, as well.  This is another area of my life where I find myself greatly frustrated on a regular basis.  Message after message is left, yet the other person never acknowledges this.  Perhaps my frustration is partially due to loathing phone calls, myself--I do not enjoy talking on the phone and when I know it will be an hour to two hour long phone call, I have to mentally prepare myself and sometimes it is a struggle.  It isn't because I do not care or do not wish to speak to that person--I would happily meet for lunch or in person--I just really dislike talking on the phone.  Yet I try.  And sometimes things simply can not be done through text or it doesn't translate easily to text and a call becomes necessary.

One of my best friends calls me almost daily and due to regular schedule conflicts, we may only actually get to talk a few times per month--but I do still try.  She doesn't realize it and thinks I am horrible because I never answer my phone, but she is also one of the very few people that I speak to on the phone regularly.  I return the calls because I know it makes her happy and that she dislikes other forms of communicating, so I make the extra effort to call.  Do I call her as much as I should or as much as she would like?  No.  But I try very hard and make a conscious effort to keep in touch with her because she needs this as part of our relationship and I love her.

The reason for this post is not to say that I am right and that they are all wrong.  It is not to say that my ways are better.  It is not to say that these are how things should be because this is how I feel.  The reason for my previous post was simply a response to those that question why family may not be involved when they feel that they should be--from my perspective, any relationship that becomes one-sided, I am likely to step away from.  This is probably a serious character flaw on my part, I am willing to accept that.  I was not always like that and I used to give freely with little question.  However, my own resources have been depleted--both financially and emotionally.  I no longer have the financial resources that I once did--I now have to pick and choose where my resources go.  Emotionally, I have discovered over the past decade that when I constantly give and nothing is returned in any fashion--mentally, I do need to walk away.  Plain and simple.

As always, my writing is a way for me to sort through my own feelings and make sense of them.  Sometimes I am not capable of doing this until I let it spill out in the written word.  I hesitated before making my last post public because I am well aware of how it sounds.  However, I also roll with the knowledge that this post exists freely in cyber space where there is little chance of it ever being spotted and read.  This provides a freedom and safety with my posts that I would not be granted if I thought others would actually see it.  I suppose at some point these last two posts will just slip back into draft form and forever remain, until then, I am just trying to explain how it feels from the side of the family member that vanishes and doesn't engage in an expected manner.  Until then, I am writing as a method of processing my own feelings and making sense of it all.

My views tend to be old school and I know that many of the absent family members being spoken of harshly are as well.  It can be very challenging to be that person on the outside, expected to participate but never being given a second thought except for those times that you don't meet their own expectations.  It can be very challenging when you want those close, intimate, loving relationships but you are simply viewed as a resource (free child care, financial bearer, gift giver, etc).  Some people can give and give and give and not seem phased--I envy them.  Perhaps I will move onto the occasional card for my nieces and nephews and see what happens--if things remain as they are, I will have lost little.  Again, just sharing from the other side...

The Ties That Bind

"I finally have learned, after decades of frustration, to expect nothing for birthdays and Christmas.  No calls, no "how are my grandkids?" or goodness forbid they ask how I'm doing, no invites for trips or holidays anymore. They make no effort to be in our lives.  I think we've all mentally checked out..."

I often wonder if my youngest brother and his wife understand why I no longer go out of my way to be involved with them.  I often see mournful posts written by friends about the family members that miss out on watching their children being raised, that miss out on their children's lives, or that don't bother to call or send gifts for special occasions and I often wonder if I am tossed into that category of "family that will regret it".  Sometimes I wonder if I will regret these choices, but I am not sure that I have as much choice as I would sometimes like to believe.

