A Parent's Step-by-Step Guide to Eventually Removing An Unwanted Adult Child:
Step One: Begin from an early age, preferably birth, to let the child down and discourage all interactions or excitement upon your presence. Planned ignoring works especially well at this age--if you can, pretend that the child is invisible or does not at all exist--do not be confused with making this into a fun game where you later acknowledge the child--you must make this a daily occurrence. At this stage in their development, you can actually convince them to question their own existence and can assist them with establishing a very frail grasp on their own self-worth with the proper efforts. Encourage the child to recognize that you are not interested in being there for them emotionally, physically, or in any normal parental capacity--this must be established as soon as possible.
Step Two: (Note--this one works best for the father of a daughter--but can be used in multiple fashions, with a little bit of creativity.) Having shown no interest in your daughter during the first five years of her life, suddenly become very interested as her siblings are born--especially the male children. Do all of the things with these new children that she has been asking you to do since birth. Continue to exclude her and only do activities with the male children.
Step Three: Now that your daughter is recognizing that she will be treated differently solely due to her lack of penis, begin reinforcing other stereotypical roles and pointing them out more frequently. Examples--make sure she stays in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning with the other women, while the men relax and entertain each other during holidays and family functions; remind her that she cannot do the activities that she wishes because those ones are for boys--instead, point her to the dress section and hand her a cookbook; ignore her requests for "boy-themed" toys--no, she can not have anything Spider-Man or Transformers for Christmas--but here is a nice doll that she can comb the hair on; beat her mother and scream at her for any lack of womanly duties (sexually, housekeeping, or in any fashion that you see fit as the king of your castle). BONUS FUNCTION: This role-modeling will also help the child to feel inferior and will keep her beat down throughout much of her life and pave the way for future men in her life--they will thank you later, we promise!
Step Four: Vanish. Divorce means you do not have to deal with any of those pesky kids. On the holidays, spend time taking them to your family's house--not because you want to but because it is expected and makes you look good--you must maintain that stellar reputation! During the car time, tell all of the children how they have let you down, that they are disappointments, and that you do not understand what is wrong with them or why they cannot be more like your friends' children.
Step Five: As she begins to think about graduation and her future, tell her how stupid her ideas and dreams are. Tell her you will only accept her if she is a doctor, dentist, or lawyer. Continue to tell her that you disapprove regarding everything about her. Let her know that she is an embarrassment and that she has always been a disappointment, in all manners.
Step Six: Tell her she needs to make you an informed part of her life. Yet anytime that she tries to talk to you--pick up the newspaper and begin reading; change the TV channel and complain about today's television programs. Start talking about the wholesome days of The Waltons and how much family values have changed, while missing the absolute irony. When she stops speaking mid-sentence to see if you are listening, let her. Make no attempts to resume the conversation or to engage in any manner. Be thankful when she shuts up.
Step Seven: When her mother is murdered and she is broken--emotionally kick her, repeatedly. Tell her that the ashes can't be kept in the house. Insist that the ashes be buried on your family plot. Make her feel that her grief is wrong. Yell at her when she cries. Tell her regularly what a horrible person her mother was and try to make her feel guilty for still missing her dead mother. Make her feel like she is a bad person for still loving her mom. Later, when she is 36 and struggling with what would have been her mother's 60th birthday, you can use her grief to try and have her committed/put away--you don't know that yet, but you will be excited to use her pain against her, in yet another blow, but shh... that is still years and years away...
Step Eight: While having always maintained an emotionally distant relationship, accept her birthday gifts to you, her Christmas gifts, and Father's Day dinners--these things show how well you have done in contributing to her life and you have earned them. Plus, periodically giving her hope so that you can crush it on those odd days that she feels slightly secure in the relationship is always a good idea. Make minimal attempts on her own "special days", birthdays, and life events. Giving her birthday gifts such as her brother's old, left-behind, fishing boots that would never fit her; leopard-printed garment bags with the Goodwill tags still intact; and other items from around the house as her gifts, will help remind her that you have no idea who she is, what she is into, or what she likes--while having the added bonus of showing that she isn't worth the time it would take to actually purchase something, when you can just give her things you were already throwing out anyhow.
