I was recently talking to a friend that was struggling with situations in his life and feeling hopeless about his future. He stated: "I just can't see any such thing as answered prayers in this world. I don't see karma. I don't see any of that. I think there is a God but that it's non-intervention with most things. It's like the saying, "I asked God for bike. But then I realized it doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." I don't think eight million Jews prayers were answered in WWII - that's a big one. And on a minor scale, I prayed morning, noon, and night, for years, asking simply for God to somehow help us fix a marriage, so I could be with my son all the time. How can that not be a righteous request? A father who wants to be with his son?!? I just can no longer see how prayer works in this world. As far as karma, I have been doing the right thing for so long and I have yet to see where karma has come back to me. So I think its bullshit. I think shit happens because it just fucking happens. And if you do good and the right thing, you should do it never expecting a single thing back in return ever cause it doesn't work that way."
"I just can't believe any more that there is anything taking me where I am supposed to be. I think it's up to me to take me wherever it is. I just don't know anymore. All I see is that I was raised and taught to do the right and proper thing and I always try to do that. And this is how doing the right thing ends up?!? That makes no sense to me."
Our conversation sparked a lot of thought over the past hours and made me wonder a bit about why I perceive the universe the way that I do. It made me wonder how any of us manages to keep a positive attitude when life sometimes seems bent upon our destruction. I find this a lot, too, with my fiancé, who it seems to me, sometimes views the world as a force intent on subjecting him to pain. He often remarks that all of his life is made up of bad choices that cause him to struggle with his current survival. His past marriage, his choice to adopt a child that was a product of her affairs, staying with her despite her manipulations--he now pays dearly for his choices. "If I just had gone through with the divorce the first time she left..." Don't get me wrong, he loves all of his children but it certainly did not work out as he hoped or wanted and sometimes that breaks him emotionally (and financially). His outstanding debt? Also, viewed as bad choices making his life hell, now. "If I had lived frugally when I had the decent job..." I see so many people that don't move forward because they are still beating themselves up over events that can not be undone. Many, like my fiancé, still pay for choices made decades ago. Many lose faith in God, the universe, the powers that be--but also, many lose faith in themselves. It is hard to move forward when one does not even trust themselves to do right.
I, too, believe that it is our duty to be good people. I am not claiming that life makes sense or is fair by any stretch of the imagination, because it isn't. Sometimes life just doesn't add up and bad things happen to good people, without a doubt. Sometimes we really have to struggle to find the good and stay positive. And I don't know that karma works like many believe. If people only do good to get good things back, I don't know, that just makes me sad--what would be the point? It seems to me, that most often, the reward is simply knowing that you did the right thing. The right thing does not lead to popularity, riches or anything other than knowing that you made the right choice and tried your best. I tend to believe that life is full of lessons that we are meant to learn and that the choices we make determine which path we continue on. I believe that it is always up to us to create and follow our own individual paths. I don't believe that it is predestined, per say, but I do believe that it all works out exactly as it was meant to.
I also believe that sometimes we are part of someone else's lesson and our experience isn't entirely our own. We are all part of this existence; with other people, also trying to make sense of their journey (well, most of us--it does seem that some individuals exist solely to mess up the cogs and throw monkey wrenches about). Strange as it sounds, I believe that sometimes we simply play a part in someone else's lesson and that may be all the more purpose an experience serves in our own life.
After the experience in 2010 with the PFA, my father, the police and all of that--I really struggled. Reading the 302 report that my father filled out and knowing that is what he thinks of me? While having always been berated and trampled by him--somehow seeing it in writing almost destroyed me. Over the following two years, my brother--whom I considered my best friend--also turned his back on me and wouldn't even speak to me. He kept my nephews from me (which absolutely killed me). My brother, whom I raised most of his life and was almost like a child to me, shut me out. I lost almost all of my family and instead, the PFA ex was invited to and attended family functions, in my place. My family decided that I was not worth keeping; but that a man that wrecked me financially, emotionally, and abused me and my pets was. Not only did my family turn their backs on me when I needed them most, they also took my abuser under their wing and essentially decided that he was the better human being. They made the choice to keep him, as a part of the family, instead of me. Any clue what that does to self-esteem? I spent 2010 and most of 2011 simply wanting to die.
I still don't talk to my father. He has always been a bad person in my life, as well--but he still insists that he did nothing wrong in his actions--that instead, he saved hundreds of lives by his failed attempt to have me institutionalized (because he prevented me from going on a killing spree--he also since has made these same accusations regarding his best friend and others--he may have a hero complex or may just be insane). At any rate, I was talking to a friend about it afterward and she explained something to me that really changed the way that I look at the world. I couldn't understand why any of that happened, why my family has always treated me so horribly and so on. She explained that maybe the experience in 2010 wasn't MY lesson.
