What Manipulators Do

So, tonight, I received a private message from a friend's ex-husband that didn't like what I posted on her Facebook page.  She had posted the following:

"I'm working on these three phases that were told to me on a daily basis:"
1. "It's all your fault."
2. "If you would only..."
3. "You have a demon in you... (meaning an actual demon from hell...)"

I responded to her post with my own list:

"Remember: 1. Manipulator. 2. Not a nice person. 3. Was out for what he could take from you. 4. If you are the bad person, he still looks good. 5. He is unstable. 6. Where did he get his exorcist license? 7. You are a good person. 8. How did he do as husband, provider and partner? 9. Should I keep going? 10. Because he's the crazy. Not you."

The private message I received from him appeared to be a lengthy breakdown contradicting each of the three phrases that she posted, why these things that she stated were true or untrue (the demonic possession seemed true to him, BTW) and followed with a question about each item that I posted in return, and also demanding that I explain myself.   Admittedly, I didn't bother reading everything that he wrote.  I started to, but it went against my "avoiding negative people" policy and I simply skimmed it, contemplated a response and instead chose to block him on Facebook.  Maybe this was rude of me, I am not really sure.  Clearly, he did put a lot of time and thought into his message to me.  Perhaps I should have at least taken the time to see what he had to say?  Maybe he touched a nerve of mine and that is why I felt the need to ignore the message and just block him?

First off, why would I care what his opinion of my friend is?  Will his opinions change my mind about her?  No.  I know what he has put her through.  There is nothing that can redeem him in my mind.  Additionally, I am not willing to negotiate on how I feel about her or how I think of her, so why waste either of our time with responding?  I do not desire the effort or time wasted on such endeavors.  He ended with "Take Care."  I contemplated a simple "You take care, too--I will be praying for you." But the minute that I choose to acknowledge his message with a response, I begin the process of opening doors, I invite him in--no matter how nice I play, no matter how little I say.

Does he feel that my responses to her post were inappropriate? Probably.  Do I care?  Not overly.  Why should I care what his opinion is of me?   A more pressing question, why on Earth does he care what I think of him?  Why does he feel the need to explain himself to me?  Because this is what abusers/manipulators do--they isolate.  If he can convince me that his points are valid, if he casts even a slight shadow of doubt, he will further isolate her.  He will be able to convince her that I, too, am on his side and she will lose one more ally.    It isn't about clearing his name.  It isn't about setting the record straight.  It is about further breaking her.  Nope.  I know this game.

Secondly, what is he doing trolling her Facebook page when he is no longer one of her Facebook friends?  This to me suggests some glaring issues.  She had mentioned other places that he was creepy, stalkerish--including attempting to turn her neighbors against her.  As I blocked him, I noticed that he had another woman in his profile picture.  She is most likely the one listed as being in a relationship with him.  I wonder how she feels knowing that he is so obsessed with his ex-wife.  I bet she doesn't even know the half of it.  Maybe she doesn't know any of it.  I am sure he has his sob story that she bought--the one about his evil ex and how broken he is because of her.

Nope.  I know that game, too.  So many of his games sound like what I was up against when I left the one that I eventually had to obtain a PFA against.  And I guess, ultimately, that is why I avoided any response back to him and just went straight into Facebook block mode.  The simple question that came to my mind was: "Go back to 2010.  How do you wish your friends and family would have responded?  What may have made a difference and kept them in your life, today?"  The answers are so simple...

They wouldn't have debated my relationship with him--with him, for any reason.  Why did he go to all of them with his sob story of how he just loved me and wanted to be there for me, but I wouldn't let him?  I was crazy; he wouldn't do those things that I had told them.  He was so worried about me and they should be, too... and they bought it. Hook. Line. Sinker.  Because that's what manipulators do.  Next, they doubt me.  They quit supporting me.  They feel bad for him.  He is so alone.  So they spend time with him, because they have just been played, too and I am now left further alone, isolated and doubting my relationships with them.  Nope.  Not willing to do that to anyone else, for any reason.  Especially not to a friend that I love and care about.

I wish that they would have stuck up for me.  I wish that they would have believed me. I wish that they would have been there to support me, when I felt like my world was shattering.  I loved them, but that didn't guarantee that they loved me enough in return to be there unconditionally.  Some of them played into the game and said horrible things about me, as well.  Some of them betrayed me on levels that I never saw coming or could have even prepared for.  But they are no longer in my life, either and this is its own blessing.