Step Nine: Tell her youngest brother, whom still lives at home, that he is forbidden to have contact with her. The reason? He left a soda can on the coffee table. You and your new wife are convinced the daughter used "mind-control' from twenty miles away and "programmed" your youngest son to leave the soda can on the coffee table "to destroy" your current wife. These are your realities and truths regarding the daughter--she is accused of such "conspiracies" on a regular basis.
Step Ten: Days before her 27th birthday, at your father's funeral, while she stands beside you, talk about how neither of your sons could be there due to being in the military. Talk about how proud you are of them and sing their glories. Next, introduce everyone to your new stepson and sing his praises. Do not acknowledge her presence at the services--do not introduce her--do not even mention having a daughter (let alone two daughters, but that second one is even more invisible and you are 100% sure she doesn't exist, either). Ignore the fact that your daughter just graduated college, with honors, and is the first person in the entire family to have ever attended college--not noteworthy or important--she has no penis. Remember, even at this age, you should pretend that the female child is invisible or does not at all exist. In addition to pretending she does not exist on this day, for added fun, make sure her birthday is now the only one ignored by your side of the family. When she asks your mother why hers is no longer included, make sure it is explained that her birthday is a reminder of the anniversary of your father's passing--no apologies, no future attempts to acknowledge it. It simply fades away, too--almost as if she is being fully erased from the fabric of your life.
Step Eleven: You, however, will still acknowledge her birthdays by sending odd birthday cards with cryptic messages about how she needs to accept your wife and with other weird lectures contained in the "greetings". Not "Happy Birthday--I love you, I am proud"--just more evidence that she is not who you think she should be, she does not meet your expectations. She will save these cards in a special folder because they hurt and while she does not wish to look at them, she does not feel right throwing them away. After all, they are some evidence that you have thought of her. She jokes that maybe someday when on your death bed, she will mail them all to you and that maybe by then you will have figured out why she hurts.
Step Twelve: When she graduates with her Master's Degree and a 4.0--still have no clue what field she is in, what she does for a living, or where she works. After the ceremony, offer to take her to dinner--but insist that you choose the place. When she states repeatedly that she hates the food there--tell her she can sit in the car while the rest of the family eats. Make the entire meal about yourself and again, ignore the fact that she is there or has achieved anything significant. After all, she still isn't a doctor, lawyer, or dentist. It really is her own fault, if she still is not important in your eyes.
Step Thirteen: When in her mid-thirties, she is terrified of a previous partner and she feels trapped, scared, and is unsure how to safely leave the relationship--she will come to you begging for help. Tell her that it is between her and her partner and that you do not want involved. If she cries and pleads, walk away and firmly tell her that you do not believe her. Tell her that you think she is on drugs for leaving such a wonderful man, certainly your favorite of her partner choices. Attempt to convince the rest of the family that she is a liar, remind them that she always has been, and that there is something "very wrong with her" for leaving such a perfect guy--you know because you are an excellent judge of character and she has always been the problem--not him.
Step 13.1: Show up at her house unexpectedly. She will be extremely excited because she believes that you have come to see her house and visit her, which does not happen, despite regular invitations. Watch her face fall as she realizes it isn't actually a visit--you didn't expect her to be home and were searching for proof that she is no good and on drugs. Ignore everything that she says defending herself, but write down who her doctor is, who her employer is, who her insurance agent is. Tell her that you will find a way to have her put away, if she refuses to go voluntarily. Jingle your handcuffs, frequently; remind her of your power and authority. Again, ignore her suggestions that she is having problems with an abusive-ex. Pretend that you are going to give her a hug, and then grab her firmly by the shoulders and start to firmly shake her back and forth, while yelling at her that you will find out what she is up to. Ignore her tears as you leave.