I am sure that my brother's wife thought the arrival of my new niece in September 2016 would result in at least some acknowledgment.  I have not sent any cards, no gifts, no money.  Why? The last time I sent a gift to them, it was to my brother (and also smaller items for my two nephews) for my brother's birthday in April 2016.  The gift to my brother was a rather expensive, autographed book about the Beatles; shipping was timed precisely so that it would get there on his birthday.  I first asked if he received it in September of 2016, with no response.  It wasn't until his birthday a full year later, when I again asked his wife if he ever got it, that I was met with an answer--just a simple "yes, he did".  No clue as to if he liked it, appreciated it, or maybe he just thought it was a stupid gift.  Who knows?  

For their wedding in January 2014, prior to leaving their home, I arranged all of their wedding gifts on the shelves in their guest bedroom--again, nothing--no indication that they ever even opened them.  I arrived with Christmas gifts for them and for my nephews that year, in addition to the wedding gifts.  There were no thank yous, there were no gifts in return, just expectation.  We sat and watched everyone open their gifts and that was the extent of it.  No, gifts are not given with the expectation of something in return, please do not miss my point here, but when there is never any response--not even a thank you?  It does eventually seem pointless with time.

My calls go unanswered, unreturned.  My texts are ignored.  Even gifts are apparently just opened and tossed aside.  This occurs with my brother, his wife, and my nephews--there is no gratitude, no reciprocity, not even simple acknowledgement.  How long does one just blindly throw love and energy into a vortex before they walk away and decide that relationships are not meant to be one-sided?  Or if they are one-sided, perhaps the understanding finally becomes that it isn't worth it and that love and energy can be thrown elsewhere, somewhere that someone may appreciate it?  

Not sure that you understand what I mean?  Spend time picking out what you hope are the perfect gifts, take the time to package them with care--picture happiness and excitement expressed by your loved one; spend time choosing the words carefully for your messages, leave message after message--do these things regularly for years.  But, the added twist, send them nowhere.  Just to a vacant lot states away.  Does someone find them?  Do they just sit there and rot?  Who knows?  Nobody knows where they go.  Maybe the voicemails and text messages are going to an old number and the owner of the new phone number doesn't have the heart to tell you.  Maybe the family moved and the packages are sitting unclaimed in a dead letter office somewhere.  You don't know, because there has been no communication, no acknowledgement for years.  How long until you give up?

Maybe I am a horrible person for giving up as soon as I did.  I am sure that other family members continue to give without thought.  They live almost 1000 miles from us.  I realize that yes, this is an obstacle.  Maybe nothing I give is good enough--his last wife did explain to me once that they didn't like the gifts I chose because I didn't know my brother as well as I thought.  Now there is a motivator to keep mindlessly giving.  Also, let's not forget that I have another niece, that lives 2400 miles away, is a teenager now and that I have never met.  I spent years sending gifts there, too; also with no response.  Odds are I will never meet either of my nieces.  Odds are I will never see my nephews again.  These are not, nor have they ever been, my choices.  I hate it.  Yet my hands are tied.

I had a friend explain years ago that this brother is only in my life when he needs something, when it is convenient for him, when he needs me.  At the time, I listened, but with caution.  This same brother was my best friend for so many years.  This same brother was like a child to me as we grew up.  This same brother's children became my most precious family members, his wife at that time became my best friend, as well.  Not only have they all been removed from my life, but rather painfully so with rips, tears, and great wounds that are still gaping and at times, still weeping.

Yet I do often wonder what this wife thinks.  She has no idea on all of the backlog.  Yet she has been present for six years; one would think that she has to have some sort of clue.  Or maybe she doesn't, maybe she just lives under the assumption that her husband makes an effort and that he is the one that feels forgotten.  Maybe it goes along with his explanation of not ever feeling like he belonged here, that he never felt that he had family here, that she is his only family now.  While he, too, creates this reality of separation.  Maybe it all says just as much about my own separation from our mutual family.  I don't know; without communication, I can only access it from the angles of my own reality.  Just my thoughts on seeing yet another angry post about uninvolved family and my thoughts on how we end up here and how it sometimes feels from the other side.

Maybe I am just tired of being disappointed, too...