A Few Quotes by James Baldwin

I know I haven't been posting as much, lately.  I am still writing--most of it just hasn't made it into cyber space yet.  I am hoping soon to do some editing, finish some drafts and post a bit more over the next months.  For today, I wanted to celebrate the life of James Baldwin.  These are a few of his quotes that, in particular, reach out to me:

"One writes out of one thing only--one's own experience.  Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give.  This is the only real concern of the artist, to recreate out of the disorder of life that order which is art." ~James Baldwin~

"Most of us, no matter what we say, are walking in the dark, whistling in the dark.  Nobody knows what is going to happen to him from one moment to the next, or how one will bear it.  This is irreducible.  And it's true of everybody.  Now, it is true that the nature of society is to create, among its citizens, an illusion of safety; but it is also absolutely true that the safety is always necessarily an illusion.  Artists are here to disturb the peace." ~James Baldwin~

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." ~James Baldwin~

"Ask the wretched how they fare in the halls of justice, and then you will know, not whether or not the country is just, but whether or not it has any love for justice, or any concept of it." ~James Baldwin~

"All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story, to vomit the anguish up."  ~James Baldwin~

 "Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor."  ~James Baldwin~

"Art has to be a kind of confession. I don't mean a true confession in the sense of that dreary magazine.  The effort it seems to me, is: if you can examine and face your life, you can discover the terms with which you are connected to other lives, and they can discover them, too--the terms with which they are connected to other people."   ~James Baldwin~

"It is certain, in any case, that ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have." ~James Baldwin~

Musings

Five years ago marked my last Thanksgiving with my family.  I had no idea then what would transpire over the next six months and how everything in my life would pivot upon the choices that I would make that day.  I had no idea that I would lose so many people that I loved, so many people that I trusted with my heart, so many people that I called family and friends.  All in a desperate attempt to remove one person from my life.  All in a desperate attempt to save myself.  All because I stood up and said no more.  All because I decided that my life still had value, when he insisted that it did not.  When I see all of the people that I have lost--within his family, within my own--would I, in hindsight, go back and change my decisions?  If I could have them all back, would it be worth the misery that I was living with daily?  Would I go back and change it???

Got Happiness?

An absolute must read, if you want the keys to happiness and success in life.  It's a quick read, but these seven factors determine your quality of life and whether it is going to be a fun ride or one filled with disappointment, frustration and discontentment.  Is it really this simple?  I believe it is...  

7 Habits of Chronically Unhappy People

What Manipulators Do

So, tonight, I received a private message from a friend's ex-husband that didn't like what I posted on her Facebook page.  She had posted the following:

"I'm working on these three phases that were told to me on a daily basis:"
1. "It's all your fault."
2. "If you would only..."
3. "You have a demon in you... (meaning an actual demon from hell...)"

I responded to her post with my own list:

"Remember: 1. Manipulator. 2. Not a nice person. 3. Was out for what he could take from you. 4. If you are the bad person, he still looks good. 5. He is unstable. 6. Where did he get his exorcist license? 7. You are a good person. 8. How did he do as husband, provider and partner? 9. Should I keep going? 10. Because he's the crazy. Not you."

The private message I received from him appeared to be a lengthy breakdown contradicting each of the three phrases that she posted, why these things that she stated were true or untrue (the demonic possession seemed true to him, BTW) and followed with a question about each item that I posted in return, and also demanding that I explain myself.   Admittedly, I didn't bother reading everything that he wrote.  I started to, but it went against my "avoiding negative people" policy and I simply skimmed it, contemplated a response and instead chose to block him on Facebook.  Maybe this was rude of me, I am not really sure.  Clearly, he did put a lot of time and thought into his message to me.  Perhaps I should have at least taken the time to see what he had to say?  Maybe he touched a nerve of mine and that is why I felt the need to ignore the message and just block him?

First off, why would I care what his opinion of my friend is?  Will his opinions change my mind about her?  No.  I know what he has put her through.  There is nothing that can redeem him in my mind.  Additionally, I am not willing to negotiate on how I feel about her or how I think of her, so why waste either of our time with responding?  I do not desire the effort or time wasted on such endeavors.  He ended with "Take Care."  I contemplated a simple "You take care, too--I will be praying for you." But the minute that I choose to acknowledge his message with a response, I begin the process of opening doors, I invite him in--no matter how nice I play, no matter how little I say.

Does he feel that my responses to her post were inappropriate? Probably.  Do I care?  Not overly.  Why should I care what his opinion is of me?   A more pressing question, why on Earth does he care what I think of him?  Why does he feel the need to explain himself to me?  Because this is what abusers/manipulators do--they isolate.  If he can convince me that his points are valid, if he casts even a slight shadow of doubt, he will further isolate her.  He will be able to convince her that I, too, am on his side and she will lose one more ally.    It isn't about clearing his name.  It isn't about setting the record straight.  It is about further breaking her.  Nope.  I know this game.

Secondly, what is he doing trolling her Facebook page when he is no longer one of her Facebook friends?  This to me suggests some glaring issues.  She had mentioned other places that he was creepy, stalkerish--including attempting to turn her neighbors against her.  As I blocked him, I noticed that he had another woman in his profile picture.  She is most likely the one listed as being in a relationship with him.  I wonder how she feels knowing that he is so obsessed with his ex-wife.  I bet she doesn't even know the half of it.  Maybe she doesn't know any of it.  I am sure he has his sob story that she bought--the one about his evil ex and how broken he is because of her.