Step 13.2: Call her employer. Demand to know if she works there and what her role is. Unfortunately, her employer is someone that she trusts, he already knows what you are doing and the efforts that you are making to remove her from life. When her employer tells you that maybe you should try talking to your daughter and asking HER where she works, you explode. NOBODY talks to YOU that way.
Step 13.3: Have no further contact with her until the court hearing she is having to protect herself from her previous partner. But, as an added twist, show up on HIS side. Show up to the hearing in your uniform, attempt to convince the judge that your daughter is crazy, on drugs, and that her previous partner is simply concerned about her well-being, as well--not stalking, harassing, or attempting to terrify her. Would her own father lie? Obviously not!!! Look at his handcuffs--see his badge? He is a respected, upstanding member of the community!!!
Step 13.4: When the judge ignores you and your requests to put her away, while still granting your daughter a three year PFA (Protection From Abuse order), apologize to her previous partner and let him know that you will still take care of "this problem". Leave straight from the PFA hearing and go to her local mental health authorities. Do not worry about the fact that these are her coworkers and that you may jeopardize her job or her future--she and that judge are winning! DO WHAT YOU MUST. She WILL be controlled.
Step 13.5: Several hours after her PFA hearing, have two police officers come to her house for her. She will be convinced that she has done nothing wrong, she will believe that they cannot take her from her own property, she will think that she is finally safe from abuse due to getting her PFA. Take this feeling of safety from her. Send the police there with the belief that she is homicidal, suicidal, has threatened to kill her family, and is a danger to society. Again, it does not matter what you say to get the police there--you have your own badge--you are her father. Why would you lie or try to hurt her? The police, now convinced that she has drug super powers and is extremely dangerous, will be particularly rough with her 115 pound, 5'2 frame. Two men, against her, with handcuffs--they don't even have to answer her questions of why they are taking her or who they are or what their badge numbers are. They, too, are the law and she is a dangerous, terrifying piece of garbage--their uniforms equal supreme authority and they, too, can do as they will with her.
Step 13.6: After she is transported the ten miles to the hospital, via handcuffs and police car, she will be humiliatingly escorted into the emergency room with a police officer on either side. You feel incredibly smug. Look at what your power and authority can do! You showed her! You finally got that little bitch. She disobeyed, she made you look foolish--let's see who the fool is now. You wait at the hospital during the hours that she must spend getting blood tests, urinalysis, and sanity screenings to show that she isn't on drugs, homicidal, or suicidal. Be excited. Soon, she will be on her way to a long-term mental health facility and may be there for months, even years. You did this! Now, not only will you be erasing the problem, you can also gather sympathy and show how good of a dad you are by watching out for her. Maybe they will even put you a talk show and talk about your bravery! Look at what you have accomplished! And, you taught that little bitch of a daughter who she was messing with--she will soon tremble in fear because of your power, your authority, your ultimate control. She will toe the line now!!!
Step 13.7: When, on the day of her PFA, attempts to convince the judge, the mental health community, the police, the hospital, and all other attempts fail--you are now beyond angry. You don't know how she passed all of those tests or what is going on, but you are sure it must be connected to witchcraft. After all, you wrote in the 302 report (along with so many other interesting bits in an attempt to have her put away forever) that she was a practicing "wicken", that she prays and believes in god--because if the witchcraft/Wiccan part failed to get the desired results, believing in God may. You didn't expect her to obtain a copy of that 302 report--you had no clue that as a mental health worker herself, with a Master's Degree, she may know that it is within her rights to obtain a copy. You discover that not only did she escape the hospital, but she refused to talk to you while you waited patiently in another room, she even left without having a vehicle--remember the police brought her via handcuffs and police car... Somehow, she managed to find a ride back to her house without her dear old dad. There is an unbelievable outrage at your complete loss of control over her life.
