How many of us utter negative self-talk in front of our children? How often do we tell them that their life will be so much more fantastic than our own? That they can accomplish anything they want because they, alone, are the most amazing person ever to grace the planet? Yet, we let them be in earshot of our own self-doubt and self-loathing. Please remember, that it is good for them to see you having healthy self-esteem and self-respect. It will mold how they talk to themselves as an adult. We are all products of our parents--especially our same-sex parent--it is normal to see them and their life as a "roadmap", if you will. Let them see that you are okay with your life, even if it didn't turn out like you expected and hoped it to--that will help ensure their future happiness, too. The reality is, none of us get all of our dreams or hopes met--heck, most of us are lucky if even one thing turns out, even half, like we had hoped. However, our outlook on our life will almost certainly mirror what our children grow up to see when they view their own reflection.
The trick to life is being happy with what you have and still looking in the mirror and liking who you see. Sure, it is easier to see our own negatives and focus on them--but sometimes we need to step back and view ourselves with the same eyes that others see us through (and not the eyes of exes, parents, or others that would choose to cut us down). Give yourself some credit, be proud of who you are. If you can teach your children that--they will be golden, no matter what life throws their way.
Your children will eventually develop the same self-respect that you hold for yourself, even if what you tell them about themselves is immensely more positive. They may currently believe that they are the best person ever, that they can achieve anything that they want to, that following their dreams will lead to happiness; but at some point, life in the real world will catch up with them and their response to it is what will truly ensure their future happiness. Healthy self-esteem, as a child, will probably lead to better choices as an adult; I really can't speak from that end. But I do know that no matter how hard we work towards achieving our dreams, life doesn't always cooperate. Divorce; dead-end jobs; college educations that we thought would ensure decent pay, success and respect? Does it ever really work out exactly like that? For anyone? I believe that some people may appear to have it all and appear to have happiness, but I have also read some pretty crappy books hidden behind beautiful covers.
We all know, as adults, that nothing in life is guaranteed. No matter how hard we work for something, it doesn't mean that it will turn out the way that we had hoped. And sometimes, even though we worked hard to achieve our dream, sometimes we catch it and discover that we still feel empty. Maybe it isn't really what we wanted after all and now we have no idea which direction to turn. Perhaps it is equally, if not more important, to teach our children how to still be happy and okay with their lives when faced with disappointment. In a world where children are rewarded just for showing up and not putting forth effort, perhaps we have forgotten how to teach them to deal with disappointment? And truly, what does adult life contain more of? Pats on the back, constant praise and hearing that they are the most wonderful person ever to walk the Earth or the inevitable letdowns and disappointments?
We all know, as adults, that nothing in life is guaranteed. No matter how hard we work for something, it doesn't mean that it will turn out the way that we had hoped. And sometimes, even though we worked hard to achieve our dream, sometimes we catch it and discover that we still feel empty. Maybe it isn't really what we wanted after all and now we have no idea which direction to turn. Perhaps it is equally, if not more important, to teach our children how to still be happy and okay with their lives when faced with disappointment. In a world where children are rewarded just for showing up and not putting forth effort, perhaps we have forgotten how to teach them to deal with disappointment? And truly, what does adult life contain more of? Pats on the back, constant praise and hearing that they are the most wonderful person ever to walk the Earth or the inevitable letdowns and disappointments?
My mother always berated herself and would make comments about how "everything she touched turned to shit", that she was a failure, that she could do nothing right, how us kids would be better off with our dad and talked of death/suicide--while it wasn't directly pointed at us--it still influenced how I viewed my own world, for many years. In addition to the negative self-talk that my father had instilled in me, from birth on, I also had the inevitable concern that I, too, had inherited her ability to "destroy everything touched."
For many years, I worried that I had her curse. It was even better when one of my brothers told me (within the past two years, even) that it was inevitable. He and his wife sat me down, with genuine concern and asked if I knew about "my curse." Since he grew up hearing it from our mother and also had a father putting it in his ear that the women in our family, generation after generation--me, my mother, my maternal grandmother--so on and so forth were doomed to a miserable existence full of broken relationships, crushed dreams and the "non-Midas touch"--I guess it is no surprise that he genuinely believed this. His concern was that I didn't know and should be aware, that I may as well just give up now--that there was no hope, no matter what I did--it was genuinely touching. He and his wife were actually attempting to look out for me, they weren't trying to crush my life hope and I think that they wanted to offer their emotional support. I think they were a bit surprised when my response was laughter and not tears.