Nope.  I know that game, too.  So many of his games sound like what I was up against when I left the one that I eventually had to obtain a PFA against.  And I guess, ultimately, that is why I avoided any response back to him and just went straight into Facebook block mode.  The simple question that came to my mind was: "Go back to 2010.  How do you wish your friends and family would have responded?  What may have made a difference and kept them in your life, today?"  The answers are so simple...

They wouldn't have debated my relationship with him--with him, for any reason.  Why did he go to all of them with his sob story of how he just loved me and wanted to be there for me, but I wouldn't let him?  I was crazy; he wouldn't do those things that I had told them.  He was so worried about me and they should be, too... and they bought it. Hook. Line. Sinker.  Because that's what manipulators do.  Next, they doubt me.  They quit supporting me.  They feel bad for him.  He is so alone.  So they spend time with him, because they have just been played, too and I am now left further alone, isolated and doubting my relationships with them.  Nope.  Not willing to do that to anyone else, for any reason.  Especially not to a friend that I love and care about.

I wish that they would have stuck up for me.  I wish that they would have believed me. I wish that they would have been there to support me, when I felt like my world was shattering.  I loved them, but that didn't guarantee that they loved me enough in return to be there unconditionally.  Some of them played into the game and said horrible things about me, as well.  Some of them betrayed me on levels that I never saw coming or could have even prepared for.  But they are no longer in my life, either and this is its own blessing.

Granted, I only had a Facebook message to deal with.  Blocking him was pretty simple.  My ex showed up at the doors of my family, friends and loved ones--in tears, because of what I was doing to him.  I suppose that is much different and I am not sure that I could have turned away her ex-husband had that been the situation, either (thank goodness, he lives on the other side of the country).  I am sure that he would have played upon my compassion for him as a fellow human and would have in some manner added to the confusion.  Would I have said things that he could have twisted and used to hurt her?  I am sure that he would have found a way.  Because that is what manipulators do.
 
Oddly, his message to me included this gem: "But it's time to move on and stop going back to the vomit of our past.  If you could encourage her to keep moving forward, I know it would help ALL the relationships involved."  But who is stuck in the past here?  Who is creeping on her page worrying about what she says or does?  My friend simply expressed that she was having difficulty with PTS and removing the harmful things that had been said to her.  That suggests moving on and attempting to let go--part of letting go is processing and making sense of the pain. Nothing she posted was directly derogatory toward him (that was me, that did that).  Yet here he is, coming across 2000 miles to shoot me a message letting me know how wrong I am.  Confirmation: Manipulator, abuser, unstable.  Nope.  I know this game and am truly not interested...

Worth Sharing...

"No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?"

This one really hit home, for me...   He Never Hit Me  (Warning: This post contains descriptions of intimate partner abuse and may be triggering to some.)

Thought For the Day

"Behind every exquisite thing that existed, 

there was something tragic." 

~Oscar Wilde~

So many times in life...

She could hear every word he said through the open window so she started typing
Just a short letter worth sharing...

Thought for the Day

"You must love in such a way 
that the person you love feels free." 

~Thich Nhat Hanh~

The Joys of Dating the Typical Con Artist

Rather interesting blog post: You Think That You Are So Special... that explores how it feels when first entering a relationship with someone that later becomes abusive.  The lies that you swallow, the faith that permits you to push aside the red flags, and how it slowly switches from having found your soulmate and the most wonderful person on Earth to your own private, inescapable Hell.

 

I am going to condense it down and give the highlights for those not interested in reading the full blog post.  It is lengthy, but worth reading if you have been a victim or want to better understand what friends have gone through.  This is definitely one of those situations that until you have been in those shoes, you really have no clue...

 

I watched my mom live through this with the man that eventually murdered her.  I secretly hated her for choosing him, for staying with him and not leaving the situation even after it became her own personal Hell.  I berated myself for not being able to save her.  I carried the guilt for many years that I wasn't enough support to help her leave him.  It wasn't until I ended up in my own abusive relationship for six years that I truly began to understand.  You want to forgive your partner and believe them that the abuse will never happen again  You want to be there for them and help them.  You know that they are damaged, but you still love that good side, the fun side.  It wasn't until after being with the PFA-ex that I truly understood the manipulation, the lies, the pitch that such con artists feed their victims. 

 

"The con artist thus poses as a trustworthy person seeking another trustworthy person."  They seem so honest, so sincere--it isn't until you are fully tangled and trapped in their web that you start to see the lies.  But even then, you aren't totally sure, even then--they make you believe that you are the problem and it is your approaches that lead to their actions (be it their lies, their cheating, or their violence and abuse).  They are NEVER accountable for any of their own actions and also have the lovely ability of convincing everyone in YOUR life, that you are indeed the problem.  It isn't until a significant amount of time (and healing) away from them that you begin to realize that the entire relationship was based on lies--none of it was real--the person that you thought you knew was entirely fabricated based upon what they knew you desired and were seeking.  By the time this discovery is made--chances are, you have lost everything--your home, your possessions, your career, your friends, your family, and ultimately, faith in yourself.

 

And so, moving on, some snippets from the blog post shared above:

 

"You have more things in common, similar personalities.  He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he?"  "And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it?  It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself.   All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did.  Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner.  He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable.  He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns."

 

"He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate.  He's so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things.  He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in?"  "His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU."

