Today, one of my posts was about "smiling depression", which was a new term for me. At any rate, I added the following personal information: "Having lived with major depression from birth until around age 38, this article reminded me of all the times that I heard 'just put on a happy face and eventually you will feel happy'... most assuredly, that did NOT work for me in my 38 years of trying--kudos to those that it does work for, I just wasn't one of them..." This was met with the following question: "You indicated that at 38 you no longer suffered from major depression. Can I ask what helped you?" My response was this:
"I can say part of it was that I learned about KFUK (thank you, Anne Lamott and thank you to CBT) and learned to 'change the station'. KFUK was probably the biggest thing that removed my depression--another piece was removing the negative person that helped create that station, in the first place. For me, I visualized a radio in my mind, anytime that I realized I was talking horribly to myself, I literally visualized turning the dial to another station. So a lot of thought-stopping and thought refocusing in the beginning. A LOT. As that got easier, I started trying to figure out where the negative thoughts were coming from and why. I then processed them and kicked them out. So thought challenging, thought reframing--becoming more aware of inaccurate or negative thinking and responding in a healthier manner.
So much of my depression was directly related to that negative self-talk. It's still a work in process, but it gets easier with time and makes life so much better when you learn to be nice to yourself. Being happy is NOT an option as long as negative self-talk hangs around. I know that depression is a complicated and evil beast, there is much more that went into me kicking it--but those were two of the big pieces--eliminating negative people, eliminating negative thoughts."
But here is the unabridged version:
What helped me? Whoa. Not one thing alone, that's for sure. More like a recipe, with a smidgen of this and a dash of that... But, I did go from major depression (with suicidal tendencies) to happiness and contentment with life, so this recipe worked for me. Will it work for everyone battling depression? Probably not, but I thinking even taking bits from it to recreate one's own personal recipe would help...
Step 1: Remove ALL negative people from your life--doesn't matter who they are or who insists you cannot remove them (lies--do it anyhow). If they are bad for you, say hurtful things to you, if your soul screams when you are with them--run. Don't look back.
Step 2: Change your inner-dialogue. That awful little inner-voice that says terrible things to you? Fight it. Anytime that you catch yourself talking horribly to yourself--stop. It is hard to do, but talk to yourself the way that you would to someone that you love more than life itself (your child, your best friend, someone you would never wish to harm). Figure out where the negative thoughts are coming from and why--process them--and then kick them out. Being happy is NOT an option as long as the negative self-talk hangs around. My depression was directly related to that self-talk. It's still a work in process, but it gets easier with time and makes life so much better when you learn to be nice to yourself. And YES, you do deserve to be nice to yourself--start ignoring that sort of negative that immediately. We all deserve happiness in life--end of story.
Step 3: Reduce your workload as much as possible while still being able to live and pay the bills--too often work equals stress. Figure out what makes you happy and then pursue those wonderful things that make you happy (mine, as it turns out is ferrets--they make me laugh, feel calm, and make everything better--so my ferret recipe, at any given time, is six or more ferrets). Exercise as much as you can, eat as well as you can, sleep as well as you can, spend as much time in nature as you can--these things are all amazing and can do wonders for the vehicle that you know as your body.
Step 4: When you have a bad day, let it go. Go to sleep--remind yourself that tomorrow is another day. Seriously, SLEEP ON IT. Try again the next day. Setbacks happen, but they do not define you. They are speed bumps and potholes in the book of life. Your current success rate for surviving is 100%--don't ever forget that. This also goes back to step two--learning to forgive yourself and moving on.
