Just a Rant

Finally, what I have been stating about the series, since day one: Fifty Shades of Grey Promotes Violence Against Women.

 

I read borrowed copies with a pen and notebook in hand and jotted down all of the same issues brought up in this study.  As someone that works with teenage girls and since these books (along with the Twilight series) are what many of my clients are reading--I felt I needed to read them in order to specifically address the issues.  In my opinion, these books set women back generations and I was mortified by the "jealous stalker as a hero" mentality. Most of the girls that I work with are still virgins, have never been in a relationship and are just developing their sexual identities--what a great example to provide them.  And despite what criticism I may receive, I didn't feel that the Twilight books were much better.

 

While I am ruffling feathers: Twilight Lessons Girls Learn

 

As a repeated survivor of domestic violence, as a therapist, as a women that had her mother murdered by an abusive husband, as a guide for teenage girls finding their way--both of these series trampled on my already raw nerves.

 

I posted a blog about Book One, earlier this year.  Since there were eight parts in book one that greatly irked me, thirty in book two and over twenty-five in book three?  I never did get around to blogging about the second two.  I am not an advocate of book burnings or of censorship, but I am an advocate for preventing wasted time reading bad books and the prevention of glorifying abusive relationships.  Promoting unhealthy relationships as not only normal, but appealing and desirable?  Very irresponsible and a huge setback for women as a whole.

 

Unfortunately, blogs like this one, that I just posted,  only encourage those that have managed to avoid the series to take a greater interest in seeing what all of the hype is about.  That was, in part, how I ended up reading them.  And no, it isn't about the sex in these books.  I am not a prude.  I am actually more on the verge of a sex fiend that struggles with finding partners that can keep up with my libido and had already explored the "taboos" in these books while still a teenager.  *yawns*  I had hopes that at least the sex scenes would make them worth reading.  Nope.  Penthouse Forum satisfies on a much deeper and healthier level, thank you.  Just one author's bad example of what they think "love" is and should be for women and girls everywhere.  Trade in the nice guys for the abusers.  Again, great message.  When emotional abuse is praised and taught as love, what hope is there for our youth?

 

And don't even get me started on the poor writing in the series...

Shrouded in Silence

In the end, I did send my father the PDF newspaper clipping regarding the PFA-ex.  I knew that it was pointless, but there is always going to be that bit of hope lingering about.  Despite my brain explaining that I will never be Daddy's little girl or princess--there is that piece that holds on and waits for the day that he does love and accept me--that he will finally see me for who I really am and not the vile demon that he has always seen covering me.  Of course, the heart has never understood logic or reason, I don't expect it to begin now.

 

At any rate, I have heard nothing in response. 

 

From the 7.18.13 District Court announcements:  "Hearings waived: The following defendants waived their rights to preliminary hearings.  Their cases will be sent to the Court of Common Pleas for further disposition.  __________ is charged with making a materially false written statement under penalty.  Bail was set at $5,000, unsecured."

 

I figure the absence of response could be one of several things:  

 

A) He is sticking to his "I refuse to discuss any of this because you are just evil, hateful, bitter and can't admit that I saved your life" retort. 

 

B) He realizes karma is swinging around and he is trying to flee her grip. 

 

C) He believes that I am the one that set the ball in motion against PFA-boy with my own case and that the clipping was in reference to me pressing charges.  Which could lead to concern that he may be the next one on the list of stuff hitting the fan. 

 

D) All of the above.

 

E) None of the above.

 

Long ago, I took the time to explain to him that lying on the forms that he did could lead to serious trouble for him.  His response was that it was okay for him to lie because it isn't necessary to wait until someone gives good reason to step in--that concerned individuals may step in at any time if they believe there is probable cause. 

 

That must be why the following is listed on the eight-page document that he signed his name to in three different places...

 

"IMPORTANT NOTICE: ANY PERSON WHO PROVIDES ANY FALSE INFORMATION ON PURPOSE WHEN HE COMPLETES THIS FORM MAY BE SUBJECT TO CRIMINAL PROSECUTION AND MAY FACE CRIMINAL PENALTIES INCLUDING CONVICTION OF A MISDEMEANOR."

 

I don't think my father realizes that I am aware the PFA was broken several times due to their actions; that I could have sued the holy pants off of him; or that I knew my rights and have a copy of the form he filled out against me.  It is all still chalked up to me being "too far gone" to have a clue of what happened and is all just part of my "crazed delusions."  

 

It's funny how the other individuals involved in my life, at that time, share in the crazed delusions and remember it, as well or that there are documents that suggest he continues to lie about the incident.  I suppose if I ever busted these documents out in his presence, he would probably argue that they are also figments of my imagination.  It also helps that all phone calls, incidents, and messages were wrote down as the conversations occurred and that I had a notebook in which everything was recorded, dated and noted where the information originally came from. 

 

At the time, I seriously considered a lawsuit and I knew that information would eventually be necessary.  It is now kept tucked away; along with the newspaper clippings, transcripts of parole hearings and other details regarding my mother's murder.  Some pieces of our past are better left in boxes where they are not accidentally stumbled upon due to the pain attached.  I was forced to dig up this piece of history, last week, when a friend needed information regarding "the fine print" contained within a PFA.  Like the sore tooth our tongue insists on poking, I leafed through the rest of the information.  Like a toothache, I was reminded that it still hurts.