Step 13.8: Hit her where it hurts most. NOTHING is working right. Your badge, your power, somehow she is still free. Have her youngest brother call her. Have him pretend that he is concerned and that he wonders where she is--he heard about the PFA hearing followed by the police/hospital adventure--she will talk to him. When he finds out she is back home and in her own bed, not in route to a hospital nobody ever leaves from, he gets angry and tells her that if he saw her he would "shake the shit" out of her, too. She is officially broken. Her day started with the PFA hearing early that morning, followed by police, hours of hospital tests trying to prove her sanity, finally as one of the longest days she has ever had comes to a close--as she is battered and bruised from the police, as she is mentally wiped out by her father's actions and by her family's betrayal--the final blow. Her best friend, her youngest brother--he, too, tells her that she does not matter. There is nobody left. She is truly alone.
Step 13.9: When days later she goes to her family doctor, due to her injuries from the police, he will also violate her trust and faith. He will ignore her physical injuries, he will tell her that she is overreacting and will begin questioning her sanity, as well. He will ask her if she hears voices, if she sees things that aren't there--when she leaves crying, she is discharged as a patient without her consent, told not to come back and the majority of her medical records "vanish"--all of those years of treatment effectively gone. As do all other records of that day--the police will deny the events ever occurred, they will deny having ever even having heard her name. The agency responsible for creating the 302 report will deny the event ever occurred. The hospital, too, will deny all events--yet she will be forced to pay for those events or have her credit ruined. She is effectively erased from the system--with the exception of financial responsibility--for some reason SHE is still the one to foot the bill for those unwanted adventures. But not only is your power reinforced, she is reminded that she is tiny. She is reminded that she has no voice. She is reminded that she does not exist. She has vanished.
Step Fourteen: Over the next year, keep her nephews from her. Invite her abusive ex to family functions, while excluding her. Continue to say horrible things about her, make sure others tell her what is said so that she knows and is ensured to be hurt. Her youngest brother will now join in the act of her being invisible and pretending that he does not hear her when she speaks. Your mother will be overwhelmed with trying to watch these two nephews and will let her come spend supervised time with them. Her brother will be angry that she is there and will make efforts to verbally hurt her. Her eldest nephew will ask her before they move out of state "Why does our mommy and daddy hate you?" She will cry, but have no answer. And just like that, she loses her youngest brother and her nephews. She will later learn that during that year, her brother spent time going to the movies with her abusive-ex, they spent time at each other's houses--the abusive-ex even watched her brother's dogs while her brother was out of town. She may not have ended up in that long-term mental health facility that you have wanted, but you have driven her to a worse place. She is finally gone. You proved your point. She is effectively removed from the family. You have broken her. She now sees your full power and how much you can take from her.
Step 14.5: Over the next year, she feels more alone than she ever has. Physically, her body has been damaged by the police and she is worried that she will suffer permanent damage and never be able to fully enjoy her life again because of their actions against her 115 pound body. Emotionally, she is more frail and alone than she ever remembers. She doesn't understand how family can hurt her so much. She will plead with different family members to see, to understand. They will shun her and say horrible things to her, as well. She will be told by other family members and people in the community what her family is saying about her and telling others. She will officially give up being a part of that family, the one that has hurt her so many times from as early as she can remember. She will officially learn how to be alone because she has no other choice.
Step Fifteen: Two years after the PFA/police incident, your daughter will become engaged. Despite all that has happened through the years, she will still feel guilt regarding the thoughts of having her first wedding without inviting you. She will reach out and try to make amends. You will again tell her that she is crazy, but you will now turn the tables, yet another way, and state that you were on HER side during the PFA hearing, you never accused her of being on drugs, you never said he was a good person--you were 100% supportive of her throughout the entire process and she just doesn't remember it correctly because she was so "ill" and that if you had not stepped in as you did, she would have killed hundreds of people, maybe more, in a mass shooting. How does she NOT see how you are the hero? She gets so confused by your statements that she begins to doubt herself regarding the occurrence of events--but you have trained her all of her life to not trust her own memories; you have trained her to believe that what was done never occurred.
