Resurrection

 

Those that know me well, know that I subscribe to a slightly different outlook on life than most.  One of those areas is the belief that animals are often messengers and when they show up repeatedly, you should take heed.  Peacocks (not the horrible Katy Perry song or some random subscription to Peacocks "R" Us, either) have been showing up in my life to the point that since early December, I have stated repeatedly that I needed to look up their meaning.  They have been appearing every where in my life (work, gifts, jewelry, etc) as many as two to three times daily.  I don't know about you, but peacocks are NOT a normal part of my daily life or thoughts!  So after yet another appearance today, I consulted my Ted Andrews books and discovered that peacocks are associated with wisdom and vision.  Along with the phoenix, they represent rising from the ashes of our prior life and resurrection.  Peacocks also appear with the reminder to laugh at life.

I have come a long way since the trauma associated with 2010, but it still often causes me more grief than it should.  A result of those events has been to not only hide my tears, but to hide my laughter as well--after all, laughing at life and what was being thrown at me was apparently part of the problem.  Showing emotion of any kind is frowned upon within the paternal network of my family--laughter is no different.  Happiness is frowned upon--stoic German heritage at its best.  In the opinion of my family, leaving my relationship should have led to tears and misery.  Leaving my relationship and appearing not only happy, but filled with laughter and smiles at each new found day could only mean one thing--drugs.  Meth was the first one they accused me of--many others followed after.

 

I remember hearing my father laugh one time at my Grandmother's house. It was an odd, foreign sound and a hush settled across the kitchen as everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look and see if he was okay. It was not a natural sound. Our reaction was nearly one of fear--similar to the response when someone begins choking. Everyone freezes and then wonders if that person is alright or if they need assistance.  When my father laughed, no one else joined in--glances were quietly exchanged between my cousins and myself and I think a silent shudder may have passed amongst us, also.  You think I jest; yet I remember the experience quite well.

 

2010 and my laughter led to questions regarding my sanity.  The common question was "Why does she laugh and clap?  What is wrong with her?"  Nobody in my family was happy that I wasn't grieving.  They were angry with my zest for life.  It didn't not fit in with their expectations.  It was not logical.  What they didn't seem to understand, was that the grieving phase had occurred while I was still trapped with him.  Happiness was the natural response to having been set free of him and that life--who would not find a smile and a song upon their lips?

 

Sometimes I feel that they won.  I am ever more cautious with my tears and with my laughter.  I am again nearly a robot most days--stoic as I should be.  Flat as they think I should be.  But I do not enjoy their desire of who I should be--their vision for me is not the same one  that I carry for myself. Perhaps these are the reasons peacocks keep creeping into my life... To remind me to laugh. To remind me to rise above and recreate myself from the ashes and shattered self of 2010...

 

I am again reminded of the words from one of my closest friends during Father's Day 2010 when my pain and rage were consuming me.  He explained it to me as such: "Who needs fire when you have got plenty inside?  Create and recreate.  It is what you do best.  The art of creation and destruction are but one in the same.  Just destroy with a smile on your face and don't get rid of what you truly need."  Months after that Father's Day, the same friend also provided these words: "I have never doubted the fact that our families are our worst critics. Give your brother room and time. He will remember how to see you. The heart seldom forgets. Until then, don't discount your own vision for yourself...You must continue. If anything, you must not forget your worth. You are going to be a better you. One day, they will rise to meet you on a ground unseen by them. Pity them, if it helps... but continue. You are better for it, hard as it may be. You are not alone."

 

Thoughts for the new year ahead.  Thoughts to again find the person I was before they put me on the chopping block.  Thoughts to again allow happiness, laughter and light into my life.  That has always been me--always been my path--I must resume my journey as life means for me to live it--no longer by their visions for me...