Sometimes he stumbles, too. He has been on that spiral, slipping lower and lower. Oddly enough, he is sinking as I am rising. I am not quite sure how to help; I think it may be different when it is one's partner... although I am not sure why.
I go through regular bursts of just crazy, insane love for him. But I never go through crazy, insane bursts of telling him. It is always there, perched on my tongue, but while I rehearse the syllables and string them into coherent thoughts--it occurs to me that spilling them isn't as easy as thinking them. It isn't rejection that I fear, but simply appearing as the lovestruck, silly girl. But maybe that is rejection, too.
I want to tell him that he is my world. That I can't imagine a life without him. That the time spent apart equals me calculating the minutes until I am back by his side. I want to ask him how he feels that he is a failure; that his life is a failure--when we have found something that some people never find in a lifetime? To find one's life partner as young as we have is a blessing and a treasure. How can that be failure?
We may not have a lot of money. We aren't as financially secure as two individuals with Master's Degrees and this much college should be--but we are surviving. There is a roof over our head. It is a comfortable home. We are clothed, fed, and still manage to play a bit. Not as much as we would like, but we are better off than many people in the world. More importantly, we have "us."
Does he not remember the long years alone? The long years with partners that played you for the fool; that took everything you gave, everything you had, and still insisted on taking your soul, too? Does he not remember empty houses, empty rooms, empty beds when the soul-crushing desire was to just have someone by your side to tell you that everything would be alright? Does he not remember tears, prayers, wondering if you were destined to be alone for the remainder of your life? Wondering if you were too fucked up for someone else to love? Too fucked up to let yourself be loved? Does he not remember those days? If only I could so easily forget those days, myself.
I see him as my friend, my companion, my confidant. He is the one person I trust with all of my life details. Coming from one that struggles to let others into her world, I view this as an immense gift. As one that struggles with preferring my independence, freedom and time alone--he has still managed to become a part of my world that is not only embraced, but cherished. Fifteen months of living together has felt right from day one and is as natural to me as breathing. Is this not a gift?
I have had rings of promise placed upon my finger many times before. Yet I was never able to cross that threshold with other partners. While I still sometimes feel that fear and contemplate running, I simply can't imagine my life without him. Could I do it? Sure. Would I be fine? Yes. But would I rather have him by my side? Without a doubt. I want to be with him. He is the one that I choose to build a future with. This is not a choice I have ever taken lightly, hence a choice I have refused to entertain in the past. Yet with him, I am willing to make such a commitment. Does this not speak volumes regarding my faith in him as a human?
What is it about him that makes him different? He is who he is. I can not explain it beyond that. I love the person he is. It is that simple. It is that complex.
He does not try to hurt me--physically or emotionally. He is there for me when I am hurting and tries to lessen my pain--physically and emotionally. He supports me, emotionally. I remember early into the relationship, sitting outside, talking to him--listening to him and making myself promise to never hurt this one, that he deserves better than that. And still worrying when I am cross or angry, that feeling of not wanting to hurt him. He, too, has had much pain in his life--pain marked as "love." I don't want to cause further pain in his world. I want him to feel as safe with me, as I feel with him.
But I don't know how. I know that insecurity, doubt, and self-loathing can not be removed by another. I know that while outside forces can contribute to our feelings of self-regard, positive self-regard must come from within. This is not something that I can give him. I can barely express my true feelings of love to him, let alone convince him to change his inner-feelings about himself.
So why don't I express that love when it is bubbling, brewing and so difficult to contain? Is it because I am logical? Is it because I have always been ruled more by my head than my heart? Is it my fear that I will sound silly and crushing? Yes, yes, and yes. But even more so, if he can't see this relationship as the gift and blessing that I see it as; am I wrong in seeing it???