 

My father can continue to deny the events that occurred.  He can continue to tell me that I have simply "blocked out a great deal of what really occurred and somehow came to believe things that did not occur had occurred."  He can continue with whatever it is that makes him feel like the hero.  I have a box of documents that indicate the events did occur.  I have other people that remember his statements and actions, as well. 

 

The clipping from the 7.18.13 newspaper is now in the box because it is a piece of this story, too.  My father took his side.  He insisted upon his innocence and stated that I was simply trying to cause problems for the poor guy.  His silence?  Well, I may never know his thoughts.  In all honesty, I am probably better off not knowing.  Why I ignore the repeated lesson that communication with my father leads to hurt, breakdowns and a destruction of positive self-regard is beyond me.  Damn heart.

 

For me, the clipping is confirmation as to what I tried explaining to my family then and since--"he isn't the golden boy you believe him to be."  Either way, they chose him and showed me and told me how they have always felt about me.  I know they don't understand why I have walked away, why I choose to avoid them.  When one learns that their own family thinks such horrible things about them and refuses to help them during one of their greatest times of need?  When the same family casts you out and chooses to wrap their arms lovingly around the one hurting you and calls you the villain?  When years later they still to choose to defend their stance as opposed to admitting that they may have been wrong?  No, this isn't me being bitter and hateful.  This is me walking away from the pain and future hurts that are inevitable.  This is me knowing that I don't deserve such treatment and that I am worth more than that.  This is self-preservation.  Huge difference.

Just Another Player

I have a friend that is a psychic.  At some point after the incident with my father, the PFA and the police, I had her complete a reading for me.  It was actually her suggestion that I begin this blog as a method of moving on, healing, and removing the "boulders" from the "fertile ground of my life" as opposed to trying to bury them and having them continuously resurface.  She was also the one that suggested that this blog may actually be used as an example for others in moving beyond/surviving domestic violence.  Her thoughts were that if I continue to attempt to bury these boulders/issues, they will continue to create mounds that prevent me from ever being able to build a happy future.  So move the boulders, I do.

 

Most interesting to me was that she told me the events that transpired were not actually my lesson to learn.  I was primarily a pawn in someone else's life lesson.  I have wondered about that one ever since.  Perhaps it was one of the police officers' lessons regarding using excessive force on civilians? Mayhaps a reminder to one of the hospital workers that their own family issues weren't truly worth being angry about and that it was time to forgive their own family?  Perhaps a lesson to one of the individuals that ignored the proper procedures during the crisis steps and spent a significant chunk of time worrying about the lawsuits that could follow? 

 

Was it a lesson to one of my family members?  My brother?  My father?  A lesson that they may not even realize until years from now?  Maybe it was a lesson for the PFA-ex or one of his family members?  Who is to know?  Perhaps it was a lesson to many?

 

How do the events in our lives shape and touch others?  Maybe it isn't always karma or life giving us a hard time.  Maybe sometimes we are just are a major part of the script in what becomes a landmark event/lesson for someone else?  As Shakespeare stated "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."

Now I am just waiting for life to teach the lesson, through me, that winning the lottery and becoming a hermit is the best thing that can happen to some folks...

Interventions?

Admittedly, I am still having issues with the friendship that ended in April.  Every time I get close to letting it go and reaching back out to her, some snarkiness rears its head and reminds me of why I walked away in the first place.  I guess maybe this is the universe intervening and gently encouraging me to let her go.

Lyrical Rearrangement

"I look around, my room is filled with candles
Each one a story but they end the same
I'll hide away in here, the law will never find me
The walls will tell the story of my pain"

"No final outcome here
Only pain and fear
It's followed us both all our lives
There's one thing left to see
Will it be him or me?
There's one more candle left to light"

"Sweet lady of pain
Always alone
Blind, you search for the truth
I see myself in you, parallel lives
Winding at light-speed through time"

"There's no direction to my stare
No more flame burning in my heart anymore
Quiet, I keep it to myself
Until the sun sets slowly
I hear your voice in the evening rain calling
Nothing will keep us apart
No more lies and fear
There's no end to our story"

 "No chance for contact
There's no raison d'etre
My only hope is one day I'll forget
The pain of knowing what can never be
With or without love, it's all the same to me"

"Empty room, today
And here I sit
Chalk outline upon the wall
I remember tracing it
A thousand times, the night she died.
Why? (Why?)
There's no sleep today, I can't pretend
When all my dreams are crimes
I can't stand facing them
Now who will come
To wash away my sins?"

"All alone now
Except for the memories
Of what we had and what we knew
Every time I try to leave it behind me
I see something that reminds me of you"

"How many times must I live this tragedy
How many more lies will they tell me
All I want is the same as everyone
Why am I here, and for how long?"

Just one of my favorite albums--a clip here, a verse there.  None of the above is my own--just my pieced-together, altered version--creating a slightly different story.  But it is one that she would appreciate, one that she would recognize.

 

This past June, I saw Geoff Tate and Queensryche perform Operation: Mindcrime at The Palace Theater in Greensburg, PA.  Perhaps one of the most entrancing and powerful shows that I have ever seen; it far exceeded my expectations--which were undeniably high.  Of course, it is a story that I have loved since the days when she still walked by my side.

 

 

All Queensryche lyrics from their 1988 album: "Operation: Mindcrime."