Granted, I only had a Facebook message to deal with.  Blocking him was pretty simple.  My ex showed up at the doors of my family, friends and loved ones--in tears, because of what I was doing to him.  I suppose that is much different and I am not sure that I could have turned away her ex-husband had that been the situation, either (thank goodness, he lives on the other side of the country).  I am sure that he would have played upon my compassion for him as a fellow human and would have in some manner added to the confusion.  Would I have said things that he could have twisted and used to hurt her?  I am sure that he would have found a way.  Because that is what manipulators do.
 
Oddly, his message to me included this gem: "But it's time to move on and stop going back to the vomit of our past.  If you could encourage her to keep moving forward, I know it would help ALL the relationships involved."  But who is stuck in the past here?  Who is creeping on her page worrying about what she says or does?  My friend simply expressed that she was having difficulty with PTS and removing the harmful things that had been said to her.  That suggests moving on and attempting to let go--part of letting go is processing and making sense of the pain. Nothing she posted was directly derogatory toward him (that was me, that did that).  Yet here he is, coming across 2000 miles to shoot me a message letting me know how wrong I am.  Confirmation: Manipulator, abuser, unstable.  Nope.  I know this game and am truly not interested...

Worth Sharing...

"No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?"

This one really hit home, for me...   He Never Hit Me  (Warning: This post contains descriptions of intimate partner abuse and may be triggering to some.)

Thought For the Day

"Behind every exquisite thing that existed, 

there was something tragic." 

~Oscar Wilde~

So many times in life...

She could hear every word he said through the open window so she started typing
Just a short letter worth sharing...

Thought for the Day

"You must love in such a way 
that the person you love feels free." 

~Thich Nhat Hanh~

The Joys of Dating the Typical Con Artist

Rather interesting blog post: You Think That You Are So Special... that explores how it feels when first entering a relationship with someone that later becomes abusive.  The lies that you swallow, the faith that permits you to push aside the red flags, and how it slowly switches from having found your soulmate and the most wonderful person on Earth to your own private, inescapable Hell.

 

I am going to condense it down and give the highlights for those not interested in reading the full blog post.  It is lengthy, but worth reading if you have been a victim or want to better understand what friends have gone through.  This is definitely one of those situations that until you have been in those shoes, you really have no clue...

 

I watched my mom live through this with the man that eventually murdered her.  I secretly hated her for choosing him, for staying with him and not leaving the situation even after it became her own personal Hell.  I berated myself for not being able to save her.  I carried the guilt for many years that I wasn't enough support to help her leave him.  It wasn't until I ended up in my own abusive relationship for six years that I truly began to understand.  You want to forgive your partner and believe them that the abuse will never happen again  You want to be there for them and help them.  You know that they are damaged, but you still love that good side, the fun side.  It wasn't until after being with the PFA-ex that I truly understood the manipulation, the lies, the pitch that such con artists feed their victims. 

 

"The con artist thus poses as a trustworthy person seeking another trustworthy person."  They seem so honest, so sincere--it isn't until you are fully tangled and trapped in their web that you start to see the lies.  But even then, you aren't totally sure, even then--they make you believe that you are the problem and it is your approaches that lead to their actions (be it their lies, their cheating, or their violence and abuse).  They are NEVER accountable for any of their own actions and also have the lovely ability of convincing everyone in YOUR life, that you are indeed the problem.  It isn't until a significant amount of time (and healing) away from them that you begin to realize that the entire relationship was based on lies--none of it was real--the person that you thought you knew was entirely fabricated based upon what they knew you desired and were seeking.  By the time this discovery is made--chances are, you have lost everything--your home, your possessions, your career, your friends, your family, and ultimately, faith in yourself.

 

And so, moving on, some snippets from the blog post shared above:

 

"You have more things in common, similar personalities.  He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he?"  "And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it?  It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself.   All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did.  Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner.  He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable.  He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns."

 

"He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate.  He's so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things.  He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in?"  "His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU."

 

"He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU."  "He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU.  NO.  He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations." "Withholding information isn't the same as LYING or anything. That's not dishonest, right?" "Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right?" 

 

"He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU.  He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU.  He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU.  He won't expect you to read his mind.  He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems.  He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN)." 

 

Yes, yes, yes and yes. 

 

I believed for so long that not only had I found my life partner, but we had so much in common that it was almost like finding a twin that had been separated from me, all of my life.  It was like, for the first time ever, finding someone that understood me completely, supported me and truly loved me.  Not to mention that we had EVERYTHING in common, from bipolar mothers and fathers that emotionally destroyed us to common interests that I had never found in anyone else.  He was the one.  I was sure of it and would have eloped and married him, at any point during that first year.  I don't believe in marriage, never had--but he was worth it--I just knew it.