I have to also start by defining a few things that happened to me in recent years. In 2007, I met what I thought was my dream partner--I was on cloud nine, thought my life was amazing in all areas (work, love, play--things were amazing). In March 2009, I moved in with him and discovered him without his mask. Living with him was hell, it sent me into a depression that I almost didn't come back from. By the point that I left, I wasn't even sure if I was strong to escape, but I did on November 27, 2009. April 1, 2010--he still wouldn't leave me alone, it had escalated to me living in absolute terror--I finally got a PFA on him. April 22, 2010 was the official PFA hearing--it was also one of the worst days of my life and inspired this entire blog--so I won't go into that too much. Long story short, I lost everyone in my life--my brother, whom I considered a best friend; my nephews, whom were my life and my everything; my dad, which also meant giving up my entire paternal family, which was also the only family I had--2010 was traumatic on levels I cannot describe in just a few sentences. The depression that engulfed me during that time may have even been worse than when my mother was murdered in 1993. Suicide was a constant thought and I had a real fight to stay alive.
Before the 2010 event, there were many people that I loved and considered to be my friends and family—but I discovered most of them were not good people and many of them were using me. I was devoting so much of my time, my energy, and my love to them. While I lost many good people, I also lost many that didn’t belong in my life. I am now thankful for the empty spaces that they left behind. Those empty spaces have been used to focus on me, my life, and the people that truly do love me. A big part of my lifelong depression being eliminated? Due to the 2010 events, my father is no longer in my life. I later realized that my inner-dialogue was his voice, his words to me through the years, all the painful, hateful things he would say to me? I learned to say them to me, too. I am healthier and better without him and without that inner-dialogue. It may sound harsh, but 36 years with my father in my life was a major source of my depression--I didn't know that at the time. I just saw the depression as another of my many personality flaws and another reason to hate myself--vicious cycle.
Through 2010 and 2011, I attended weekly domestic violence meetings with other survivors. I started to piece myself back together. I had to learn to love life and most of all, to love myself. I had to learn to not only be okay with myself as a person, but to like myself. This has probably been the most difficult struggle. But it is essential in reducing and removing depression. I also began to recognize who my true supports were and kept only them. I did hurt some people that I wish I had not during this cleansing, but many of the people that I had as friends were very hurtful to me on a regular basis--some without intending to--some because it made them feel better about themselves, but I had to set guidelines on what was hurtful and destructive to me. I had to walk away from those that were tearing me apart, piece by piece, a little at a time--just as I did with the ones that did it in brute force, like my father.
March 2011, I met my current partner--definitely a good thing on all sorts of levels. He has definitely supported me in pursuing my dreams, helped me figure out what makes me happy, and has been a huge support through hellish days. I don't know how he managed to even stand me in the beginning, let alone love me or stay. I was a mess and a challenge even to myself. During one of our bookstore adventures in 2011, I found the book "Toxic Parents"--which was a bumpy ride and hard to read, doing the activities was even worse, but it was definitely a book that changed my life for the better and helped me start to remove my dad's "soundtrack of negativity" that I had over my lifetime turned into my own inner-dialogue, but never realized. It helped me heal the lifetime of damage that relationship had caused, not that he meant to cause that inner-voice or that damage, I think we are just two very different people and his approaches at "fixing me" broke the fuck out of me. I also started a blog (this blog, in fact!) on 8/9/11 about the 2010 events and I have to admit, that has been some of the best therapy ever. Writing helps me work through issues, helps me process the crazy in my life, and sets me free. In October 2011, I took Reiki I and Reiki II--life-changing, as well. Reiki has been a beautiful thing in my life and I remain ever grateful that I pursued that path.
On 2/25/13, I bought my treadmill. While it has done nothing noticeable for me physically, mentally it is a godsend. It's where I go when I am angry, sad, frustrated--it clears my mind, gets me on track, and helps me mentally in ways that I never expected. I typically walk between 9-12 miles per week on it--I can tell when I skip it--I get moodier and meaner than normal. In 2013, a friend gave me Anne Lamott's book "Bird-By-Bird" and I learned about KFUK and learned to change the station (this was probably the second biggest thing that removed my depression--the first was removing the negative person that helped create that station, in the first place--I am including a blog post, Managing Those Inner Critics by Pamela Hale Trachta, that I found about KFUK to simplify things). Also, July of 2013, for my 40th birthday, I bought myself a sewing machine. I had no idea how to use a sewing machine and was terrified of them--but sewing has become one of my major therapy sessions. I process so much mentally while I sew and work through so many issues. That purchase also led to starting my own clothing line in August 2015, which has also been good for me spiritually.
