One of my coworkers has a wonderful expression that she uses when parents become unruly, disruptive, or unintentionally increase the issues in their child's therapy session when their own issues are becoming the unintended focus: "You're leaking". What she means by this is that the parent's anger, frustrations, or own demons are coming out while their child's session is losing focus. For example, suppose a child is struggling with not doing their homework and this is now leading to low grades... "If your father would just step up to the plate and quit expecting me to manage everything"... This would be a topic better addressed in the mother's own therapy or marriage counseling; it is not helpful during the child's session, and it places the child in the middle of the parents' issues--where they do not belong. Suppose a child is getting bullied at school and no longer wishes to attend school, leading to fights each morning: "This would have never happened if your mother hadn't fled and left me to raise you on your own"... Again, this only serves to make the child feel bad, it does not address the current issues; in short, the parent's struggles are leaking into other areas that they do not belong.
We are all guilty of "leaking" from time to time. Maybe not in therapy sessions, maybe not with our children, but from time to time we all struggle with our own issues "exploding" and "leaking" all over the place. Maybe it is job stress that we bring home. Maybe we are struggling with an anniversary that hurts us and we find ourselves irritable and lashing out at others without even realizing it. These can all be forms of leaking. Sometimes being aware that we are leaking can help lead to resolution.
Personally, January is one of my challenging months and quite honestly, I have been leaking like a sieve. I feel as though I may break, Hulk Out, or just collapse at any moment and this has been going on for weeks. There are several big underlying factors that are coloring absolutely everything in my life and to suggest otherwise would be an absolute lie:
#1: My best friend is fighting cancer and I am 2500+ miles away. I can't even put this into words. I can't talk about it. I can't even write about it yet. All I do is cry. And cry. And cry. I just want to be there with her. I want to be in the waiting room. I want to drive her to and from her appointments. I want to be able to get lunch, coffee, go for a walk together. I just want more than anything to be there. And I can't.
#2: The anniversary of my mother's murder. While it sucks each year, this year was the 25th anniversary. I had been up all night sick the night before, had an early morning work meeting (after one hour of sleep--which never helps matters), and that meeting went bad. Bad as in I almost quit on the spot. Add in, as I am trying to calmly sit and remind myself that I need my job and trying to regain my composure, a coworker is talking about how awful her mother is and well... I started leaking. I had several meltdowns regarding the changes in rules and policies, I couldn't fix my paperwork because I was fighting back tears, and I was on the verge of absolute meltdown. I won't go into too much more here, since I wrote about a bit of it in my The 25th Anniversary blog post, but it was a rough one.
#3: My dad's birthday and the shit it dredges up. His birthday (and Father's Day) bring up awful in me--sadness, anger, just a whole lot of emotional vomit. Last year, I got the bright idea that I would at least wish him a happy birthday through Facebook, because apparently I am always the damn fool extending an olive branch that he is just going to strip, beat me with, and then grind into sawdust. But no worries, you can't send folks messages if they have you blocked. So yes, this year, while I had no desire to wish him a happy anything, it was a firm reminder that no matter what words he puts out there, his actions are still 1000x louder and that isn't likely to change in this lifetime.
The people that you block on Facebook are the ones that you wish you could make vanish as easily from real life, as well. Facebook blocking is for those that you want absolutely nothing to do with in any fashion. So for all of the fancy talk he does with the rest of the family (he loves me, but I refuse to have a relationship with him--he keeps trying, but I'm the problem, etc), he and I both know it is just lip service. I am sure if asked, he would probably say that he doesn't even know how to block people on Facebook--I could almost believe this as well, if we were not sitting where we are.
Correct me if I am wrong, but do you block people on Facebook that you want in your life and are trying to build a relationship with? Yeah, I didn't think so. To me it just feels like more of the crazy-making in the works, "Oh poor, poor me. I love my daughter so much and I try and try, but she's crazy, you know..." And yes, these things do drive me batty. All of my life it has been this way--he plays Mr. Wonderful Dad for the world, yet is a completely different person one-on-one. I get tired of playing a part in it. I get tired of the fact that it all still hurts. I want to let it all go, but can't.
#4: My physical health. It is scaring me. But I have no insurance, no doctor, a serious lack of funds, and no idea where I would even start anyhow. So we kick back, try to deal with it and hope it eventually all gets better on its own. In the meantime, I think more and more about my ducks and how to get them all in a row, just in case...
#5: Life's other little straws. Work (not enough billable hours, yet so many unpaid hours; families not understanding that we aren't given a magic wand to fix their children; demands that I struggle with understanding; feeling unheard, powerless, a meaningless cog only useful in bringing about financial gains for those above me; etc). I miss my nephews like crazy but am, again, powerless. A close friend had another stroke the Monday before Christmas and I am worried sick. Recent trust violations, being taken advantage of, and feeling powerless to speak up for myself due to the nature of the situation (this has led to anger and some self-defeating thoughts due to my own lack of assertiveness). Financial challenges. Ah, all of those irritability increasing icing on the cake factors.
We all have a list; throw any of these things into a negative situation and sometimes the result is low-tolerance and leakage. Just sharing because the good news is, if we know what our leakage is and where it is coming from, like anything else in life, it is easier to fix. I have been looking at and examining this leakage for weeks. Now I just need to figure out how to fix it. I think first on my agenda is a plane ticket, a few weeks with my best friend, and healing together as much as we can... I need her just as much as she needs me, right now.
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