As someone that works with low-income families and families living well below the poverty level, I am always astounded by the events surrounding Christmas. Although, I wouldn't say it is limited to just the families that I work with; going into extreme financial distress, maxing out the credit cards and even bankruptcy seems to be the new Christmas family tradition. Or maybe this has always been the norm and I just wasn't privy to the details, in the past.
I, too, grew up well below the poverty level. Our mother had many severe health problems--lupus, diabetes, high blood pressure, bipolar manic depression--working wasn't an option since she often was confined to her bed for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. Our father wasn't big on helping out and had no interest in us, financially or emotionally. We grew up in the system and it was a normal fact of life--the end of the month meant unique challenges. The end of the month meant no toilet paper--we used magazine pages, newspaper or other papers and kept a garbage bag close to the toilet for the "recycled" results. Meals often consisted of tri-colored pasta or other foodbank handouts. I must say, the foodbank choices of this era amaze me. Now the food bank offers donuts, pizzas, pies--I am always amazed by what the families that I work with tote home after visits. Today's foodbanks are more like a food lottery of choices, variety, and products that they would buy given the choice. It was strictly staples when I was growing up--rice, pasta, a block of cheese.
Despite working with families below the poverty level, I have yet to work with any that have been even close to living how my two brothers and I did, as children. We rarely had vehicles. We often went years at a time with no car. My mom had a cart that we would wheel to the grocery store and wheel back home. Thankfully, we only lived about two miles from the grocery store, but it was still embarrassing and I hated going along. Clothes were hand-me-downs from cousins, church members, neighbors. I remember being in high school and being forced to wear pants that had previously belonged to an extremely obese male; I was frequently bullied and teased because of my clothes, as a result. We made do with what we had. We didn't have any other option.
Growing up, I was embarrassed by my situation. We got free school lunches, but I was too embarrassed to be "that kid." As a result, I never ate lunch, not even once, from seventh grade through graduation. There weren't as many of us during the 80's, as there are now. Today, it is pretty common to get free lunches and I am not sure that the other students even know if someone else gets free lunch. Growing up, I also came to hate the first week of school, Christmas, Easter--all of the times that the other students flaunted their new clothing, their handheld arcade games and all of the other things that I so desperately hoped to discover deposited overnight, within my household, as well.
Christmas was generally an item or two that the school nurse would allow
me to pick out for my brothers. Sometimes we got presents from the
Salvation Army. That was always a neat surprise because as the oldest, I
knew the truth of our financial situation. Somehow, my mom always
managed to keep the Salvation Army presents hidden until Christmas
morning; when I, too, would awake to discover gifts under the tree. A
sweater, some make-up--it was never much--but it was unexpected.
Even more mystifying to me was the other holidays when peers returned to
school with new outfits, toys, and other spoils. Easter? We got jelly
beans and some chocolate--never the mini-Christmas peers and cousins
got. Birthdays? I got my favorite cake and some small gifts. Even the
beginning of the school year, we would generally get a new pair of
tennis shoes, a bookbag, some pencils and crayons--an elaborate new
wardrobe? Not unless people donated clothing concurrently, with school
beginning.
Today, as an adult, I do not look back on that time bitterly. I learned early that life wasn't fair. I learned that we don't always get what we want. I learned that, in fact, we rarely get what we want in life. I learned that I do not require the best of everything; and above that, I don't put the value upon material possessions that I see amongst my peers. I learned how to make money stretch and how to make household items go further. I learned that you do not spend what you do not have. I learned to take care of myself. I learned how to be independent. I learned how to survive.
Beyond that, I developed imagination and creativity. I learned how to creatively make things better than what they started
out as. I have learned that I can recycle "junk" into something unique
and now desired by others. I am able to see earthly goods--be it surroundings, clothing, or simple household items and not only imagine transformation, but then make it happen. Growing up without store bought items, my imagination was stretched to create what I desired and wanted through available resources. This is a gift that growing up in extreme poverty brought me that has proven invaluable throughout my life.
I still don't believe in name brands and labels. I don't see women with
their Prada or Coach purses and think, "Gee, they must lead fabulous
lives--I wish I could be like them." I see the adult products of
childhood entitlement grown up and still believing that they need to
prove something to the world through material possessions. I see people
that are never satisfied and run themselves into debt to make
themselves feel better with an often shallow existence. Is that truly something to be jealous of? No, I don't wish for their shoes--but the
bright side is: today, yes, I could afford them if I wished. I just
don't see labels and name brands as something that I need to prove my
worth.
