Earlier this week, I read an article that I didn't love, but it did have some very key points that have stuck with me over the past days. Read it at your leisure, take from it what you will, I am sharing the parts that stuck with me and why. Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility
"Healing is our responsibility because if it isn’t, an unfair circumstance becomes an unlived life." I have struggled greatly with processing the events that occurred nearly a decade ago. People that I could not view a life without, and that I loved deeply, intentionally hurt me and were intentionally cruel to me. I have spent almost ten years examining the events that transpired, the way that I was treated, and I admit that I still don't understand the events on all levels. I perhaps never will. I have worked greatly on healing and repairing myself, but there will always be deep scars from those events and I do not believe that many of those relationships will ever return to the free, unconditional love that once existed. I have not only seen their ugly sides, but I have had that ugliness pointed directly at me. With great harm done comes great consequences. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to hold grudges, but knowing what my loved ones did to me at a time when I needed them most and begged for their help, only to have them become my attackers as well? How can I ever trust them with my most vulnerable parts again? I see it as foolhardy to embrace them freely now.
I did spend that first year, as I was trying to heal, almost completely alone. If the people I loved most in life could destroy me like that, who could I trust? I did stop living because the wounds were so deep that I was no longer able to function as a "normal human" in society. I had to relearn how to walk through life as others did without crying, without fear, without terror. Not only from the things my loved ones and family had done to me, but from the things that I lived through as my ex terrorized me. I was truly a shell of a human after those events. Perhaps one of the hardest parts of returning to a normal life was learning to quit watching over my shoulder and literally checking the rear view mirror more than I watched the road while attempting to venture beyond my property, but instead returning to a state that most people take for granted in their daily life--that they are safe and can move about freely through their life without constant threats of physical harm from other humans.
An unlived life. Living in constant fear and extreme terror is exhausting. Ten years later, I feel semi-safe since my ex is currently in jail. I have mostly been able to resume my life as a result. But I cannot deny that I fear the day that he is released into society again. He has been in jail since August 2016 and I have definitely used these years as a time of healing and gathering strength. My only hope is that this strength remains when he is free in the world again. But yes, agreed. If I do not heal, I remain fearful of the outside world--which hurts me even more. I need to keep trying to reach the place that most folks walk through life--with faith that the world will not hurt them. Isolating due to excessive fear is a hard place to live. Not feeling safe anywhere--be it in my own yard, inside my home, or in my vehicle is what was taken from me in 2010. I still fight those fears and still fight to rejoin a normal life. Healing has been an enormous challenge that isn't easily explained to others.
"Healing is our responsibility because unprocessed pain gets transferred to everyone around us, and we are not going to allow what someone else did to us to become what we do to those we love." Leaking. I wrote about leaking in other blog posts: On Stopping Leaks. This is still an area that I struggle with--honestly, I think most humans do. I especially leak related to the 2010 trauma when around my extended family members. I feel like they all still believe my father and his hero narrative. The truth is, many of them hurt me deeply, too, through it. I still leak hard. Even ten years later, I still desire them to see it as I did, to know what actually happened through my eyes. And yes, for them to see their parts in it all and to apologize. The truth? They don't care. They have their own hero narratives to support and admitting that they were part of the problem isn't an option. So I continue to leak, dredge up the past, which echoes in their heads as "stuck", "here we go again", and these are the only pieces they see of me. Only allowing them to see these stuck parts is more likely to reinforce my father's narrative that I am "broken" and filled with animosity verses who I really am.
Healing and accepting that it is part of the past allows me to be more comfortable around those that I may wish to resume a relationship with again and allows me to relax instead of trying to make them see my side, which is something they are not capable of no matter what I say or do. I realize that this point is in regards to "everyone around us", this was just an added part of where processing this part of the article led. If I am to repair any of these relationships, I need to heal and accept what was done to me. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. It is already woven into my story's tapestry. But I can chose what gets woven into future chapters. I can continue to work on my own healing and fixing those leaks. If they haven't seen my side yet over the past ten years, of what benefit could the leaks be over the next ten? Acceptance is my best bet in healing this part of the past.
"The thing is that when someone else does something wrong and it affects us, we often sit around waiting for them to take the pain away, as though they could come along and undo what has been done." As I wrote about in my last blog post, Another Chapter Closes, I spent ten years waiting for my father to recognize his error and not only apologize to me, but for him to admit to the world that he hurt me when he should not have. Ten years. I believed that him apologizing and admitting his error would somehow heal me. That somehow it would fix my now broken parts. Somehow, it would undo the damage done. I recognize now that had he apologized, I would have accepted him back into my life and that it would have opened doors for him to cause me even more pain. Yet for so long, I felt like the only thing that could take away my pain and hurt spots from 2010 was for all of the key players to apologize, admit their error, and for them to attempt to make amends. The reality? This is still leaving the key to my happiness in THEIR pockets. It is still giving them ultimate control over my life, my happiness, my freedom. Isn't that part of how this entire debacle came about? Had I not reached out to my father and my family for help--had I stayed away from them in the first place--so many of those events would have never transpired. Of course, that is looking with hindsight and I had no way of knowing that my family would turn against me as they did. In fact, the lesson I am suggesting here is to not trust a single human and to try to solve everything on my own--I have learned that this way doesn't work, either. Lord knows I have tried that route many times. It doesn't work. Alone isn't a healthy option. It's an option, for sure, but perhaps not the best one.
