YES!!!

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”  
~Iyanla Vanzant~

The Curse

How many of us utter negative self-talk in front of our children?  How often do we tell them that their life will be so much more fantastic than our own?  That they can accomplish anything they want because they, alone, are the most amazing person ever to grace the planet?  Yet, we let them be in earshot of our own self-doubt and self-loathing.  Please remember, that it is good for them to see you having healthy self-esteem and self-respect.  It will mold how they talk to themselves as an adult.  We are all products of our parents--especially our same-sex parent--it is normal to see them and their life as a "roadmap", if you will.  Let them see that you are okay with your life, even if it didn't turn out like you expected and hoped it to--that will help ensure their future happiness, too.  The reality is, none of us get all of our dreams or hopes met--heck, most of us are lucky if even one thing turns out, even half, like we had hoped.  However, our outlook on our life will almost certainly mirror what our children grow up to see when they view their own reflection.

 

The trick to life is being happy with what you have and still looking in the mirror and liking who you see.  Sure, it is easier to see our own negatives and focus on them--but sometimes we need to step back and view ourselves with the same eyes that others see us through (and not the eyes of exes, parents, or others that would choose to cut us down).  Give yourself some credit, be proud of who you are.  If you can teach your children that--they will be golden, no matter what life throws their way. 

 

Your children will eventually develop the same self-respect that you hold for yourself, even if what you tell them about themselves is immensely more positive.  They may currently believe that they are the best person ever, that they can achieve anything that they want to, that following their dreams will lead to happiness; but at some point, life in the real world will catch up with them and their response to it is what will truly ensure their future happiness.  Healthy self-esteem, as a child, will probably lead to better choices as an adult; I really can't speak from that end.  But I do know that no matter how hard we work towards achieving our dreams, life doesn't always cooperate.  Divorce; dead-end jobs; college educations that we thought would ensure decent pay, success and respect?  Does it ever really work out exactly like that?  For anyone?  I believe that some people may appear to have it all and appear to have happiness, but I have also read some pretty crappy books hidden behind beautiful covers.

We all know, as adults, that nothing in life is guaranteed.  No matter how hard we work for something, it doesn't mean that it will turn out the way that we had hoped.  And sometimes, even though we worked hard to achieve our dream, sometimes we catch it and discover that we still feel empty.  Maybe it isn't really what we wanted after all and now we have no idea which direction to turn.  Perhaps it is equally, if not more important, to teach our children how to still be happy and okay with their lives when faced with disappointment.  In a world where children are rewarded just for showing up and not putting forth effort, perhaps we have forgotten how to teach them to deal with disappointment?  And truly, what does adult life contain more of?  Pats on the back, constant praise and hearing that they are the most wonderful person ever to walk the Earth or the inevitable letdowns and disappointments?
 

My mother always berated herself and would make comments about how "everything she touched turned to shit", that she was a failure, that she could do nothing right, how us kids would be better off with our dad and talked of death/suicide--while it wasn't directly pointed at us--it still influenced how I viewed my own world, for many years.  In addition to the negative self-talk that my father had instilled in me, from birth on, I also had the inevitable concern that I, too, had inherited her ability to "destroy everything touched."

 

For many years, I worried that I had her curse.  It was even better when one of my brothers told me (within the past two years, even)  that it was inevitable.  He and his wife sat me down, with genuine concern and asked if I knew about "my curse."  Since he grew up hearing it from our mother and also had a father putting it in his ear that the women in our family, generation after generation--me, my mother, my maternal grandmother--so on and so forth were doomed to a miserable existence full of broken relationships, crushed dreams and the "non-Midas touch"--I guess it is no surprise that he genuinely believed this.  His concern was that I didn't know and should be aware, that I may as well just give up now--that there was no hope, no matter what I did--it was genuinely touching.  He and his wife were actually attempting to look out for me, they weren't trying to crush my life hope and I think that they wanted to offer their emotional support.  I think they were a bit surprised when my response was laughter and not tears.

 

I am forty years old.  I have my Master's Degree, eight years of college under my belt and a job that I genuinely like and am well-suited for.  I bought my own home in 2006 and everything in it, I have worked for.  My only outstanding debts are my student loans and my mortgage.  I do not have credit card debt; I live within my means; my vehicle is paid off and I have always supported myself, from day one of leaving the nest.  I have only ever had myself to rely upon--everything I have, I have earned myself.  What is wrong with that?  How does that equate failure?