 

"He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU."  "He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU.  NO.  He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations." "Withholding information isn't the same as LYING or anything. That's not dishonest, right?" "Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right?" 

 

"He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU.  He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU.  He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU.  He won't expect you to read his mind.  He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems.  He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN)." 

 

Yes, yes, yes and yes. 

 

I believed for so long that not only had I found my life partner, but we had so much in common that it was almost like finding a twin that had been separated from me, all of my life.  It was like, for the first time ever, finding someone that understood me completely, supported me and truly loved me.  Not to mention that we had EVERYTHING in common, from bipolar mothers and fathers that emotionally destroyed us to common interests that I had never found in anyone else.  He was the one.  I was sure of it and would have eloped and married him, at any point during that first year.  I don't believe in marriage, never had--but he was worth it--I just knew it.

 

I should have known that not all of my friends were coming on to him the way that he suggested.  But if I was that taken by him, why should I be surprised that they were, too?  And how many times had I already been hurt when my "friends" slept with guys that I was interested in?  Over and over, all of my life.  It wasn't that difficult for me to believe.  He knew that was a place that I was wounded, plus he was scoring by further damaging my relationships.  Isolation of the victim is the abuser's best friend.  And of course, he flirted with EVERYONE, ALL OF THE TIME--but no one is perfect, right?  I had to trade the perfection in other areas for a few faults, right?  It wasn't just my friends.  It was every women we encountered in daily life: waitresses, friend's friends, his friend's and even his family's wives and girlfriends.  And the other women in his life?  They were just dear friends "in bad places that needed his support."  I trusted him when he said it was just my past damage from having unfaithful partners that led me to struggle with trusting him.  It didn't matter that he cheated on EVERY SINGLE PARTNER he had ever had.  I was different.  He loved me like he hadn't loved them.  I wanted to believe him.  He was so convincing.  I swallowed it all.  THAT is the power of the manipulator and even then, I still couldn't see it. 

 

In addition to my friends, he used my own family against me.  When I wouldn't come back willingly, he convinced them that I had secret drug issues, that I was starving myself, that he was only looking out for my best interests by reaching out to them.  That he was "concerned for me" and just loved me and was trying to "save me."  Couldn't they please convince me to take him back?  Look at his tears and how much I was putting him through--weren't they angry that I would hurt such a sweet and loving man?  He effectively pushed them out of my life, leaving me with no support--no one to challenge him. 

 

And there you have a good chunk of my situation.  And also, why I still don't have my family, four years later.  They still hold tightly to the belief "But he was such a nice guy and you were so happy."   "But you changed so much after you broke up with him; you shouldn't have been so happy when the relationship ended."  Surely being glad to be free of the abuse is no reason to be happy; of course I lost weight when I was with him because "I was so happy"--not because I was extremely depressed, being emotionally abused, or that my weight was used against me, daily--nope, must be drugs.  He was too wonderful for there to be any other answer.  They swallowed it all.  THAT is the power of the manipulator and even now, they still can't see it.

 

Now, I look back and can see it all so clearly.  The infidelities, the lies, the tricks.  The surest way to know he was lying to you?  When he swore upon his father's grave and looked you dead in the eye.  And why that should be surprising is beyond me--what difference did it make to him?  All that mattered was that you believed him, that trust and faith was restored and that the cycle would be able to begin again.  His claws were still firmly embedded.  You were still controllable.

 

Yes, in the beginning, I truly believed that I had met a man that I would be willing to marry and settle down with.  In that first year, I absolutely would have.  I was willing to have children with him.  I gave up my world for him.  And I nearly lost myself, along with my former life.  And yes, I was happy, mostly, that first year.  It was undeniably magical.  There were tons of red flags, sure--but no one is perfect and he had they ability to spoon feed the lies and half-truths so that you were left feeling like the ass for ever having doubted him, in the first place. 

 

It is such a nightmare getting hooked in with these individuals--even harder to get away from them when it ends.  They know the strings to pull; they know how to use fear, pity, empathy and sympathy in the exact correct doses to keep you trapped.  They make sure that they are your world, your only world.  Friends and family can't be trusted--he has no idea why they would want to hurt you the way that they do or why they would want to ruin "the once-in-a lifetime love that we have found."  "They are just jealous and want him for themselves."  But he promises, he will never hurt you like that.  He loves you.  He will always be there for you.  You are his soulmate.  If you just come back now, he promises, he will not hold it against you that you tried to leave.

 

It is even sadder to know that there are plenty more, slightly altered versions of him out there.  I hate knowing that not everyone escapes, that some will spend the rest of their lives living with that torment.  That some fall so far into the web that they believe the lies and accept the abuse.  That many will lose their lives at the hands of their abusers.  I am grateful to have escaped.  I am grateful that it has been almost four years since the PFA was granted and that he was forced to leave alone and permit me to move on.  But I still carry many wounds, many scars and many of the pieces of my life lost, can never be regained. 

Self-Doubt

“I don't believe anyone ever suspects how completely unsure I am of my work and myself and what tortures of self-doubting the doubt of others has always given me.”  ~Tennessee Williams~

It is a Thought

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up."
~Robert Frost~

YES!!!