My brother hasn't fully apologized for his part in the 2010 events, but he has made some attempts toward explaining his actions. It doesn't undo his words or his actions. It doesn't undo that out of everyone in it, he perhaps hurt me the most. He was my best friend through so many years. He is my brother. He was one of the few people that had walked with me through my life and that I thought knew me. He is a part of our mom and I can't imagine that, had she still been alive, she would have permitted any of that to reach the levels it did. My brother's was, honestly, the deepest betrayal of them. He has stated to me that he erred by listening to what his wife and our dad were telling him. Yet he still states that they all believed they were helping and that they were all looking out for my best interest. I must remind myself that my brother wasn't here to actually see what our father did, he wasn't present when our father came here or when I had my PFA hearing. He has swallowed what our father has told him because it is easier to believe that his sister lies than to believe that his father does. My brother also still tries to see the good in his ex-wife because she is the mother of his children and is half of their creation. And he still has his own hero narrative to listen to, as well.
While some healing has occurred because my brother has at least made efforts to make amends, it still does not erase it. But it does allow him back into my life and for a relationship to still exist. We are still determining what that relationship will look like, even ten years later. He has spent most of the past decade 975 miles away. Neither of us enjoy talking on the phone, so our communication is very minimal. I have a new sister-in-law that I do not know, a three year old niece that I have never met, and my nephews (that were my world) are growing up without me. But I cannot change these things. I have no desire to move there, nor do I think that is in my best interest, and he has no desire to be back here. So in addition to past wounds, healing those wounds and taking on a "new normal" has really not happened. We each walk through our lives without the other. Prior to 2010, I never saw this as a possibility, but here we are. This broke me deeply in the beginning, but since then, acceptance has occurred and my own life has moved forward, as well.
As for my father, an apology would still be nice. But as has so often been the case with our relationship, I have accepted that the pieces I have always needed from him in my life simply aren't within the realm of reality. What he fails to see is that it wasn't simply the events from 2010 that have led to our current situation--it was also the 36 years of hurts prior to that. His actions in 2010 simply were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Had our relationship had a stable foundation prior to 2010, we probably could have still found a "new normal", as well. While a sincere apology at one point would have helped in moving forward, I now see that keeping those doors closed are in my best interest. I am okay with this. I have been healing without him. I think at some point in my life removing him would have been necessary, whether it was as extreme as the 2010 events ended up being or had it been smaller events and hurts, this was probably inevitable. Some people are simply toxic to us, no matter who they are in our lives. He is toxic in many lives but fails to see that. There are reasons that of his four children only one lives close to him and there are valid reasons that one refuses to have a relationship with him on any level. His hero narrative will never permit him to see this, but that is part of his life journey--not mine.
Yes, healing from trauma is in our best interest. But only we can define what that healing looks like. Perhaps our healing appears as animosity to others or it appears to them that we are hateful, vile, bitter humans because our healing means moving forward without them. But as our journey was when they were still included in our lives, it is also our responsibility to learn when their words and actions are their reality, not ours. For me, healing is learning that the words and actions of toxicity that once coated me and were used as the paint for my own life canvas aren't words and actions that I need to bring forward with me. For me, healing is moving forward with those pieces now tucked in a box--one that is no longer leaking and spilling toxins throughout my life. I must occasionally open the box and reevaluate how those pieces fit into my life currently because those pieces will always be here--I cannot throw them away or pretend they do not exist--not if I wish to remain in control of my healing. But in my healing, I can determine how close to my heart that box of pieces remains. I can choose to keep them in a place that permits me to remember the lessons but that I am still able to heal and move forward with light and love in my own journey.
It no longer matters what any of those individuals believes about my journey or how they describe my journey to paint themselves as heroes to themselves and those around them. My goal in healing over the next decade is to let it go. I know the story. Many others know the true story, as well. No amount of hope, leaking, or explaining will change any of it. I have tunneled through this piece of my past. I have removed these obstacles bit-by-bit. This next part of healing is about acceptance, closure, and reinventing myself in the healthiest ways possible. I will allow them their hero narratives, but will still remain mindful of those 2010 lessons that they shared with me, but in a healthier manner. For that is their piece of the journey and for them to discover--or not, if they choose. In my healing, I shall determine what levels they are permitted in my current life--or not, if I choose. And I shall not allow their current attempts to crush me with guilt and continued toxicity to permeate my well-being. Instead, I shall recognize those attempts as confirmation of what I already knew--that my healing must continue without some of them. I also accept this as part of my healing and moving forward in light and love. I am and will continue healing.