I am forty years old. I have my Master's Degree, eight years of college under my belt and a job that I genuinely like and am well-suited for. I bought my own home in 2006 and everything in it, I have worked for. My only outstanding debts are my student loans and my mortgage. I do not have credit card debt; I live within my means; my vehicle is paid off and I have always supported myself, from day one of leaving the nest. I have only ever had myself to rely upon--everything I have, I have earned myself. What is wrong with that? How does that equate failure?
I have never been married. I have never had children. I have had two romantic relationships that were quite abusive--the first one lasting six years, the second lasting two years and ending in a three-year PFA. The second relationship also ended with my father and I being estranged, being ostracized from my paternal family and the ending of many relationships that I cared about (his family, my own, etc). I guess this is enough to suggest that the curse is true. It is what my brother and his wife alluded to when they discussed "my lot in life" with me. I suppose I could crumple, fold and call game-over, as well. That has been my programming from day one, yes???
Or I could be realistic. I never really wanted children. I wanted to have my tubes tied as soon as I began menstruating. As soon as I found a doctor willing to preform "elective sterilization" without having already had children, I signed up and went for it. Yes, I am human, there are times that I have wondered how it would have been to have had children; but overall, no. That has never been a pressing desire. Marriage? I have had three engagement rings placed upon my finger and could have had more, if I wanted. Marriage has never been my end goal, either. The abusive relationships? Does that mark me a failure? Because I trusted and saw the good in individuals that hurt me? No, that doesn't mark me as a failure. That just means that I need to be more careful in my partner choices, not fall for the manipulators and I need to seek out healthier relationships. Seeing the good in everyone can also be viewed as a good quality; being tenacious and not giving up on my relationships, despite the negatives could also be viewed as good qualities. It is all in perspective.
The ending of my relationship with my father and his family? It has always been toxic and fraught with pain. In truth, I have been much happier and more secure in who I am, now that I no longer have their incessant whispering in my ear and their prophesied doom hanging over my head. Having the hovering insistence that I am going to mess everything up was quite exhausting, in reality. Having them point out every tiny fault or mistake, maddening. Without them to push me back down and expect the worst, I am able to bounce back, brush myself off and carry on. I am good with that.
Losing the PFA-ex's family? Yeah, that still stings. I still think about and miss them. But like anyone that fades from your life, the pain lessens and others move in and fill those spaces. Losing the other people that I did? A sister-in-law that I loved dearly and considered a close friend? The cousin-in-law that I considered a little sister? My father's wife that I came to love and considered a friend, as well? I have since accepted that these people that I loved were not real--I loved a façade of the person that I thought they were. I loved a side that they showed me, but never really existed. They never truly loved me or cared about me; they loved what I gave them. Love does not seek to destroy. And this, too, I view as a blessing. These individuals readily took everything that I offered but never had my best interests, at heart. I was invested in negative influences that were secretly drilling holes in my ship, every time that I turned my back. My ship sails much better without their added weight and sabotaging. Call it "house cleaning", if you will. Removing false friends from life is a blessing in the long-run--no matter how much it hurts when it is initially discovered.
Overall, I think what many people fail to grasp when viewing my life, is that I do not feel sad and alone because I have no children and have never been married. These were my choices and au contraire--I am proud of the fact that I never gave in to what society attempted to force me in to. I was not created with a cookie cutter and while marriage and children may have brought me happiness on some levels--I think that overall, I have created more personal life satisfaction by choosing the path that I did. The mistake would be for me to allow myself to believe society and the "well-meaners" with their view of what should make me happy. It would be nice if they could also respect my choices and not feel the need to meddle, but I recognize that is unrealistic.
I have never been married. I have never had children. I have had two romantic relationships that were quite abusive--the first one lasting six years, the second lasting two years and ending in a three-year PFA. The second relationship also ended with my father and I being estranged, being ostracized from my paternal family and the ending of many relationships that I cared about (his family, my own, etc). I guess this is enough to suggest that the curse is true. It is what my brother and his wife alluded to when they discussed "my lot in life" with me. I suppose I could crumple, fold and call game-over, as well. That has been my programming from day one, yes???
