Trust

I know we aren't supposed to blame our current partners for things past partners have done, but how do we freely give trust and of ourselves when so many have crushed and manipulated us in the past? I really could use an answer here.

For six years, I lived with one who hit me on a regular basis. He also had difficulties with being faithful. He would simply leave out little details--"Oh just the guys and I tonight, I know you have lots of schoolwork, so I'll catch up with you later. Love you." Later, I would find out that he omitted one simple piece of the equation--the other flavor of the week. Sometimes he wouldn't come home for days. Sometimes he would call and there would be giggling in the background. Sometimes he would have scratches on his back and other odd places--"Oh, those must be from when Bill got his Jeep stuck." It wasn't that I was stupid. It wasn't that I didn't know he cheated on a regular basis. I didn't have proof and he denied cheating.

My two year fellow, that ended with a three year PFA, was even worse. He would blatantly flirt with any other female in our presence and cut me down the entire time. That was my fault; I should have never tolerated such treatment. But he was flirtatious by nature and I tried to get used to it, much as it hurt. And with that alone, maybe I could have eventually adapted. What stung the most was the ex-girlfriend that he claimed was still "just a good friend." He even persuaded me to befriend her since she was such an important part of his life and "such a good person." Good people don't befriend the new girlfriend while still sleeping with the boyfriend they cast away--or do they? I don't know anymore. That entire relationship was a web of lies. But again, he denied cheating and convinced me that I was paranoid.

Not that they were the only ones that cheated. Many of my relationships ended because of such. Often, the "other woman" was one of my friends. So I guess there is a double slam there and extra added trust issues, but it is reality, is it not? I know we all have our battle wounds here. So again, I ask, how do we freely give our trust? Especially when we started out trusting the others and ignored the little voice telling us that something wasn't right? How do we trust when the little voice is no longer intuition but just lingering residue of badness?

Emotional scars are the worst, in my opinion. It seems they never truly heal. Perhaps that is because the new people in life, more often than not, not only tear open the old wound but add their own fancy design to the work. I want to trust. I want to relax and not make myself crazy. But it is so much easier said than done. The fortress around my heart still exists, no matter how much I try to melt it. I don't believe this one would hurt me, but I didn't believe it of the others either...