I thought that I would do something nice for myself, this week, and got a full-body massage. I still suffer from a lot of physical pain--residue from past abuses--from both the police and in general. The pain causes me significant difficulties in life and one of my most problematic areas is driving. One doesn't realize the range of body motion required for driving until one is not capable of performing said motions. While the massage was mostly pleasant, at the time (only three or four major winces), by that evening, I felt as though I had been in an automobile accident--by the following day, I could barely walk and was contemplating an emergency room visit. Four days later, and I am still unable to function in a "normal" manner.
I am currently down to working fourteen hours per week. Since the 2010 incident, I still haven't returned to full-time hours. Of course, my full-time was always closer to fifty to sixty hours per week, especially with the position that I had prior to the PFA, prior to the police incident, prior to my life changing. At that time, I was also salaried, so the work week only ended when I caught up and that never seemed to happen. Today, I am overwhelmed with fourteen work hours. Part of this, as well, is due to not being sure how much longer I will be capable of driving. My current schedule allows for me to have a day of recuperation after each day of driving. Seems ridiculous? I drove Tuesday when I knew that I shouldn't. I drove today, when I knew that by doing so, I not only put myself in danger, but other drivers due to my range of motion issues.
Daily diet, every four hours, 1800 mg of Ibuprofen, alternated with 660 mg of Naproxen Sodium. I don't feel that either does much more than take a bit of the edge off. This has been my recipe for almost four years now. Monday night, I was barely able to undress myself; I cried as my fiancé took my socks off of my feet because bending over to do it myself wasn't an option. I have been fiercely independent my entire life. Facing a broken body and helplessness is almost beyond what I am capable of dealing with. Fiercely independent women deserve to be broken, though, right?
The six-year relationship of pummeling--I only ever fought back once. That led to a beating that included a concussion and the possibility of being blind in my left eye. Thankfully, when the swelling went down and my eye opened back up, I still had my sight. Generally, all that was ever required to achieve my bruises was being present. He would come home from a night of drinking and drug use--there I was, his ready-made punching bag. He would wake up the next day, as confused and mortified as I was.
My two-years of severe emotional abuse--again, I would sit, cry and take it. He complained on a daily basis that I didn't know how to fight and that was "our problem." I just learned early in life that words in return, up the ante, and eventually lead to beatings. I am not stupid. I have never spoken a word regarding many of the things that happened during that relationship because it is still too embarrassing, still too humiliating. I may be fiercely independent, but I know beaten-down; I know broken; I know scarred. Four years later, including a year and a half of intensive domestic violence counseling and I still don't know that many of the incidents will ever be shared beyond the "instant replay" that I often see in my mind. It is still that horrible to me. I still have nightmares that wake me up from a dead sleep on a regular basis. Sharing much of what happened, still isn't a possibility.
Fierce independence. It is why my father has always had issues with me. It is why he felt justified in turning two polices officers on me--pumped up on my father's tales that I was homicidal, suicidal, had aggressive pets and had not only written a letter stating that I was going kill my entire family but had also recently caused physical harm to others. It is why he has always felt a need to knock me down. Punishment. Control. These have always been the basis for any good relationship. Women like me just need to be put back in their place, that is all. When belittling and humiliation no longer work, brute force is an excellent choice. When you can't do it because you might lose your job, send someone else to do it, always an excellent choice.
And today, I feel as though they have won. How can I be independent? I don't know how much longer I will be able to drive. I am already very limited. Being unable to drive affects my ability to work and support myself. Being unable to support myself means eventual dependence. Dependence on what??? I can't rely on my family. I won't rely on the "system." What happens when they finally physically break us? Is my spirit only a matter of time? I have fought so hard to reassemble the bit of positive self-regard that I still possess. What now???
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