I have never been married.  I have never had children.  I have had two romantic relationships that were quite abusive--the first one lasting six years, the second lasting two years and ending in a three-year PFA.  The second relationship also ended with my father and I being estranged, being ostracized from my paternal family and the ending of many relationships that I cared about (his family, my own, etc).  I guess this is enough to suggest that the curse is true.  It is what my brother and his wife alluded to when they discussed "my lot in life" with me.  I suppose I could crumple, fold and call game-over, as well.  That has been my programming from day one, yes???

Or I could be realistic.  I never really wanted children.  I wanted to have my tubes tied as soon as I began menstruating.  As soon as I found a doctor willing to preform "elective sterilization" without having already had children, I signed up and went for it.  Yes, I am human, there are times that I have wondered how it would have been to have had children; but overall, no.  That has never been a pressing desire.  Marriage?  I have had three engagement rings placed upon my finger and could have had more, if I wanted.  Marriage has never been my end goal, either.  The abusive relationships?  Does that mark me a failure?  Because I trusted and saw the good in individuals that hurt me?  No, that doesn't mark me as a failure.  That just means that I need to be more careful in my partner choices, not fall for the manipulators and I need to seek out healthier relationships.  Seeing the good in everyone can also be viewed as a good quality; being tenacious and not giving up on my relationships, despite the negatives could also be viewed as good qualities.  It is all in perspective.

The ending of my relationship with my father and his family?  It has always been toxic and fraught with pain.  In truth, I have been much happier and more secure in who I am, now that I no longer have their incessant whispering in my ear and their prophesied doom hanging over my head.  Having the hovering insistence that I am going to mess everything up was quite exhausting, in reality.  Having them point out every tiny fault or mistake, maddening.  Without them to push me back down and expect the worst, I am able to bounce back, brush myself off and carry on.  I am good with that.

Losing the PFA-ex's family?  Yeah, that still stings.  I still think about and miss them.  But like anyone that fades from your life, the pain lessens and others move in and fill those spaces.  Losing the other people that I did?  A sister-in-law that I loved dearly and considered a close friend?  The cousin-in-law that I considered a little sister?  My father's wife that I came to love and considered a friend, as well?  I have since accepted that these people that I loved were not real--I loved a façade of the person that I thought they were.  I loved a side that they showed me, but never really existed.  They never truly loved me or cared about me; they loved what I gave them.  Love does not seek to destroy.  And this, too, I view as a blessing.  These individuals readily took everything that I offered but never had my best interests, at heart.  I was invested in negative influences that were secretly drilling holes in my ship, every time that I turned my back.  My ship sails much better without their added weight and sabotaging.  Call it "house cleaning", if you will.  Removing false friends from life is a blessing in the long-run--no matter how much it hurts when it is initially discovered.

Overall, I think what many people fail to grasp when viewing my life, is that I do not feel sad and alone because I have no children and have never been married.  These were my choices and au contraire--I am proud of the fact that I never gave in to what society attempted to force me in to.  I was not created with a cookie cutter and while marriage and children may have brought me happiness on some levels--I think that overall, I have created more personal life satisfaction by choosing the path that I did.  The mistake would be for me to allow myself to believe society and the "well-meaners" with their view of what should make me happy.  It would be nice if they could also respect my choices and not feel the need to meddle, but I recognize that is unrealistic.

 

So, clearly, I have been granted a choice.  I could view my life as a failure because it doesn't match what society says is required for personal happiness and success.  I could listen to my family and believe that I am doomed to their predicted life of misery and failure.  I could view myself as a spinster (despite the live-in fiancé; because according to society, this still is evidence of my failure, since I have not yet committed on paper); I could also choose to view myself as a lonely person destined to a lonelier future--alone in a nursing home because I didn't vaginally create anyone to take care of me in my old age. Newsflash: from what I have seen and noted around me, there is no guarantee that the adult seeds of your loin will care for you in old age, financially or emotionally.  I worked in a nursing home for a while and the individuals without children actually seemed to be just as happy, if not happier, than the individuals with children.  The ones with children seemed to regularly fret that their children, grandchildren and such did not visit enough--there was more expectation.  And I guess that is what this post originally started out about--not letting our life expectations dictate our happiness.