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”  
~Iyanla Vanzant~

The Curse

How many of us utter negative self-talk in front of our children?  How often do we tell them that their life will be so much more fantastic than our own?  That they can accomplish anything they want because they, alone, are the most amazing person ever to grace the planet?  Yet, we let them be in earshot of our own self-doubt and self-loathing.  Please remember, that it is good for them to see you having healthy self-esteem and self-respect.  It will mold how they talk to themselves as an adult.  We are all products of our parents--especially our same-sex parent--it is normal to see them and their life as a "roadmap", if you will.  Let them see that you are okay with your life, even if it didn't turn out like you expected and hoped it to--that will help ensure their future happiness, too.  The reality is, none of us get all of our dreams or hopes met--heck, most of us are lucky if even one thing turns out, even half, like we had hoped.  However, our outlook on our life will almost certainly mirror what our children grow up to see when they view their own reflection.

 

The trick to life is being happy with what you have and still looking in the mirror and liking who you see.  Sure, it is easier to see our own negatives and focus on them--but sometimes we need to step back and view ourselves with the same eyes that others see us through (and not the eyes of exes, parents, or others that would choose to cut us down).  Give yourself some credit, be proud of who you are.  If you can teach your children that--they will be golden, no matter what life throws their way. 

 

Your children will eventually develop the same self-respect that you hold for yourself, even if what you tell them about themselves is immensely more positive.  They may currently believe that they are the best person ever, that they can achieve anything that they want to, that following their dreams will lead to happiness; but at some point, life in the real world will catch up with them and their response to it is what will truly ensure their future happiness.  Healthy self-esteem, as a child, will probably lead to better choices as an adult; I really can't speak from that end.  But I do know that no matter how hard we work towards achieving our dreams, life doesn't always cooperate.  Divorce; dead-end jobs; college educations that we thought would ensure decent pay, success and respect?  Does it ever really work out exactly like that?  For anyone?  I believe that some people may appear to have it all and appear to have happiness, but I have also read some pretty crappy books hidden behind beautiful covers.

We all know, as adults, that nothing in life is guaranteed.  No matter how hard we work for something, it doesn't mean that it will turn out the way that we had hoped.  And sometimes, even though we worked hard to achieve our dream, sometimes we catch it and discover that we still feel empty.  Maybe it isn't really what we wanted after all and now we have no idea which direction to turn.  Perhaps it is equally, if not more important, to teach our children how to still be happy and okay with their lives when faced with disappointment.  In a world where children are rewarded just for showing up and not putting forth effort, perhaps we have forgotten how to teach them to deal with disappointment?  And truly, what does adult life contain more of?  Pats on the back, constant praise and hearing that they are the most wonderful person ever to walk the Earth or the inevitable letdowns and disappointments?
 

My mother always berated herself and would make comments about how "everything she touched turned to shit", that she was a failure, that she could do nothing right, how us kids would be better off with our dad and talked of death/suicide--while it wasn't directly pointed at us--it still influenced how I viewed my own world, for many years.  In addition to the negative self-talk that my father had instilled in me, from birth on, I also had the inevitable concern that I, too, had inherited her ability to "destroy everything touched."

 

For many years, I worried that I had her curse.  It was even better when one of my brothers told me (within the past two years, even)  that it was inevitable.  He and his wife sat me down, with genuine concern and asked if I knew about "my curse."  Since he grew up hearing it from our mother and also had a father putting it in his ear that the women in our family, generation after generation--me, my mother, my maternal grandmother--so on and so forth were doomed to a miserable existence full of broken relationships, crushed dreams and the "non-Midas touch"--I guess it is no surprise that he genuinely believed this.  His concern was that I didn't know and should be aware, that I may as well just give up now--that there was no hope, no matter what I did--it was genuinely touching.  He and his wife were actually attempting to look out for me, they weren't trying to crush my life hope and I think that they wanted to offer their emotional support.  I think they were a bit surprised when my response was laughter and not tears.

 

I am forty years old.  I have my Master's Degree, eight years of college under my belt and a job that I genuinely like and am well-suited for.  I bought my own home in 2006 and everything in it, I have worked for.  My only outstanding debts are my student loans and my mortgage.  I do not have credit card debt; I live within my means; my vehicle is paid off and I have always supported myself, from day one of leaving the nest.  I have only ever had myself to rely upon--everything I have, I have earned myself.  What is wrong with that?  How does that equate failure?

I have never been married.  I have never had children.  I have had two romantic relationships that were quite abusive--the first one lasting six years, the second lasting two years and ending in a three-year PFA.  The second relationship also ended with my father and I being estranged, being ostracized from my paternal family and the ending of many relationships that I cared about (his family, my own, etc).  I guess this is enough to suggest that the curse is true.  It is what my brother and his wife alluded to when they discussed "my lot in life" with me.  I suppose I could crumple, fold and call game-over, as well.  That has been my programming from day one, yes???

Or I could be realistic.  I never really wanted children.  I wanted to have my tubes tied as soon as I began menstruating.  As soon as I found a doctor willing to preform "elective sterilization" without having already had children, I signed up and went for it.  Yes, I am human, there are times that I have wondered how it would have been to have had children; but overall, no.  That has never been a pressing desire.  Marriage?  I have had three engagement rings placed upon my finger and could have had more, if I wanted.  Marriage has never been my end goal, either.  The abusive relationships?  Does that mark me a failure?  Because I trusted and saw the good in individuals that hurt me?  No, that doesn't mark me as a failure.  That just means that I need to be more careful in my partner choices, not fall for the manipulators and I need to seek out healthier relationships.  Seeing the good in everyone can also be viewed as a good quality; being tenacious and not giving up on my relationships, despite the negatives could also be viewed as good qualities.  It is all in perspective.

