Love Doesn't Always Hurt

I guess it is only fair to mention that there are positives in my life, currently, too. I don't want this to simply become a bitchfest or a place where I spill my anger. Even though there will most likely be a bit of it here, simply because I don't know what else to do with it. I attended Domestic Violence meetings through Crossroads for over a year and I tend to choose physical activity now when my anger becomes extremely overwhelming--but writing is still one of my favorite vents. And truthfully, I am still pretty angry about many of the events over the past few years. I don't wish to become bitter and resentful, so I need to get through these issues, in order to get passed them.

Anyhoo, back to sharing a bit of the positive. I have been in a relationship now for a while that I am fairly certain could be considered healthy. I can't say for absolute sure simply because I have witnessed very few (if any) healthy relationships and I have had very few myself and they were very, very long ago. Not sure exactly how this one happened, but I know I would not appreciate it nearly as much had I not had all the bad ones prior.

I must confess that there has been a distinct pattern to my relationships of past. I have been with many alcoholics/users; mostly angry, controlling men that tend to have one main focus during the relationship--destroying my self-esteem. Attacks upon my physical appearance, my intelligence, my abilities as a person--not to mention the black eyes, bruises, and general violation upon my physical being. No, it doesn't start like that--would I really choose that? No, they are generally charming, fun to be with, exciting and the other side doesn't come out until the relationship is well under way. It is a gradual process and often I have reached the "Oh hells! I am trapped!" point without even realizing it. By the time I realize I am dating a Jekyll and Hyde fellow, I have usually developed an attachment to them and believe them when they give their apologies and swear that it will never happen again. My faith and trust in other humans overrides my common sense from time to time...

So what makes me think this one is different? Yeah, that question scares the bejesus out of me, I must confess. Especially when I recognize how much of it is still based on faith and trust. For one, there are no insults or put-downs, even in a joking manner (since that is usually how they begin). The jealousy, the need to control me or my actions, the attempts to change me (from attire, which has been overwhelmingly common to changing my behaviors), attempts to reduce my activities with friends/family/anyone other than them; the common threads that later lead to evil, simply aren't there.

He is giving. He thinks of my needs. He knows when I am upset, encourages me to talk about it and doesn't become angry with me. He has never yelled at me. Period. I feel safe with him.

To me, he is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met--inside and out. I was at a point in my life where I was content. I was enjoying my time with friends, had rediscovered my focus and was stepping forward in life--something I hadn't been able to do for three years. The last thing I expected was someone walking into my life and me being able to let them. How to explain? It was like not knowing I was cold, until somebody handed me a coat. I had no clue that he would bring the things to my life that he does--I look back and wonder how I functioned before he entered my life. I know that sounds horribly unhealthy, and as I mentioned, mayhaps it is--but again, what do I know of healthy relationships?