 

I should have known that not all of my friends were coming on to him the way that he suggested.  But if I was that taken by him, why should I be surprised that they were, too?  And how many times had I already been hurt when my "friends" slept with guys that I was interested in?  Over and over, all of my life.  It wasn't that difficult for me to believe.  He knew that was a place that I was wounded, plus he was scoring by further damaging my relationships.  Isolation of the victim is the abuser's best friend.  And of course, he flirted with EVERYONE, ALL OF THE TIME--but no one is perfect, right?  I had to trade the perfection in other areas for a few faults, right?  It wasn't just my friends.  It was every women we encountered in daily life: waitresses, friend's friends, his friend's and even his family's wives and girlfriends.  And the other women in his life?  They were just dear friends "in bad places that needed his support."  I trusted him when he said it was just my past damage from having unfaithful partners that led me to struggle with trusting him.  It didn't matter that he cheated on EVERY SINGLE PARTNER he had ever had.  I was different.  He loved me like he hadn't loved them.  I wanted to believe him.  He was so convincing.  I swallowed it all.  THAT is the power of the manipulator and even then, I still couldn't see it. 

 

In addition to my friends, he used my own family against me.  When I wouldn't come back willingly, he convinced them that I had secret drug issues, that I was starving myself, that he was only looking out for my best interests by reaching out to them.  That he was "concerned for me" and just loved me and was trying to "save me."  Couldn't they please convince me to take him back?  Look at his tears and how much I was putting him through--weren't they angry that I would hurt such a sweet and loving man?  He effectively pushed them out of my life, leaving me with no support--no one to challenge him. 

 

And there you have a good chunk of my situation.  And also, why I still don't have my family, four years later.  They still hold tightly to the belief "But he was such a nice guy and you were so happy."   "But you changed so much after you broke up with him; you shouldn't have been so happy when the relationship ended."  Surely being glad to be free of the abuse is no reason to be happy; of course I lost weight when I was with him because "I was so happy"--not because I was extremely depressed, being emotionally abused, or that my weight was used against me, daily--nope, must be drugs.  He was too wonderful for there to be any other answer.  They swallowed it all.  THAT is the power of the manipulator and even now, they still can't see it.

 

Now, I look back and can see it all so clearly.  The infidelities, the lies, the tricks.  The surest way to know he was lying to you?  When he swore upon his father's grave and looked you dead in the eye.  And why that should be surprising is beyond me--what difference did it make to him?  All that mattered was that you believed him, that trust and faith was restored and that the cycle would be able to begin again.  His claws were still firmly embedded.  You were still controllable.

 

Yes, in the beginning, I truly believed that I had met a man that I would be willing to marry and settle down with.  In that first year, I absolutely would have.  I was willing to have children with him.  I gave up my world for him.  And I nearly lost myself, along with my former life.  And yes, I was happy, mostly, that first year.  It was undeniably magical.  There were tons of red flags, sure--but no one is perfect and he had they ability to spoon feed the lies and half-truths so that you were left feeling like the ass for ever having doubted him, in the first place. 

 

It is such a nightmare getting hooked in with these individuals--even harder to get away from them when it ends.  They know the strings to pull; they know how to use fear, pity, empathy and sympathy in the exact correct doses to keep you trapped.  They make sure that they are your world, your only world.  Friends and family can't be trusted--he has no idea why they would want to hurt you the way that they do or why they would want to ruin "the once-in-a lifetime love that we have found."  "They are just jealous and want him for themselves."  But he promises, he will never hurt you like that.  He loves you.  He will always be there for you.  You are his soulmate.  If you just come back now, he promises, he will not hold it against you that you tried to leave.

 

It is even sadder to know that there are plenty more, slightly altered versions of him out there.  I hate knowing that not everyone escapes, that some will spend the rest of their lives living with that torment.  That some fall so far into the web that they believe the lies and accept the abuse.  That many will lose their lives at the hands of their abusers.  I am grateful to have escaped.  I am grateful that it has been almost four years since the PFA was granted and that he was forced to leave alone and permit me to move on.  But I still carry many wounds, many scars and many of the pieces of my life lost, can never be regained. 

Self-Doubt

“I don't believe anyone ever suspects how completely unsure I am of my work and myself and what tortures of self-doubting the doubt of others has always given me.”  ~Tennessee Williams~