The ending of my relationship with my father and his family?  It has always been toxic and fraught with pain.  In truth, I have been much happier and more secure in who I am, now that I no longer have their incessant whispering in my ear and their prophesied doom hanging over my head.  Having the hovering insistence that I am going to mess everything up was quite exhausting, in reality.  Having them point out every tiny fault or mistake, maddening.  Without them to push me back down and expect the worst, I am able to bounce back, brush myself off and carry on.  I am good with that.

Losing the PFA-ex's family?  Yeah, that still stings.  I still think about and miss them.  But like anyone that fades from your life, the pain lessens and others move in and fill those spaces.  Losing the other people that I did?  A sister-in-law that I loved dearly and considered a close friend?  The cousin-in-law that I considered a little sister?  My father's wife that I came to love and considered a friend, as well?  I have since accepted that these people that I loved were not real--I loved a façade of the person that I thought they were.  I loved a side that they showed me, but never really existed.  They never truly loved me or cared about me; they loved what I gave them.  Love does not seek to destroy.  And this, too, I view as a blessing.  These individuals readily took everything that I offered but never had my best interests, at heart.  I was invested in negative influences that were secretly drilling holes in my ship, every time that I turned my back.  My ship sails much better without their added weight and sabotaging.  Call it "house cleaning", if you will.  Removing false friends from life is a blessing in the long-run--no matter how much it hurts when it is initially discovered.

Overall, I think what many people fail to grasp when viewing my life, is that I do not feel sad and alone because I have no children and have never been married.  These were my choices and au contraire--I am proud of the fact that I never gave in to what society attempted to force me in to.  I was not created with a cookie cutter and while marriage and children may have brought me happiness on some levels--I think that overall, I have created more personal life satisfaction by choosing the path that I did.  The mistake would be for me to allow myself to believe society and the "well-meaners" with their view of what should make me happy.  It would be nice if they could also respect my choices and not feel the need to meddle, but I recognize that is unrealistic.

 

So, clearly, I have been granted a choice.  I could view my life as a failure because it doesn't match what society says is required for personal happiness and success.  I could listen to my family and believe that I am doomed to their predicted life of misery and failure.  I could view myself as a spinster (despite the live-in fiancé; because according to society, this still is evidence of my failure, since I have not yet committed on paper); I could also choose to view myself as a lonely person destined to a lonelier future--alone in a nursing home because I didn't vaginally create anyone to take care of me in my old age. Newsflash: from what I have seen and noted around me, there is no guarantee that the adult seeds of your loin will care for you in old age, financially or emotionally.  I worked in a nursing home for a while and the individuals without children actually seemed to be just as happy, if not happier, than the individuals with children.  The ones with children seemed to regularly fret that their children, grandchildren and such did not visit enough--there was more expectation.  And I guess that is what this post originally started out about--not letting our life expectations dictate our happiness.

 

My choice?  I am okay with being a statistic--single, never married, 40 year-old female, no children.  Just make sure you add in the educated, content, successful, independent and yes, for the most part--happy.  After all, I broke a curse that I have been told from birth that I could not outrun.  And no matter what life throws at me, I know that I will bounce back and still maintain inner-peace.  Maybe my parents and all of the other nay-sayers actually did me a favor in life.  I was always told that I would amount to nothing--that I would be pregnant and on welfare by sixteen--that I would fail, miserably, and at everything.  My goal?  It was always just to prove them wrong.  In that, I deem my life: GOAL MET.

Making Sense of It All

I was recently talking to a friend that was struggling with situations in his life and feeling hopeless about his future.   He stated: "I just can't see any such thing as answered prayers in this world.  I don't see karma. I don't see any of that. I think there is a God but that it's non-intervention with most things.  It's like the saying, "I asked God for bike. But then I realized it doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."  I don't think eight million Jews prayers were answered in WWII - that's a big one.  And on a minor scale, I prayed morning, noon, and night, for years, asking simply for God to somehow help us fix a marriage, so I could be with my son all the time.   How can that not be a righteous request?  A father who wants to be with his son?!?  I just can no longer see how prayer works in this world.   As far as karma, I have been doing the right thing for so long and I have yet to see where karma has come back to me.   So I think its bullshit.   I think shit happens because it just fucking happens.  And if you do good and the right thing, you should do it never expecting a single thing back in return ever cause it doesn't work that way."

 

"I just can't believe any more that there is anything taking me where I am supposed to be.  I think it's up to me to take me wherever it is.   I just don't know anymore.  All I see is that I was raised and taught to do the right and proper thing and I always try to do that.  And this is how doing the right thing ends up?!?   That makes no sense to me."

 

Our conversation sparked a lot of thought over the past hours and made me wonder a bit about why I perceive the universe the way that I do.  It made me wonder how any of us manages to keep a positive attitude when life sometimes seems bent upon our destruction.  I find this a lot, too, with my fiancé, who it seems to me, sometimes views the world as a force intent on subjecting him to pain.  He often remarks that all of his life is made up of bad choices that cause him to struggle with his current survival.  His past marriage, his choice to adopt a child that was a product of her affairs, staying with her despite her manipulations--he now pays dearly for his choices.  "If I just had gone through with the divorce the first time she left..."  Don't get me wrong, he loves all of his children but it certainly did not work out as he hoped or wanted and sometimes that breaks him emotionally (and financially).  His outstanding debt?  Also, viewed as bad choices making his life hell, now.  "If I had lived frugally when I had the decent job..."   I see so many people that don't move forward because they are still beating themselves up over events that can not be undone.  Many, like my fiancé, still pay for choices made decades ago.  Many lose faith in God, the universe, the powers that be--but also, many lose faith in themselves.  It is hard to move forward when one does not even trust themselves to do right.