 

My choice?  I am okay with being a statistic--single, never married, 40 year-old female, no children.  Just make sure you add in the educated, content, successful, independent and yes, for the most part--happy.  After all, I broke a curse that I have been told from birth that I could not outrun.  And no matter what life throws at me, I know that I will bounce back and still maintain inner-peace.  Maybe my parents and all of the other nay-sayers actually did me a favor in life.  I was always told that I would amount to nothing--that I would be pregnant and on welfare by sixteen--that I would fail, miserably, and at everything.  My goal?  It was always just to prove them wrong.  In that, I deem my life: GOAL MET.

Making Sense of It All

I was recently talking to a friend that was struggling with situations in his life and feeling hopeless about his future.   He stated: "I just can't see any such thing as answered prayers in this world.  I don't see karma. I don't see any of that. I think there is a God but that it's non-intervention with most things.  It's like the saying, "I asked God for bike. But then I realized it doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."  I don't think eight million Jews prayers were answered in WWII - that's a big one.  And on a minor scale, I prayed morning, noon, and night, for years, asking simply for God to somehow help us fix a marriage, so I could be with my son all the time.   How can that not be a righteous request?  A father who wants to be with his son?!?  I just can no longer see how prayer works in this world.   As far as karma, I have been doing the right thing for so long and I have yet to see where karma has come back to me.   So I think its bullshit.   I think shit happens because it just fucking happens.  And if you do good and the right thing, you should do it never expecting a single thing back in return ever cause it doesn't work that way."

 

"I just can't believe any more that there is anything taking me where I am supposed to be.  I think it's up to me to take me wherever it is.   I just don't know anymore.  All I see is that I was raised and taught to do the right and proper thing and I always try to do that.  And this is how doing the right thing ends up?!?   That makes no sense to me."

 

Our conversation sparked a lot of thought over the past hours and made me wonder a bit about why I perceive the universe the way that I do.  It made me wonder how any of us manages to keep a positive attitude when life sometimes seems bent upon our destruction.  I find this a lot, too, with my fiancé, who it seems to me, sometimes views the world as a force intent on subjecting him to pain.  He often remarks that all of his life is made up of bad choices that cause him to struggle with his current survival.  His past marriage, his choice to adopt a child that was a product of her affairs, staying with her despite her manipulations--he now pays dearly for his choices.  "If I just had gone through with the divorce the first time she left..."  Don't get me wrong, he loves all of his children but it certainly did not work out as he hoped or wanted and sometimes that breaks him emotionally (and financially).  His outstanding debt?  Also, viewed as bad choices making his life hell, now.  "If I had lived frugally when I had the decent job..."   I see so many people that don't move forward because they are still beating themselves up over events that can not be undone.  Many, like my fiancé, still pay for choices made decades ago.  Many lose faith in God, the universe, the powers that be--but also, many lose faith in themselves.  It is hard to move forward when one does not even trust themselves to do right.

 

I, too, believe that it is our duty to be good people.   I am not claiming that life makes sense or is fair by any stretch of the imagination, because it isn't.   Sometimes life just doesn't add up and bad things happen to good people, without a doubt.  Sometimes we really have to struggle to find the good and stay positive.  And I don't know that karma works like many believe.  If people only do good to get good things back, I don't know, that just makes me sad--what would be the point?   It seems to me, that most often, the reward is simply knowing that you did the right thing.  The right thing does not lead to popularity, riches or anything other than knowing that you made the right choice and tried your best.  I tend to believe that life is full of lessons that we are meant to learn and that the choices we make determine which path we continue on.  I believe that it is always up to us to create and follow our own individual paths.  I don't believe that it is predestined, per say, but I do believe that it all works out exactly as it was meant to.  

 

I also believe that sometimes we are part of someone else's lesson and our experience isn't entirely our own.  We are all part of this existence; with other people, also trying to make sense of their journey (well, most of us--it does seem that some individuals exist solely to mess up the cogs and throw monkey wrenches about).  Strange as it sounds, I believe that sometimes we simply play a part in someone else's lesson and that may be all the more purpose an experience serves in our own life.

