I came home tonight to find that I had been tagged in odd comments on facebook--however, the comments were all related to my father. Negative comments, of course--comments about gun control, baiting wild animals, and other issues related to law enforcement. I have had people attempt to hurt him, through me, all of my life--what a joke that has been. So now I am not sure if they think that this will get back at him or if they are too ignorant to realize that: A) my father has a different first name than I do; B) that I am not affiliated with the Game Commission; or C) a shared last name sometimes equals nothing more than a shared last name. Nearly forty years of being bullied, beat up, and more because of him being my father--yeah, it never gets old... The groovy part is, you can untag yourself from photos--but not comments. And since I am not friends with these people--I can't comment and set them straight, either. I really don't want it to go any further than it already has and I don't need additional idiots deciding that I am the one that arrested them/fined them/harassed them--whatever. Doesn't seem to be anything that I can do though, other than wait for it to blow over.
And of course, it has been hanging over my head for quite some time--today marks twenty years since my mother was murdered. Yes, twenty years. I should skip merrily through these days while throwing roses to everyone that I meet...
It's been twenty years. I should be over it. I should feel nothing. I better not cry! I better not feel sad! This late in the game, I believe even taking flowers to her gravesite earns me a visit from police, handcuffs and my own padded cell. We saw how my tears on her 60th birthday in March 2010 led to a personalized piece in my father's 302 report stating that "She cries over her dead mother." No, I won't cry. I will pretend that it is any other Thursday, of any other week. I will go to work. I will do what I do. But I will not express emotion.
I hoped maybe having a partner would make it easier this year. I tried making plans with him for Saturday. No go. He is gaming. Okay. Initially, he planned for them to meet at our house; thankfully, my friend volunteered for it to be at her house, instead. Initially, I was also a part of the gaming group. Gaming has been cancelled other times when it didn't work for other people--and I did mention that my partner is the DM, right? In other words, he controls all of that. His response? He has never really lost anyone. He doesn't know how I feel. Yet he has a Master's Degree in the same damn stuff that I do. Goes to show that a piece of paper doesn't mean jack when you are in the real world. It is all good though. I have spent the other anniversaries alone--partnered or not--why should I expect this one to be any different?
So maybe I am just having a pity party. Maybe I am whining and acting like a child. Maybe this constant hiding of my emotions is manifesting in extreme irritability. Maybe I am tired of being harassed because of who my father is. Maybe I am tired of being harassed by my father. Maybe I am hurting and feeling alone; yet again, as it always seems to be. Maybe I am tired of reaching out because no one seems to get it anyhow. But hey, not a tear has been shed as I was writing this. And this is where most of them end up--late at night, alone, tears and the continued attempts to put myself back together when most of the pieces themselves are broken...
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