I don't know that anybody else gets it. Recently, at my brother's wedding, I was approached with the opener of: "I know you hate your father, but..." and I had to explain that I don't hate my father. He has primarily been a destructive force in my life; he sees me as a horrible person and is frequently bent on pointing out my real and imaginary flaws to me and everyone around me. I had been accepting of these behaviors and tolerated them throughout my life because he is my father and I wanted a relationship with him. However, after his actions leading up to, during and after the PFA hearing--he may not be a part of my life until he simply admits that he may have been wrong and that his actions were excessive (to say the least). Even a sincere "I am sorry" would let him back into my life. Would this be a wise choice, on my part? Absolutely not. But he is my father...
I don't think that my father or anyone else understands that me excluding him from my life and avoiding family functions is not some vengeful act. I am well aware that it doesn't hurt any of them by having me excluded as a part of the family. I know it hurts me most. My actions, over the past three and a half years, are not about hurting anyone, or trying to make them feel sorry or guilty--it never has been. It is simply because even though it hurts me horribly to exclude them from my life, it hurts me even more when I let them in. This is and has always been self-preservation. But I guess when they have always seen me as a monster, misunderstood me and viewed me as a sociopath--it only stands to reason that they wouldn't understand my absence any better than they understand my existence.
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