So, tonight, I received a private message from a friend's ex-husband that didn't like what I posted on her Facebook page. She had posted the following:
"I'm working on these three phases that were told to me on a daily basis:"
1. "It's all your fault."
2. "If you would only..."
3. "You have a demon in you... (meaning an actual demon from hell...)"
1. "It's all your fault."
2. "If you would only..."
3. "You have a demon in you... (meaning an actual demon from hell...)"
I responded to her post with my own list:
"Remember:
1. Manipulator. 2. Not a nice person. 3. Was out for what he could take
from you. 4. If you are the bad person, he still looks good. 5. He is
unstable. 6. Where did he get his exorcist license? 7. You are a good
person. 8. How did he do as husband, provider and partner? 9. Should I
keep going? 10. Because he's the crazy. Not you."
The private message I received from him appeared to be a lengthy breakdown contradicting each of the three phrases that she posted, why these things that she stated were true or untrue (the demonic possession seemed true to him, BTW) and followed with a question about each item that I posted in return, and also demanding that I explain myself. Admittedly, I didn't bother reading everything that he wrote. I started to, but it went against my "avoiding negative people" policy and I simply skimmed it, contemplated a response and instead chose to block him on Facebook. Maybe this was rude of me, I am not really sure. Clearly, he did put a lot of time and thought into his message to me. Perhaps I should have at least taken the time to see what he had to say? Maybe he touched a nerve of mine and that is why I felt the need to ignore the message and just block him?
First off, why would I care what his opinion of my friend is? Will his opinions change my mind about her? No. I know what he has put her through. There is nothing that can redeem him in my mind. Additionally, I am not willing to negotiate on how I feel about her or how I think of her, so why waste either of our time with responding? I do not desire the effort or time wasted on such endeavors. He ended with "Take Care." I contemplated a simple "You take care, too--I will be praying for you." But the minute that I choose to acknowledge his message with a response, I begin the process of opening doors, I invite him in--no matter how nice I play, no matter how little I say.
Does he feel that my responses to her post were inappropriate? Probably. Do I care? Not overly. Why should I care what his opinion is of me? A more pressing question, why on Earth does he care what I think of him? Why does he feel the need to explain himself to me? Because this is what abusers/manipulators do--they isolate. If he can convince me that his points are valid, if he casts even a slight shadow of doubt, he will further isolate her. He will be able to convince her that I, too, am on his side and she will lose one more ally. It isn't about clearing his name. It isn't about setting the record straight. It is about further breaking her. Nope. I know this game.
Secondly, what is he doing trolling her Facebook page when he is no longer one of her Facebook friends? This to me suggests some glaring issues. She had mentioned other places that he was creepy, stalkerish--including attempting to turn her neighbors against her. As I blocked him, I noticed that he had another woman in his profile picture. She is most likely the one listed as being in a relationship with him. I wonder how she feels knowing that he is so obsessed with his ex-wife. I bet she doesn't even know the half of it. Maybe she doesn't know any of it. I am sure he has his sob story that she bought--the one about his evil ex and how broken he is because of her.
Nope. I know that game, too. So many of his games sound like what I was up against when I left the one that I eventually had to obtain a PFA against. And I guess, ultimately, that is why I avoided any response back to him and just went straight into Facebook block mode. The simple question that came to my mind was: "Go back to 2010. How do you wish your friends and family would have responded? What may have made a difference and kept them in your life, today?" The answers are so simple...
Nope. I know that game, too. So many of his games sound like what I was up against when I left the one that I eventually had to obtain a PFA against. And I guess, ultimately, that is why I avoided any response back to him and just went straight into Facebook block mode. The simple question that came to my mind was: "Go back to 2010. How do you wish your friends and family would have responded? What may have made a difference and kept them in your life, today?" The answers are so simple...
They wouldn't have debated my relationship with him--with him, for any reason. Why did he go to all of them with his sob story of how he just loved me and wanted to be there for me, but I wouldn't let him? I was crazy; he wouldn't do those things that I had told them. He was so worried about me and they should be, too... and they bought it. Hook. Line. Sinker. Because that's what manipulators do. Next, they doubt me. They quit supporting me. They feel bad for him. He is so alone. So they spend time with him, because they have just been played, too and I am now left further alone, isolated and doubting my relationships with them. Nope. Not willing to do that to anyone else, for any reason. Especially not to a friend that I love and care about.
I wish that they would have stuck up for me. I wish that they would have believed me. I wish that they would have been there to support me, when I felt like my world was shattering. I loved them, but that didn't guarantee that they loved me enough in return to be there unconditionally. Some of them played into the game and said horrible things about me, as well. Some of them betrayed me on levels that I never saw coming or could have even prepared for. But they are no longer in my life, either and this is its own blessing.
Granted, I only had a Facebook message to deal with. Blocking him was pretty simple. My ex showed up at the doors of my family, friends and loved ones--in tears, because of what I was doing to him. I suppose that is much different and I am not sure that I could have turned away her ex-husband had that been the situation, either (thank goodness, he lives on the other side of the country). I am sure that he would have played upon my compassion for him as a fellow human and would have in some manner added to the confusion. Would I have said things that he could have twisted and used to hurt her? I am sure that he would have found a way. Because that is what manipulators do.
Oddly, his message to me included this gem: "But it's time to move on and stop going back to the vomit of our past. If you could encourage her to keep moving forward, I know it would help ALL the relationships involved." But who is stuck in the past here? Who is creeping on her page worrying about what she says or does? My friend simply expressed that she was having difficulty with PTS and removing the harmful things that had been said to her. That suggests moving on and attempting to let go--part of letting go is processing and making sense of the pain. Nothing she posted was directly derogatory toward him (that was me, that did that). Yet here he is, coming across 2000 miles to shoot me a message letting me know how wrong I am. Confirmation: Manipulator, abuser, unstable. Nope. I know this game and am truly not interested...
