Another Birthday Passes

Today, my mom would have been 69.  I can't picture her aging.  I have currently outlived her by three years now, myself.  My biggest question is who would she be now?  I like to imagine her making a comfortable living as an artist and having a little cottage near a beach in California.  Maybe Malibu.  Maybe in northern CA.

I picture the gardens, the flowers, the white picket fence she always wanted.  I picture a home filled with warmth, friends, and tea.  I see us traveling together, exploring the world--still my best friend, still with a sense of adventure, still with a desire to meet new people and to learn everything about them.  I picture her enjoying her grandchildren and teaching them to bake, to paint, to dance.

I picture her with cats on her lap, as she reads all of the books that she has missed over these past 26 years.  I picture her being amazed by what she can do with the internet and getting lost in the magic.  I imagine hearing her voice on the phone and being able to tell her that I love her.  I picture visiting her and feeling that sense of home that you only have when with your mother.  I picture her happy, something she struggled so hard to find here.

 

Yet, no matter how hard I try, even with these images in my head--she is still only 42--I simply can't imagine beyond that.  I am okay with this, though.  This was the first time that I was able to picture a happier vision.  Generally it is always linked to her murder, the pain attached, and the grief of missing her.  I am hoping to retain this vision, to heal, and to be able to smell the flowers and the sea when thinking of her on these days...