Guess it has been a while since I have posted. Many drafts have been saved, but none have made it into the cyberworld--many reasons for this; but alas, I shall not bore you with the details...
Overall, January has been an absolute bear. December faded out with a quiet that chilled to the bone; January followed with a silence that pierced and froze the soul.
My nephews returned to my life the last week of December. It was the first that I had had any communication with them since Thanksgiving of 2010; a week was not near enough time and waiting another year seems a million lifetimes from now. It is so difficult to not see them regularly...
Tonight, my brother left. I know that this is the next chapter for him and a good one about to begin, but it is still difficult to watch him go. I am grateful that amends were made and that we are close again, but it does make this harder. He's been living here the past seven or so months and I have gotten pretty used to him being here. I guess I worry that the promises to keep in touch will eventually fade and as with my other brother, contact every five years will become the norm.
January 10th marked 19 years since my mother was murdered. Half a lifetime with her and now half a life without. I try to remember her voice, her laugh--they are gone now. I know at some point, I need to begin a journal of memories--for my brothers, for my nephews, for my niece, for me. The memories slip away, even though I never believed that could happen.
My father's birthday is days away. Funny how that plays on my mind and has become a day of sorrow in itself. I still have gifts for him (and his wife) from years ago--tucked in the back of a closet. Disadvantage of shopping ahead, I guess. I received a Christmas card from him this year (one of those many drafts that remains unposted) and am sorry to see that he still doesn't get it. If I ever let him back into my life, I am aware that I must accept that he is not capable of understanding me and that he will never see me for who I am. As of yet, I am not ready to bow. Stubborn, maybe. Hurt many times, yes. How many more times can I bear?
Troublesome also and leading to many tears this week is a local murder trial that began this past Monday (1/17). A husband and wife murdered in April 2010. Hits home on many levels. The day they were murdered was the day that my father came and harassed me. When I went to their funeral later that week, my father had one of his friends follow me and harass me through the funeral--sounds crazy, yes--but this man didn't even know the couple--at any rate, it is a tale for another day...
This murdered couple left behind four adult sons and several grandchildren. Not only were they dealing with the shock and horror of having both of their parents murdered, they were also suspected of having committed the murders and forced through police interrogation. I remember what I went through with having my mother murdered, but I also had some small blessing in knowing who did it and that they were in police custody. What this family went through, I can not even fathom. As the trial is occurring, I know the grief of being forced to relive all of the details--how impossible moving forward and healing are when you forced to repeat it, over and over again.
The son that found them was a friend of mine for many years. I can't even begin to imagine. What he saw, what he has lived through, and what he is going through with this trial. I spend each evening praying that he remains strong, praying that he is alright, praying that he has the support needed to survive the trial and the events ahead. I give him a silent hug each night in my mind and feel my own tears flow for him and his family. It is a horror I know a bit about, a grief I have tasted on my own level, a nightmare that one never awakens from. My hope is that he finds the support my brothers and I lacked through our own nightmare--hope that he survives--hope that he heals and is able to find his own peace.
I think sometimes we forget how short life truly is. How quickly a day can change your entire life and rock your faith in humanity. Sometimes we see our own struggles and forget that there are others going through trials beyond our imagination. Life is a strange, quickly fleeting ride and we never truly know when or where that ride is going to end. But mostly, life is the blink of an eye and the flutter of a butterfly's wings. Grasp the good times, cling to those that bring you joy and laughter, hug the ones you love and let them know how much they mean to you. Second chances are never guaranteed. Live without regret and love with all of your heart--life is too sacred not to.
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