I do not have outstanding debt. My vehicle may be a rustbucket--but it is paid for and I will run it until it disintegrates. Coworkers have made the comment "You still drive that?" Well, yeah--why not? I do not desire a monthly vehicle payment nor do I want the added stress of worrying about scratches or dings. My attire? Goodwill, thrift stores--I easily walk out with ten outfits for twenty dollars because people that only see me as the labels and brands that I wear are people that I have no desire to impress to begin with. Only underwear, bras and socks are bought new and that is far and few between, as well. Dining out? Beyond the fact that it is mostly high-calorie junk, I have a hard time justifying the price tags attached and it becomes a rare treat and one that I am willing to pay more for, on the off occasions when I do indulge. I have not had cable or the equivalent since 1999. Living within a budget is simple. You do not spend beyond what you have. I pay my credit cards off each month not only to avoid interest, but because it just makes sense. The debt I carry? Eight years of college and my mortgage.
Everything that I have today, I worked hard for. I have never had
anyone to help me. I have never been able to rely on anyone else for my
financial success. Growing up in poverty made me desire more for my
own future. I worked hard to be financially independent because it has
always been just me. If I can't take care of myself, who will? I don't
regret my childhood, but I also didn't want to spend the rest of my
life in constant fear of living on the streets. While some women
dreamed of elaborate weddings, children and marriage--my vision was for a
future where I owned my own home and was able to survive without
depending on anyone else. Poverty created that dream. Poverty
motivated my success.
Hard times? Yeah, I still have them, too--on a regular basis--don't get
me wrong. But I am also able to look at most things and say "Do I
really need that? Can I make do with what I have?" Thankfully, most
often the answer is yes. I am not saying that I am better than
anyone else or that my way of living is the correct one. What I am
saying, is that it doesn't have to be as hard as the majority of the
population makes it. I have learned to cut corners to such a degree that my world
seems strange to many viewing it--but I have learned to trade "things"
for experiences. It doesn't work for everyone; but for me, this is the
preferred existence.
As a result of my own experiences, I do not understand when parents feel that they must sacrifice and work insane schedules
just to provide their children with "all of the things that they never
had growing up." I see that often with the parents of today and I do
not believe that they do their children favors with that belief. I believe
children benefit more from quality time with their parents as opposed to
material possessions. Memories last; "stuff" doesn't. I know which
holds more value for me. Those special birthday cakes my mom would bake
for my birthday? Simple angel food cakes; flavored with Kool-Aid to
create orange, strawberry and other amazing flavors. It is the cakes
that I remember with fondness--not the gifts. It is the time and love that she put
into creating something uniquely for me. Looking back, the gifts that she hand made hold so much more value than the store-bought items.
Winter is coming and with it, Christmas. I see the frantic parents around me. I see the financial burden they create for themselves in an effort to shower gifts upon their children. I get it. Don't get me wrong. I understand wanting to give the best to loved ones. I understand wanting that magic. What I don't understand is digging such large holes, when the magic isn't in the boxes under the tree. Possessions only bring fleeting happiness and often have a unique price
paid along with them--there is an unseen burden attached to possessions. It is in the memories--decorating the home together, watching movies together--it is the time spent together that they will remember and cherish, in the end.
The families that I see going into financial distress and maxing out their credit cards in the name of family tradition; in the name of creating a better life for their children? I view it as farce. This is parents teaching their children that they are entitled. This is parents teaching children that their worth is based upon how much they have and the label attached to it. This is parents teaching children that love has a price-tag. Society complains about individuals believing that they are entitled, that they deserve hand-outs; while they create these monsters within their own homes. These parents, believing that they are doing what is best for their
children, inadvertently rob them of some of the best gifts that life has to
offer. They rob their children of creativity, of learning to make do, of learning to live within their limits. These are gifts that I wouldn't trade for the world.
I hear some of my readers saying, "What do you know? You don't have children. You don't understand." What I can tell you is that, as a human and having once been a child, it didn't kill me to not have as much as my peers. As an adult that works with children and teenagers, seeing the effects of giving them whatever they want is not pretty. Not being able to tell children "no", does not a good parent make. Being a friend, as opposed to a parent, isn't the answer. Buying them the world doesn't make them happier or better people--those are the illusions our society has created and that our media attempts to sell us. Think back to your own childhood, your own cherished memories--do you truly disagree???
