This was a powerful read for me. The one that really got me: "I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain..." That may best sum it all up, in my eyes.
I never really thought about how (or why) he knew which buttons to push, how to hurt me the most--when in reality, there was a running mental tab all along. By the end of that two year reign, he could lay it all out and collapse me to my knees. It is mind-boggling when you stop to think that the pain is intentional and meant to crush your soul. I do see that now; at the time, I simply could not comprehend such intentional cruelty.
My dad always tried to do it, too--his big one was hurting me with my mom--finally, I reached a point where I was able to calmly say : "I am sorry you feel that way about her" and ignore his jabs--leading him to red-faced, eye bulging rage that he could not illicit a response from me. His anger that I refused to be baited...
I never really thought about how (or why) he knew which buttons to push, how to hurt me the most--when in reality, there was a running mental tab all along. By the end of that two year reign, he could lay it all out and collapse me to my knees. It is mind-boggling when you stop to think that the pain is intentional and meant to crush your soul. I do see that now; at the time, I simply could not comprehend such intentional cruelty.
My dad always tried to do it, too--his big one was hurting me with my mom--finally, I reached a point where I was able to calmly say : "I am sorry you feel that way about her" and ignore his jabs--leading him to red-faced, eye bulging rage that he could not illicit a response from me. His anger that I refused to be baited...
The PFA-ex went to great lengths to tell me how he went to my mom's grave, talked to her, prayed, and knew that she wanted us to stay together--that she wanted me to go back to him. What a bunch of B.S. In all of the time that we were together, he refused to ever even get out of the vehicle and support me through the moments at her graveside--he was always a complete bastard on those days. But at the time it was a knife twist. And he knew it...
It is truly a despicable human that would intentionally cut you with the blade of grief for their own gain and manipulation. It is truly a despicable human that would intentionally cut you with ANY blade for their own gain and manipulation. I am sorry that others have lived through it, too, There is a definite beauty is knowing that I am now free and they can never touch me again...
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