There were so many people that seriously messed up during the events that day. I could have had an immense law suit--I could have sued MH/MR (crisis/the Meadows), the police department (they refused to tell me why they were taking me away and handcuffing me in my own yard; refused to identify themselves; plus, I weighed 115 pounds and had a bulging disc, prior to this event and the two male police officers messed me up further because my father convinced them that I was an aggressive, homicidal meth-head), the hospital, so many more. My defender through the PFA process (and one of my dad's friends, years ago) really pushed for me to move forward with a lawsuit and sometimes I think that I should have.
But who knows what happened as a result? The Meadows, the police department, the hospital--they all tried to bury the entire event because they knew that I could have sued the pants off all of them. They ignored protocols and automatically trusted and took the word of a man making statements against his adult daughter, simply because he was in a uniform and well, no one in the law enforcement field would lie, right? When they later discovered that he had hoodwinked them--they realized that they had all put their own jobs at risk. That's pretty serious. I know their protocols changed as a result of my situation, the Meadows told me that much before denying that the event ever happened. Maybe my situation saved someone else from something even more traumatic? Maybe it was a lesson for someone personal in my life? Who knows? A lesson for many? Quite likely. But my friend's point was that sometimes our experiences are a lesson for others.
I believe that everything in life is interconnected--a web, if you will. No action is independent in life--it touches many others, whether we want it to or not. Our actions, words and deeds vibrate out and affect others--it is inevitable. We function similar to cogs in a machine, all have a place that we fill, hopefully for the good of the machine. Karma? I believe that it is better to put good into the universe because it resounds back as good--maybe not in our personal lives, but to the universe, in general. Shakespeare's statement that "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"? Yes, I believe this on several levels.
Maybe I just look at the world in a weird way--that is undeniably probable. I have had so many horrible things happen in my life that I guess it is only normal that my outlook on life would be a bit skewed--but I use those experiences, the best that I can, to help others through their own nightmares. My mom being murdered? The abuse throughout my own life? I use everything to help others--it is the only way that I can see to make sense of it--to turn tragedy into something good. Because I know no other way. Otherwise, I would have given up long ago. Life is about survival and hopefully making the best out of it. If one's own tragedy can be used to walk others through their own heartbreak? Why not?
How does this apply to my friend's situation? It takes two for a marriage. And a miserable marriage is worse on the children than having two separate, healthy households. The happiest day of my life was my father leaving. I was thirteen and lord knows, I wish they had split up sooner. We can't always see the big picture of "What If." Trying to makes us miserable. Sometimes you just have to have faith that life is taking you where you are meant to be. I know that is asking a lot and is maybe ridiculous, but I know it helps me when I am crashing and drowning.
Maybe his marriage only had one sole purpose. His son. He is what keeps him going, he is the light in his life, his best friend--his everything. Maybe he is all that was meant to come from the marriage. That sounds horrible, but I have no doubt that my friend did everything within his power to make the marriage work--regardless, maybe it wasn't meant to. I believe that they each make better parents separate than they did together--which is, I know, not the way that my friend wanted it to be, but as he said earlier--"it is what it is." His belief that his life is "a microcosm of bad life choices; only one bore fruit and that is my son." No, not a microcosm of bad life choices. A microcosm of life experiences helping him determine who he is, what he wants in life and what he will no longer tolerate in his future. And yes, something amazing and perfect came out of the experiences--his son. That is the blessing. Perhaps, had his marriage remained intact, as he prayed, the damages done to their son from fighting, would be irreparable. As it is, their son gets the best of each of his parents. I know that isn't what my friend wanted, hoped for or dreamed of--but perhaps it is better than what would have been created together, in the marriage.
My belief is that it isn't always for us to understand. Sometimes the "big picture" and what might have been, had our paths taken a different turn, isn't for us to understand. Trying to leads to headaches, stress and sorrow. The past cannot be changed, the most we can do is learn from it and move forward; wiser and with new tools in our belt. If we become better, more compassionate humans, as a result--if we develop empathy for others--has not the tragedy in our lives been transformed into something better? Is it not meant that we learn from life and still soar, stronger and more determined than when we first rose from our past ashes? I cannot accept that life is simply attempting to destroy us--that our goal each day is to make it through and not commit suicide. Maybe I am blind and giving human existence more credit than it deserves. Maybe I am just trying to make sense of my own heartbreaks. Either way, I choose to move forward and still have hope in the future.
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