In the end, I did send my father the PDF newspaper clipping regarding the PFA-ex. I knew that it was pointless, but there is always going to be that bit of hope lingering about. Despite my brain explaining that I will never be Daddy's little girl or princess--there is that piece that holds on and waits for the day that he does love and accept me--that he will finally see me for who I really am and not the vile demon that he has always seen covering me. Of course, the heart has never understood logic or reason, I don't expect it to begin now.
At any rate, I have heard nothing in response.
From the 7.18.13 District Court announcements: "Hearings waived: The following defendants waived their rights to preliminary hearings. Their cases will be sent to the Court of Common Pleas for further disposition. __________ is charged with making a materially false written statement under penalty. Bail was set at $5,000, unsecured."
I figure the absence of response could be one of several things:
A) He is sticking to his "I refuse to discuss any of this because you are just evil, hateful, bitter and can't admit that I saved your life" retort.
B) He realizes karma is swinging around and he is trying to flee her grip.
C) He believes that I am the one that set the ball in motion against PFA-boy with my own case and that the clipping was in reference to me pressing charges. Which could lead to concern that he may be the next one on the list of stuff hitting the fan.
D) All of the above.
E) None of the above.
Long ago, I took the time to explain to him that lying on the forms that he did could lead to serious trouble for him. His response was that it was okay for him to lie because it isn't necessary to wait until someone gives good reason to step in--that concerned individuals may step in at any time if they believe there is probable cause.
That must be why the following is listed on the eight-page document that he signed his name to in three different places...
"IMPORTANT NOTICE: ANY PERSON WHO PROVIDES ANY FALSE INFORMATION ON PURPOSE WHEN HE COMPLETES THIS FORM MAY BE SUBJECT TO CRIMINAL PROSECUTION AND MAY FACE CRIMINAL PENALTIES INCLUDING CONVICTION OF A MISDEMEANOR."
I don't think my father realizes that I am aware the PFA was broken several times due to their actions; that I could have sued the holy pants off of him; or that I knew my rights and have a copy of the form he filled out against me. It is all still chalked up to me being "too far gone" to have a clue of what happened and is all just part of my "crazed delusions."
It's funny how the other individuals involved in my life, at that time, share in the crazed delusions and remember it, as well or that there are documents that suggest he continues to lie about the incident. I suppose if I ever busted these documents out in his presence, he would probably argue that they are also figments of my imagination. It also helps that all phone calls, incidents, and messages were wrote down as the conversations occurred and that I had a notebook in which everything was recorded, dated and noted where the information originally came from.
At the time, I seriously considered a lawsuit and I knew that information would eventually be necessary. It is now kept tucked away; along with the newspaper clippings, transcripts of parole hearings and other details regarding my mother's murder. Some pieces of our past are better left in boxes where they are not accidentally stumbled upon due to the pain attached. I was forced to dig up this piece of history, last week, when a friend needed information regarding "the fine print" contained within a PFA. Like the sore tooth our tongue insists on poking, I leafed through the rest of the information. Like a toothache, I was reminded that it still hurts.
My father can continue to deny the events that occurred. He can continue to tell me that I have simply "blocked out a great deal of what really occurred and somehow came to believe things that did not occur had occurred." He can continue with whatever it is that makes him feel like the hero. I have a box of documents that indicate the events did occur. I have other people that remember his statements and actions, as well.
The clipping from the 7.18.13 newspaper is now in the box because it is a piece of this story, too. My father took his side. He insisted upon his innocence and stated that I was simply trying to cause problems for the poor guy. His silence? Well, I may never know his thoughts. In all honesty, I am probably better off not knowing. Why I ignore the repeated lesson that communication with my father leads to hurt, breakdowns and a destruction of positive self-regard is beyond me. Damn heart.
For me, the clipping is confirmation as to what I tried explaining to my family then and since--"he isn't the golden boy you believe him to be." Either way, they chose him and showed me and told me how they have always felt about me. I know they don't understand why I have walked away, why I choose to avoid them. When one learns that their own family thinks such horrible things about them and refuses to help them during one of their greatest times of need? When the same family casts you out and chooses to wrap their arms lovingly around the one hurting you and calls you the villain? When years later they still to choose to defend their stance as opposed to admitting that they may have been wrong? No, this isn't me being bitter and hateful. This is me walking away from the pain and future hurts that are inevitable. This is me knowing that I don't deserve such treatment and that I am worth more than that. This is self-preservation. Huge difference.
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