Step 15.5: She truly begins doubting herself, and goes as far as asking the others that were present through the PFA hearing and hospital adventure what occurred. They, again, confirm that these events did happen as she remembers--she also has thick files of all the documents (PFA reports, phone logs, hospital records, 302 report, etc.) proving that everything did indeed happen, exactly as she remembers it--because this isn't the first time she has been gaslighted, is it? She kept such fierce files and documents because this has been a regular part of her life--attempts to make her believe that she is crazy. It worked with her mom, why wouldn't it work with her??? Keep them off their feet--women should never have faith in standing on their own.
Step Sixteen: Oops! Four years later, her youngest brother's fiance slips up and asks her if she knows about the curse she has on her. The fiance and brother explain that the women on her side of the family are all cursed. Her maternal grandmother, her mother, herself--cursed to a lifetime of doomed relationships and certain failure in all that they do. Apparently, this has been whispered in the family since her birth and believed by all. She is looked at with pity by her brother and her fiance--how could she NOT know? EVERYBODY KNOWS. Which apparently also helped form her into the needed scapegoat for cousins and all family throughout her life--but she never quite understood this growing up. When her brothers did wrong, it was her fault--her influence. When her cousins did wrong--somehow she influenced them. This not only was a normal part of childhood, but continued on as adults, as well. Even her cousin leaving her husband for another man became her fault. Any family mishap could nearly always be traced back to her. But she never understood why. A family curse--how simple! That also explained why the boys were untouched by the madness.
Step Seventeen: Six years after the PFA/police incident, you receive a package in the mail. A "World's Worst Father" mug. Ah, the confirmation that horrible daughter of yours is a no good piece of shit and just out to make your life miserable. Finally, the absolute proof that she is the vindictive cunt you tell everyone that she is! If only she could be locked up somewhere that they can't send gifts through the mail... Hmm. Remember that fourth child? Daughter #2--the one you steadfastly refuse to admit exists? Did you notice that the mug arrived on HER birthday? Of course not. Just another daughter that doesn't exist--of course, you would never make THAT connection. The fact that Daughter #1 is aware of the mug being sent is simply confirmation that she put Daughter #2 up to it. No other truth may matter--just this one. Daughter #1 is the entire family problem. There is no Daughter #2.
Step Eighteen: Wondering why Father's Day finds you alone. Wondering why none of your children are taking you out to dinner--after all, you are the best dad out there. You took those three kids in when you didn't have to. You did everything for them. You gave up so much. You are an amazing man, everyone looks up to you, you are the man that most men only wish that they could be...
Perhaps you have children out there that wonder if Father's Day is now as painful for you as it has been for them all of these years... Nah. That doesn't fit your perception of self--the hero, the stand-up guy, the father of the year. Surely, the reason that you have no children near you is due to the success of the boys, and well, those pesky girls, they never existed to begin with...
This one is for all of you that struggle with not having a father, for those that have been hurt repeatedly by their parents, for those that struggle with Father's Day because it is a reminder of what you never had. Sometimes the best therapy tool is attempting to look at a situation from the perspective of those that hurt us (although I am not entirely sure this is precisely what would be suggested)--this writing is what I, personally, found to be of assistance, today. I realize that I do sound petty, vindictive, and hateful in this, but after all--I am sharing it as I would imagine him to. After all, these are only small peeks at what I have been told and experienced over the years.
It was also interesting creating a mini-timeline and viewing the bigger picture as to why my father has not been permitted in my life for the last seven years. I must note that while walking away from my family hurts on many levels, it has also resulted in much inner peace. Also, the larger blessing--I have discovered many wonderful people through the years that have become my family and that love me for who I am. For them, I truly am grateful.