 

I, too, believe that it is our duty to be good people.   I am not claiming that life makes sense or is fair by any stretch of the imagination, because it isn't.   Sometimes life just doesn't add up and bad things happen to good people, without a doubt.  Sometimes we really have to struggle to find the good and stay positive.  And I don't know that karma works like many believe.  If people only do good to get good things back, I don't know, that just makes me sad--what would be the point?   It seems to me, that most often, the reward is simply knowing that you did the right thing.  The right thing does not lead to popularity, riches or anything other than knowing that you made the right choice and tried your best.  I tend to believe that life is full of lessons that we are meant to learn and that the choices we make determine which path we continue on.  I believe that it is always up to us to create and follow our own individual paths.  I don't believe that it is predestined, per say, but I do believe that it all works out exactly as it was meant to.  

 

I also believe that sometimes we are part of someone else's lesson and our experience isn't entirely our own.  We are all part of this existence; with other people, also trying to make sense of their journey (well, most of us--it does seem that some individuals exist solely to mess up the cogs and throw monkey wrenches about).  Strange as it sounds, I believe that sometimes we simply play a part in someone else's lesson and that may be all the more purpose an experience serves in our own life.

 

After the experience in 2010 with the PFA, my father, the police and all of that--I really struggled.  Reading the 302 report that my father filled out and knowing that is what he thinks of me?  While having always been berated and trampled by him--somehow seeing it in writing almost destroyed me.  Over the following two years, my brother--whom I considered my best friend--also turned his back on me and wouldn't even speak to me.  He kept my nephews from me (which absolutely killed me).  My brother, whom I raised most of his life and was almost like a child to me, shut me out.  I lost almost all of my family and instead, the PFA ex was invited to and attended family functions, in my place.  My family decided that I was not worth keeping; but that a man that wrecked me financially, emotionally, and abused me and my pets was.  Not only did my family turn their backs on me when I needed them most, they also took my abuser under their wing and essentially decided that he was the better human being.  They made the choice to keep him, as a part of the family, instead of me.  Any clue what that does to self-esteem?  I spent 2010 and most of 2011 simply wanting to die. 

 

I still don't talk to my father.  He has always been a bad person in my life, as well--but he still insists that he did nothing wrong in his actions--that instead, he saved hundreds of lives by his failed attempt to have me institutionalized (because he prevented me from going on a killing spree--he also since has made these same accusations regarding his best friend and others--he may have a hero complex or may just be insane).  At any rate, I was talking to a friend about it afterward and she explained something to me that really changed the way that I look at the world.  I couldn't understand why any of that happened, why my family has always treated me so horribly and so on.  She explained that maybe the experience in 2010 wasn't MY lesson. 

 

There were so many people that seriously messed up during the events that day.  I could have had an immense law suit--I could have sued MH/MR (crisis/the Meadows), the police department (they refused to tell me why they were taking me away and handcuffing me in my own yard; refused to identify themselves; plus, I weighed 115 pounds and had a bulging disc, prior to this event and the two male police officers messed me up further because my father convinced them that I was an aggressive, homicidal meth-head), the hospital, so many more.  My defender through the PFA process (and one of my dad's friends, years ago)  really pushed for me to move forward with a lawsuit and sometimes I think that I should have. 

 

But who knows what happened as a result?  The Meadows, the police department, the hospital--they all tried to bury the entire event because they knew that I could have sued the pants off all of them.  They ignored protocols and automatically trusted and took the word of a man making statements against his adult daughter, simply because he was in a uniform and well, no one in the law enforcement field would lie, right?  When they later discovered that he had hoodwinked them--they realized that they had all put their own jobs at risk.  That's pretty serious.  I know their protocols changed as a result of my situation, the Meadows told me that much before denying that the event ever happened.  Maybe my situation saved someone else from something even more traumatic? Maybe it was a lesson for someone personal in my life?  Who knows?  A lesson for many?  Quite likely.  But my friend's point was that sometimes our experiences are a lesson for others. 

 

I believe that everything in life is interconnected--a web, if you will.  No action is independent in life--it touches many others, whether we want it to or not.  Our actions, words and deeds vibrate out and affect others--it is inevitable.  We function similar to cogs in a machine, all have a place that we fill, hopefully for the good of the machine.  Karma?  I believe that it is better to put good into the universe because it resounds back as good--maybe not in our personal lives, but to the universe, in general.  Shakespeare's statement that "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"?  Yes, I believe this on several levels. 

 

Maybe I just look at the world in a weird way--that is undeniably probable.  I have had so many horrible things happen in my life that I guess it is only normal that my outlook on life would be a bit skewed--but I use those experiences, the best that I can, to help others through their own nightmares.  My mom being murdered?  The abuse throughout my own life?  I use everything to help others--it is the only way that I can see to make sense of it--to turn tragedy into something good.  Because I know no other way.  Otherwise, I would have given up long ago.  Life is about survival and hopefully making the best out of it.  If one's own tragedy can be used to walk others through their own heartbreak?  Why not?