 

After the experience in 2010 with the PFA, my father, the police and all of that--I really struggled.  Reading the 302 report that my father filled out and knowing that is what he thinks of me?  While having always been berated and trampled by him--somehow seeing it in writing almost destroyed me.  Over the following two years, my brother--whom I considered my best friend--also turned his back on me and wouldn't even speak to me.  He kept my nephews from me (which absolutely killed me).  My brother, whom I raised most of his life and was almost like a child to me, shut me out.  I lost almost all of my family and instead, the PFA ex was invited to and attended family functions, in my place.  My family decided that I was not worth keeping; but that a man that wrecked me financially, emotionally, and abused me and my pets was.  Not only did my family turn their backs on me when I needed them most, they also took my abuser under their wing and essentially decided that he was the better human being.  They made the choice to keep him, as a part of the family, instead of me.  Any clue what that does to self-esteem?  I spent 2010 and most of 2011 simply wanting to die. 

 

I still don't talk to my father.  He has always been a bad person in my life, as well--but he still insists that he did nothing wrong in his actions--that instead, he saved hundreds of lives by his failed attempt to have me institutionalized (because he prevented me from going on a killing spree--he also since has made these same accusations regarding his best friend and others--he may have a hero complex or may just be insane).  At any rate, I was talking to a friend about it afterward and she explained something to me that really changed the way that I look at the world.  I couldn't understand why any of that happened, why my family has always treated me so horribly and so on.  She explained that maybe the experience in 2010 wasn't MY lesson. 

 

There were so many people that seriously messed up during the events that day.  I could have had an immense law suit--I could have sued MH/MR (crisis/the Meadows), the police department (they refused to tell me why they were taking me away and handcuffing me in my own yard; refused to identify themselves; plus, I weighed 115 pounds and had a bulging disc, prior to this event and the two male police officers messed me up further because my father convinced them that I was an aggressive, homicidal meth-head), the hospital, so many more.  My defender through the PFA process (and one of my dad's friends, years ago)  really pushed for me to move forward with a lawsuit and sometimes I think that I should have. 

 

But who knows what happened as a result?  The Meadows, the police department, the hospital--they all tried to bury the entire event because they knew that I could have sued the pants off all of them.  They ignored protocols and automatically trusted and took the word of a man making statements against his adult daughter, simply because he was in a uniform and well, no one in the law enforcement field would lie, right?  When they later discovered that he had hoodwinked them--they realized that they had all put their own jobs at risk.  That's pretty serious.  I know their protocols changed as a result of my situation, the Meadows told me that much before denying that the event ever happened.  Maybe my situation saved someone else from something even more traumatic? Maybe it was a lesson for someone personal in my life?  Who knows?  A lesson for many?  Quite likely.  But my friend's point was that sometimes our experiences are a lesson for others. 

 

I believe that everything in life is interconnected--a web, if you will.  No action is independent in life--it touches many others, whether we want it to or not.  Our actions, words and deeds vibrate out and affect others--it is inevitable.  We function similar to cogs in a machine, all have a place that we fill, hopefully for the good of the machine.  Karma?  I believe that it is better to put good into the universe because it resounds back as good--maybe not in our personal lives, but to the universe, in general.  Shakespeare's statement that "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"?  Yes, I believe this on several levels. 

 

Maybe I just look at the world in a weird way--that is undeniably probable.  I have had so many horrible things happen in my life that I guess it is only normal that my outlook on life would be a bit skewed--but I use those experiences, the best that I can, to help others through their own nightmares.  My mom being murdered?  The abuse throughout my own life?  I use everything to help others--it is the only way that I can see to make sense of it--to turn tragedy into something good.  Because I know no other way.  Otherwise, I would have given up long ago.  Life is about survival and hopefully making the best out of it.  If one's own tragedy can be used to walk others through their own heartbreak?  Why not?

 

How does this apply to my friend's situation?  It takes two for a marriage. And a miserable marriage is worse on the children than having two separate, healthy households.  The happiest day of my life was my father leaving.   I was thirteen and lord knows, I wish they had split up sooner.   We can't always see the big picture of "What If."   Trying to makes us miserable.  Sometimes you just have to have faith that life is taking you where you are meant to be.  I know that is asking a lot and is maybe ridiculous, but I know it helps me when I am crashing and drowning.

