Sharing a response that was made to a friend that has been hurt repeatedly by her family:
Family sometimes consists of the people that we love, collect and decide are worth keeping in our lives. If those related to us cause us pain, they aren't worth keeping. Just because they are "family" doesn't make them good people or mean that we are obligated to keep them in our lives. If they are toxic to us, it is better to walk away and never look back. It hurts, but it also heals in the long run.
Sometimes our families hurt us more than anyone else--they are supposed to support us, stand by us and help us through hard times--sometimes, though, they are the creators of our hardest times. I have found that there are many of us out there that feel alienated from our families and at times, that pain can truly be overwhelming.
Holidays, birthdays, times that people traditionally gather with their families can be the most difficult. I have collected those friends and we have created our own holiday celebrations to help ease the pain. Zombie Christmas was perhaps one of my favorite "nontraditional" experiences. We cooked a turkey and celebrated by watching George Romero films. I also have several "adopted" families that I share holidays with. Too often, it is easy to sit home on those days and tell ourselves that we don't care, that we don't need them, that it doesn't hurt--but it does. Sometimes the best way to prevent that pain is getting out and being around others. Laughter and creating good memories are fantastic ways to move past the pain of having a hurtful family.
I think the best way it was explained to me, years ago, was this:
"Your father is a man. He is human. Giving him the title of Father doesn't make him any more special than a stranger you pass on the street. It doesn't make him right and it doesn't give him the power to dictate your life. Would you grant that power to just anyone? Should you grant that power to ANYONE? You must base your self-esteem on your own worth--not what he believes or thinks of you--don't give him that power. And honestly, if I were you, I would put that power in the hands of a stranger before letting your father influence any more of your thoughts about who you are."
They were right. My father doesn't know me. He has never known me. He has never taken the time to discover who I am and has no interest in seeing the good in me. For so many years, I tried to stand out in his eyes--tried to please him--tried to make him proud of me. Sadly, it didn't work and the things that I did to please him lost their value in my eyes, too. A 4.0 in graduate school? First person in my family to even attempt college? Still invisible in his eyes. Compliance supervisor and third in command at the agency I worked for? He can't even tell you what field I have been in for the past twelve years. I allowed his disinterest to affect my own feelings of self-worth. Accomplishments that I should have been proud of no longer meant anything to me either.
How often do we do this to ourselves? Allowing someone else to determine our self-worth is a painful way to live life. Recognizing our own value and being proud of ourselves is the first step to healthy self-esteem and a happier life. Whether it is a family member or our entire family that causes us pain, once we recognize this is occurring we need to step back and re-evaluate our lives. If your family hurts you, causes you pain or destroys your feelings of self-worth it IS acceptable to remove yourself. Self-preservation is essential in life and removing negative influences is a key piece in leading a happy life. Don't allow others to decide who you are. Decide for yourself.
Family sometimes consists of the people that we love, collect and decide are worth keeping in our lives. If those related to us cause us pain, they aren't worth keeping. Just because they are "family" doesn't make them good people or mean that we are obligated to keep them in our lives. If they are toxic to us, it is better to walk away and never look back. It hurts, but it also heals in the long run.
Sometimes our families hurt us more than anyone else--they are supposed to support us, stand by us and help us through hard times--sometimes, though, they are the creators of our hardest times. I have found that there are many of us out there that feel alienated from our families and at times, that pain can truly be overwhelming.
Holidays, birthdays, times that people traditionally gather with their families can be the most difficult. I have collected those friends and we have created our own holiday celebrations to help ease the pain. Zombie Christmas was perhaps one of my favorite "nontraditional" experiences. We cooked a turkey and celebrated by watching George Romero films. I also have several "adopted" families that I share holidays with. Too often, it is easy to sit home on those days and tell ourselves that we don't care, that we don't need them, that it doesn't hurt--but it does. Sometimes the best way to prevent that pain is getting out and being around others. Laughter and creating good memories are fantastic ways to move past the pain of having a hurtful family.
I think the best way it was explained to me, years ago, was this:
"Your father is a man. He is human. Giving him the title of Father doesn't make him any more special than a stranger you pass on the street. It doesn't make him right and it doesn't give him the power to dictate your life. Would you grant that power to just anyone? Should you grant that power to ANYONE? You must base your self-esteem on your own worth--not what he believes or thinks of you--don't give him that power. And honestly, if I were you, I would put that power in the hands of a stranger before letting your father influence any more of your thoughts about who you are."
They were right. My father doesn't know me. He has never known me. He has never taken the time to discover who I am and has no interest in seeing the good in me. For so many years, I tried to stand out in his eyes--tried to please him--tried to make him proud of me. Sadly, it didn't work and the things that I did to please him lost their value in my eyes, too. A 4.0 in graduate school? First person in my family to even attempt college? Still invisible in his eyes. Compliance supervisor and third in command at the agency I worked for? He can't even tell you what field I have been in for the past twelve years. I allowed his disinterest to affect my own feelings of self-worth. Accomplishments that I should have been proud of no longer meant anything to me either.
How often do we do this to ourselves? Allowing someone else to determine our self-worth is a painful way to live life. Recognizing our own value and being proud of ourselves is the first step to healthy self-esteem and a happier life. Whether it is a family member or our entire family that causes us pain, once we recognize this is occurring we need to step back and re-evaluate our lives. If your family hurts you, causes you pain or destroys your feelings of self-worth it IS acceptable to remove yourself. Self-preservation is essential in life and removing negative influences is a key piece in leading a happy life. Don't allow others to decide who you are. Decide for yourself.
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