Questions

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why? What did he hope to accomplish? Did he satisfy himself? I'm sure it was easier to blame it all on me. But still, what the heys??? It is sad that my family thinks so little of me that they believed him--but I realize now that the ones that fed into that are better removed from my life and that they were not the people that I believed them to be.

One, I realize was never the friend I thought her to be and while I still sometimes miss the illusion of who she was--I recognize that she was a slow poison saturating my life and I should have known better than to trust her in the first place.

One, has mended but I am not sure I will ever feel the same love and trust that I once did. Love much, I still do and is still one of the most important people in my life--but words and actions can never be taken back. Calluses and scars remain, which I believe will probably always be the case. I am not sure that I will ever be able to look at that one quite the same.

One, I love but hate at the same time. It has been well over a year since we last spoke--I avoid family functions because that one hurt me most of all. There is no justification. There is no excuse. And while some of the others may believe that it was all done in innocence and love, they weren't there for any of the interactions, they don't really know. They have not walked in my shoes nor had the pleasure of having had 38 years worth of these interactions. I know what I can handle and what I can't. His lies hurt most. There comes a time when walking away is the sanest action.

His family. I still miss them. Can't imagine that will ever change. It hurts, but I understand. Was there ever a day that he wasn't coddled, given in to and had someone to cover up for him? He has never had to be accountable for his actions and it was horrible of me to challenge that. Of course, they hate me now. And lords only knows what he has told them. How skillfully he turned my own family against me when they have known me always--his only knew me for two years--what might I expect?

Most of all, I wonder if he took any lessons from it? Does he recognize now how it turned into the jacked up mess it ended as? Does he look back and wish he would have accepted parting as friends? Or is it just easier to hate and blame? Does he at least recognize the places that he broke us? Has he learned enough that he is capable of being decent to future ones? Does he make an effort to refrain from those mistakes? I am sure that somewhere deep inside he knows the truth, but does he still just drown it out and choose anger, self-pity, and denial?

Funny, but I still don't hate him even after everything that happened. I just want to be safe and free from further damage. I don't think that is much to ask.