 

Maybe his marriage only had one sole purpose.  His son.  He is what keeps him going, he is the light in his life, his best friend--his everything.  Maybe he is all that was meant to come from the marriage.  That sounds horrible, but I have no doubt that my friend did everything within his power to make the marriage work--regardless, maybe it wasn't meant to.  I believe that they each make better parents separate than they did together--which is, I know, not the way that my friend wanted it to be, but as he said earlier--"it is what it is."  His belief that his life is  "a microcosm of bad life choices;  only one bore fruit and that is my son."  No, not a microcosm of bad life choices.  A microcosm of life experiences helping him determine who he is, what he wants in life and what he will no longer tolerate in his future.  And yes, something amazing and perfect came out of the experiences--his son.  That is the blessing.  Perhaps, had his marriage remained intact, as he prayed, the damages done to their son from fighting, would be irreparable.  As it is, their son gets the best of each of his parents.  I know that isn't what my friend wanted, hoped for or dreamed of--but perhaps it is better than what would have been created together, in the marriage. 

 

My belief is that it isn't always for us to understand.  Sometimes the "big picture" and what might have been, had our paths taken a different turn, isn't for us to understand.  Trying to leads to headaches, stress and sorrow.  The past cannot be changed, the most we can do is learn from it and move forward; wiser and with new tools in our belt.  If we become better, more compassionate humans, as a result--if we develop empathy for others--has not the tragedy in our lives been transformed into something better?  Is it not meant that we learn from life and still soar, stronger and more determined than when we first rose from our past ashes?  I cannot accept that life is simply attempting to destroy us--that our goal each day is to make it through and not commit suicide.  Maybe I am blind and giving human existence more credit than it deserves.  Maybe I am just trying to make sense of my own heartbreaks.  Either way, I choose to move forward and still have hope in the future.

The Insanity of It All

To know that her current husband/baby daddy makes six figures and that the crazy amount she gets is just her play money--that is mind-boggling to me.  To know that so little of it truly goes to the children, to know that she uses the excuse of not having money to prevent them from following their own interests--that just seems sad.  That he is only left with ten dollars after the child support is taken out and that ten dollars is supposed to last two weeks--that blows my mind.  That he can't afford to see his children, wants to and she doesn't care--that is maddening.  That she can sleep at night without a guilty conscience, to find that she is so self-righteous through all of it, that she doesn't care who she hurts by running him through the wringer--him, the kids--that makes me wonder if there truly is justice in the world.  To know that we can't have a future, can't afford to live because of her greed--that is difficult to stomach.  That I am taking on extra hours and cases in hopes that we can survive, to support  children that I did not produce, when I have worked so hard to be independent and self-sufficient--that seems like insanity to me.  That our system works to destroy men that are good fathers, that want to see their children and want to support them, but at such a cost--that seems ludicrous to me. 

 

I do try to have sympathy and I have tried to put myself in her shoes.  I can't.  I realize that I may never understand the mentality behind someone that uses their womb to produce their own financial security.  To look at men, calculate how much I would be able to get out of them financially for eighteen years by producing their offspring?  That just seems foreign to me.  I think that I would be ashamed if everything in my life was bought and paid for because I was ensuring that my past partners had to pay for having been with me.  I sometimes wonder how society not only continues to permit such mentality but rewards it?  Maybe they need to put a cap on it--"Oh, six children?  Four different fathers?  Nope, you have to go out and work, too.  You can't just sit around, collect a bunch of checks and think that you are all that."   Maybe they should have to get spayed when they reach such levels?  I wish that young men, just becoming sexually active knew the risks that they really take.  Maybe, if they would come out with a birth control pill for men; something that they could secretly take without informing their partners.  Seems harsh?  I used spermicides, sponges and other such and didn't tell my partners--still making them wear condoms.  Better safe than sorry was always my motto...

 

I apologize.  Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't understand.  Sometimes it is difficult to not be bitter and confused by all of this.  Sometimes I wonder how people can justify destroying the lives of others that have the misfortune of crossing their paths and still manage to believe that they are owed what they take.  Am I really the only one baffled that our child support system has become so corrupt???