 

How does this apply to my friend's situation?  It takes two for a marriage. And a miserable marriage is worse on the children than having two separate, healthy households.  The happiest day of my life was my father leaving.   I was thirteen and lord knows, I wish they had split up sooner.   We can't always see the big picture of "What If."   Trying to makes us miserable.  Sometimes you just have to have faith that life is taking you where you are meant to be.  I know that is asking a lot and is maybe ridiculous, but I know it helps me when I am crashing and drowning.

 

Maybe his marriage only had one sole purpose.  His son.  He is what keeps him going, he is the light in his life, his best friend--his everything.  Maybe he is all that was meant to come from the marriage.  That sounds horrible, but I have no doubt that my friend did everything within his power to make the marriage work--regardless, maybe it wasn't meant to.  I believe that they each make better parents separate than they did together--which is, I know, not the way that my friend wanted it to be, but as he said earlier--"it is what it is."  His belief that his life is  "a microcosm of bad life choices;  only one bore fruit and that is my son."  No, not a microcosm of bad life choices.  A microcosm of life experiences helping him determine who he is, what he wants in life and what he will no longer tolerate in his future.  And yes, something amazing and perfect came out of the experiences--his son.  That is the blessing.  Perhaps, had his marriage remained intact, as he prayed, the damages done to their son from fighting, would be irreparable.  As it is, their son gets the best of each of his parents.  I know that isn't what my friend wanted, hoped for or dreamed of--but perhaps it is better than what would have been created together, in the marriage. 

 

My belief is that it isn't always for us to understand.  Sometimes the "big picture" and what might have been, had our paths taken a different turn, isn't for us to understand.  Trying to leads to headaches, stress and sorrow.  The past cannot be changed, the most we can do is learn from it and move forward; wiser and with new tools in our belt.  If we become better, more compassionate humans, as a result--if we develop empathy for others--has not the tragedy in our lives been transformed into something better?  Is it not meant that we learn from life and still soar, stronger and more determined than when we first rose from our past ashes?  I cannot accept that life is simply attempting to destroy us--that our goal each day is to make it through and not commit suicide.  Maybe I am blind and giving human existence more credit than it deserves.  Maybe I am just trying to make sense of my own heartbreaks.  Either way, I choose to move forward and still have hope in the future.

The Insanity of It All

To know that her current husband/baby daddy makes six figures and that the crazy amount she gets is just her play money--that is mind-boggling to me.  To know that so little of it truly goes to the children, to know that she uses the excuse of not having money to prevent them from following their own interests--that just seems sad.  That he is only left with ten dollars after the child support is taken out and that ten dollars is supposed to last two weeks--that blows my mind.  That he can't afford to see his children, wants to and she doesn't care--that is maddening.  That she can sleep at night without a guilty conscience, to find that she is so self-righteous through all of it, that she doesn't care who she hurts by running him through the wringer--him, the kids--that makes me wonder if there truly is justice in the world.  To know that we can't have a future, can't afford to live because of her greed--that is difficult to stomach.  That I am taking on extra hours and cases in hopes that we can survive, to support  children that I did not produce, when I have worked so hard to be independent and self-sufficient--that seems like insanity to me.  That our system works to destroy men that are good fathers, that want to see their children and want to support them, but at such a cost--that seems ludicrous to me. 

 

I do try to have sympathy and I have tried to put myself in her shoes.  I can't.  I realize that I may never understand the mentality behind someone that uses their womb to produce their own financial security.  To look at men, calculate how much I would be able to get out of them financially for eighteen years by producing their offspring?  That just seems foreign to me.  I think that I would be ashamed if everything in my life was bought and paid for because I was ensuring that my past partners had to pay for having been with me.  I sometimes wonder how society not only continues to permit such mentality but rewards it?  Maybe they need to put a cap on it--"Oh, six children?  Four different fathers?  Nope, you have to go out and work, too.  You can't just sit around, collect a bunch of checks and think that you are all that."   Maybe they should have to get spayed when they reach such levels?  I wish that young men, just becoming sexually active knew the risks that they really take.  Maybe, if they would come out with a birth control pill for men; something that they could secretly take without informing their partners.  Seems harsh?  I used spermicides, sponges and other such and didn't tell my partners--still making them wear condoms.  Better safe than sorry was always my motto...

 

I apologize.  Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't understand.  Sometimes it is difficult to not be bitter and confused by all of this.  Sometimes I wonder how people can justify destroying the lives of others that have the misfortune of crossing their paths and still manage to believe that they are owed what they take.  Am I really the only one baffled that our child support system has become so corrupt???    

So Simple, Really...

I don't know that anybody else gets it.  Recently, at my brother's wedding, I was approached with the opener of: "I know you hate your father, but..." and I had to explain that I don't hate my father.  He has primarily been a destructive force in my life; he sees me as a horrible person and is frequently bent on pointing out my real and imaginary flaws to me and everyone around me.  I had been accepting of these behaviors and tolerated them throughout my life because he is my father and I wanted a relationship with him.  However, after his actions leading up to, during and after the PFA hearing--he may not be a part of my life until he simply admits that he may have been wrong and that his actions were excessive (to say the least).  Even a sincere "I am sorry" would let him back into my life.  Would this be a wise choice, on my part?  Absolutely not.  But he is my father...