2016--ugh. Can we delete 2016? Another terrible year in the life from start to finish. My depression did come back to play A LOT that year. The setbacks, the deaths, the work crazy--all of it could have permitted the depression to reenter. BUT, it didn't. I cried so many tears during 2016 and had days where I had to fight to keep going, but like a test, I passed. 2016 was beyond ugly and I still feel sad thinking about any number of the nonstop events that transpired that year. But 2016 also helped me realize that I am resilient. I can bounce back. I can still have happiness and contentment, no matter what life (and death) throws at me. Making it through that year and still being depression-free gives me hope that I finally beat it.
In February 2018, I found kombucha and started brewing my own. Weird as it sounds, when I have a bad day, I come home and reach for the booch--my mind eases. Tension melts away. I relax instantly. I know it sounds silly, but yes, kombucha is part of my happiness recipe. I feel silly even adding it to this list, but I have to. My personal happiness recipe? I guess it looks something like this: writing, Reiki, blogging, lots of ferrets, true friends, self-work, physical exercise, kombucha, sewing, self-love, self-healing, a supportive and loving partner, shutting off KFUK, getting rid of bad voices--whether they were my own or attached to family and "friends", a desire to get better, a desire to change--being fed up with life as I knew it and wanting happiness--wanting to be free. It didn't happen overnight and I won't lie--it was hard work, it resulted in a lot of tears, a lot of angry moments, but I had to dig inside and find the roots of my depression and had to rip them out. ALL OF THEM. Even the ones that just had tiny roots and didn't hurt as much as some of the bigger ones--it all had to go.
So yeah, my recipe for eliminating depression? Get rid of bad people and negative self-talk. Replace them with people that love you and are genuine supports. Not an option? It is better to stand alone than with people that hurt you. Love yourself--learn to look in the mirror and see the good things. Discover your strengths and passions--pursue them. Find the things that return you to a state of peace, calm, and joy--do them more. Work on challenging and changing your destructive thoughts--they serve no purpose other than causing misery.
My depression was from birth until a few years ago. It was severe. There were times that I tried to end it; there were daily thoughts of ending it, even beyond the attempts. For the past years, I have been able to live without the depression. I have happiness. Yes, I still have times where I struggle, but I can now fight them off and still be okay. I am lucky--I had the tools necessary to start the healing journey and to see it through. For those that do not, finding a good therapist--especially ones that specialize in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) would be recommended. Depression is a cruel master. I would not wish it upon anyone.
Today, my mom would have been 69. I can't picture her aging. I have currently outlived her by three years now, myself. My biggest question is who would she be now? I like to imagine her making a comfortable living as an artist and having a little cottage near a beach in California. Maybe Malibu. Maybe in northern CA.
I picture the gardens, the flowers, the white picket fence she always wanted. I picture a home filled with warmth, friends, and tea. I see us traveling together, exploring the world--still my best friend, still with a sense of adventure, still with a desire to meet new people and to learn everything about them. I picture her enjoying her grandchildren and teaching them to bake, to paint, to dance.
I picture her with cats on her lap, as she reads all of the books that she has missed over these past 26 years. I picture her being amazed by what she can do with the internet and getting lost in the magic. I imagine hearing her voice on the phone and being able to tell her that I love her. I picture visiting her and feeling that sense of home that you only have when with your mother. I picture her happy, something she struggled so hard to find here.
Yet, no matter how hard I try, even with these images in my head--she is still only 42--I simply can't imagine beyond that. I am okay with this, though. This was the first time that I was able to picture a happier vision. Generally it is always linked to her murder, the pain attached, and the grief of missing her. I am hoping to retain this vision, to heal, and to be able to smell the flowers and the sea when thinking of her on these days...
