I have a niece in NV that I have never met and have never even spoken to. I have two nephews in MO that prior to 2010 were a huge part of my life but I haven't seen since December of 2011. Today was my father's birthday and it was the third year in a row that I ignored the day and waited for it to go away. I don't care how old I am, I hate these family rifts and even when I am 103, this will still hurt. My nature is to forgive, forget and try again. Even though I know these walls are necessary for my survival, I still despise them.
I want a relationship with my niece, but her mom caused so many problems when she was in my life before (long before my niece was born). With the nephews, I think that there is always going to be an empty spot, as long as they live so far away. They were essentially the children that I wanted but couldn't have. It doesn't help that both of my brothers are far away and out of my life, either. My relationship with my paternal side of the family is nonexistent. And my dad, well, yeah. I love him, but he can't be in my life. I want a relationship with him, but it isn't an option. If I hated him, the world would be a much simpler place.
I do have two wonderful families that I have created. Between finding a group of wonderful people which has provided me with many amazing friends and by also having an awesome family that "adopted" me many years back; I have created family for myself. Yet, there is still that part of me that wants relationships with these other people; these family members that I know are toxic to me. I don't know if it is because I lost my mother so young that I crave that family-piece or what it is. Regardless, this month has been unbearable. Between the twenty-year anniversary of my mother's death, the daily stress of work and trying to hold together my clients (while trying to hold myself together), I am truly beginning to feel as though tears are just a normal part of breakfast, lunch and the drive to work...
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