 

I don't think that my father or anyone else understands that me excluding him from my life and avoiding family functions is not some vengeful act.  I am well aware that it doesn't hurt any of them by having me excluded as a part of the family.  I know it hurts me most.  My actions, over the past three and a half years, are not about hurting anyone, or trying to make them feel sorry or guilty--it never has been.  It is simply because even though it hurts me horribly to exclude them from my life, it hurts me even more when I let them in.  This is and has always been self-preservation.  But I guess when they have always seen me as a monster, misunderstood me and viewed me as a sociopath--it only stands to reason that they wouldn't understand my absence any better than they understand my existence.

Worth Reading

I stumbled across this short article, today, and felt that it was worth sharing on here.  14 Ways to Create the Best Relationship of Your Life I have also added it to "Articles List" for future reference.  Not only does it have great tips, thoughts, and ideas on keeping romantic relationships going; I felt many of the concepts were important to relationships with friends, family and other people of importance.

I Miss Her

Truth is, it may always hurt from time to time. 

A Lifetime Ago

I was messing around with my old blog: Ramblings From Basho and came across this post: More Than A Lifetime Ago from June 9, 2008.  I felt it was an appropriate tribute to the upcoming anniversary--January 10th--21 years since my mother was murdered.  I read this one and was reminded of why I faithfully journal.  Journaling pays homage to the person that I was.  Journaling shows me how far I have come.  Journaling marks my journey and allows me to travel back and remember the person that I was and allows me to be proud that I am still here; that I have survived; to note the strength the years have granted me.  I can glance back at the pain and remember the wound, while touching the scar and realizing that that space is now simply numb.  I am no longer that person.  I am a warrior.  I am a pioneer.  I am a force to be reckoned with. 

 

I am still my mother's daughter.  But more importantly, I am now my own person.  I am simply a person with a story.  I still have some nerves exposed, but most have withered, blackened and simply ceased to be.  I am a motherless daughter.  I have walked this path for twenty-one years.  I now assist others as they break, fall, and crash along their own path of loss.  It is a loss that has its own unique pain and sorrow.  It is a grief that one does not truly understand until they are engulfed in it themselves.  I had no one to guide me through my loss.  I discovered my path to healing through trial and error.

 

My only knowledge of being motherless was written in the past of what our mother suffered through by losing her own mother at a young age.  My maternal grandmother died when I was ten months old.  She was forty-one years old, my mother was twenty-four.  It is unknown whether it was suicide or murder; she drove her car over a cliff in  California.  My own mother was murdered at the age of forty-two, when I was nineteen.  Again, in California.  My own path has always seemed curiously marked.  This is a difficulty almost all individuals encounter as they reach the age that their same-sex parent was as the time of their death.  I turned forty this past summer.  The joke has always been that if I make it to forty-four, I am golden.  I have never done well with imaging old age--I have no guides. 

 

Birthdays do not trouble me as they do most people.  I did not struggle with turning thirty, as everyone told me that I would.  It was just another day.  Surely forty would see some tears and a sorrow regarding lost youth?  I watched the PFA boyfriend spiral into immense depression as his fortieth birthday drew close--surely, this birthday would see my struggling?  I began practicing saying forty six months before it even occurred, just to see how it sounded.  It rolls off my tongue with ease, if not pride.  Birthdays do not trouble me, in that I am aging.  Birthdays trouble me in that I am approaching the age of my grandmother's end.  I am approaching the age of my mother's end.  But I am thankfully prepared.  I am aware of the "crisis" that often begins as one approaches the age and I monitor my own activities for collapse.

 

Twenty-one years.  I barely remember having a mother.  I do not remember unconditional love.  I do not remember security in life.  I do not remember having a back-up plan, other options or having anyone other than myself to depend on.  For twenty-one years, I have been my own guide.  I was forced into adulthood before my teenage years even began; at nineteen, life ensured that I was to be old before my time.  This is my path.  This is not a path I planned or chose.  It is not a path that I can turn back upon and change course.  This is the path life said that I shall take and make the best of.  Who am I to argue or challenge?  How would I even begin?

 

When I look back over the past twenty years, I look back and remember the immense grief when I found out that she was gone.  I see the first year anniversary and the daily tears through not only that first year, but through the next two. During the first three years, I never thought that I would possibly move beyond the grief--I would never be happy in life again. I see the ten-year mark that was as intense as when I first lost her.  I see the twenty-year anniversary, during which time I wondered who she would be if she were still here, today.  I wonder who I would be?  Perhaps I would have married and had children.  Perhaps she would be a grandmother and her laughter would finally find our ears.  I see the pains that came with all of those pieces of my life, the uniqueness each time carried, but deep pain, nonetheless.  I simply have thicker callouses now.

 

I look back at how I felt toward her killer.  I look back at the guilt that I carried.  I look back through someone else's eyes.  I look back and see the path to where I am today and I see the spots where I stumbled, where I broke down; but none of it seems real.  Even now, this can't be real--perhaps I am still dreaming?  There is no anger towards her killer.  There is no pity.  There is no emotion.  Numb. I am floating above, looking down on a life that surely cannot be my own.  How does someone survive that amount of grief?  They say time heals all wounds.  It does not.  We simply learn to cope; to adapt.  Not because we want to, but because there is no choice.

 

I can glance back at the pain and remember the wounds.

 

While touching the scar, I realize that the space is now numb. 

 

I am no longer that person. 

 

I am a warrior. 

 

I am a pioneer. 

 

I am a survivor.

 

I am a force to be reckoned with.