Or I could be realistic. I never really wanted children. I wanted to have my tubes tied as soon as I began menstruating. As soon as I found a doctor willing to preform "elective sterilization" without having already had children, I signed up and went for it. Yes, I am human, there are times that I have wondered how it would have been to have had children; but overall, no. That has never been a pressing desire. Marriage? I have had three engagement rings placed upon my finger and could have had more, if I wanted. Marriage has never been my end goal, either. The abusive relationships? Does that mark me a failure? Because I trusted and saw the good in individuals that hurt me? No, that doesn't mark me as a failure. That just means that I need to be more careful in my partner choices, not fall for the manipulators and I need to seek out healthier relationships. Seeing the good in everyone can also be viewed as a good quality; being tenacious and not giving up on my relationships, despite the negatives could also be viewed as good qualities. It is all in perspective.
The ending of my relationship with my father and his family? It has always been toxic and fraught with pain. In truth, I have been much happier and more secure in who I am, now that I no longer have their incessant whispering in my ear and their prophesied doom hanging over my head. Having the hovering insistence that I am going to mess everything up was quite exhausting, in reality. Having them point out every tiny fault or mistake, maddening. Without them to push me back down and expect the worst, I am able to bounce back, brush myself off and carry on. I am good with that.
Losing the PFA-ex's family? Yeah, that still stings. I still think about and miss them. But like anyone that fades from your life, the pain lessens and others move in and fill those spaces. Losing the other people that I did? A sister-in-law that I loved dearly and considered a close friend? The cousin-in-law that I considered a little sister? My father's wife that I came to love and considered a friend, as well? I have since accepted that these people that I loved were not real--I loved a façade of the person that I thought they were. I loved a side that they showed me, but never really existed. They never truly loved me or cared about me; they loved what I gave them. Love does not seek to destroy. And this, too, I view as a blessing. These individuals readily took everything that I offered but never had my best interests, at heart. I was invested in negative influences that were secretly drilling holes in my ship, every time that I turned my back. My ship sails much better without their added weight and sabotaging. Call it "house cleaning", if you will. Removing false friends from life is a blessing in the long-run--no matter how much it hurts when it is initially discovered.
Overall, I think what many people fail to grasp when viewing my life, is that I do not feel sad and alone because I have no children and have never been married. These were my choices and au contraire--I am proud of the fact that I never gave in to what society attempted to force me in to. I was not created with a cookie cutter and while marriage and children may have brought me happiness on some levels--I think that overall, I have created more personal life satisfaction by choosing the path that I did. The mistake would be for me to allow myself to believe society and the "well-meaners" with their view of what should make me happy. It would be nice if they could also respect my choices and not feel the need to meddle, but I recognize that is unrealistic.
So, clearly, I have been granted a choice. I could view my life as a failure because it doesn't match what society says is required for personal happiness and success. I could listen to my family and believe that I am doomed to their predicted life of misery and failure. I could view myself as a spinster (despite the live-in fiancé; because according to society, this still is evidence of my failure, since I have not yet committed on paper); I could also choose to view myself as a lonely person destined to a lonelier future--alone in a nursing home because I didn't vaginally create anyone to take care of me in my old age. Newsflash: from what I have seen and noted around me, there is no guarantee that the adult seeds of your loin will care for you in old age, financially or emotionally. I worked in a nursing home for a while and the individuals without children actually seemed to be just as happy, if not happier, than the individuals with children. The ones with children seemed to regularly fret that their children, grandchildren and such did not visit enough--there was more expectation. And I guess that is what this post originally started out about--not letting our life expectations dictate our happiness.
My choice? I am okay with being a statistic--single, never married, 40 year-old female, no children. Just make sure you add in the educated, content, successful, independent and yes, for the most part--happy. After all, I broke a curse that I have been told from birth that I could not outrun. And no matter what life throws at me, I know that I will bounce back and still maintain inner-peace. Maybe my parents and all of the other nay-sayers actually did me a favor in life. I was always told that I would amount to nothing--that I would be pregnant and on welfare by sixteen--that I would fail, miserably, and at everything. My goal? It was always just to prove them wrong. In that, I deem my life: GOAL MET.
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