A Different Turn

I realize that I haven't posted much over the past year.  Overall, while the events that led to this blog were horribly painful and I still bear scars (physically and mentally), I feel much of that chapter has come to a close.  My father is still out of my life; which has led to much growth and finally finding happiness in my life.  Perhaps I would have found it even if he had remained in my life, but I don't think so.  I think much of what has led to my eventual happiness was being able to tune out the internal voice that he gave to me.  While he remained in my life, he was able to reinforce that negative voice and watch over it, ensuring its growth and power.  I have since learned to stomp out those negative thoughts and to replace them with gentler ones.  It is not an easy process and requires completely changing your entire thought process--which having had it for nearly forty years, at that point in time, was no easy feat.  I am not willing to allow him back in, as I previously always seemed to do.  Somehow, I thought that my happiness rode upon his love and approval, which I kept begging for and striving for--always leading to heartbreak.

Accepting that I would never make my father see me for who I truly am; accepting that his love and approval would never be obtained; and most importantly, that my happiness did not ride on any of these factors--I was able to move on.  He still doesn't understand why I left.  He doesn't understand why I cannot see things through his eyes and that is okay.  We have thirty-six years of misunderstanding, hurts, and not being compatible.  I have come to terms with this and accept this.  I have my life; he has his.  He feels that he loves me and does accept me as I am--but that I am just a bitter and hateful person.  Again, I feel that he has never taken the time to know me or how I see the world--that is okay.  I no longer need him to in order to be happy.  I am grateful for this.  I still love him as my father--I accept that he loves me, in his way and by his own terms--but that for now, our book comes to a close.   There are many unfinished blog postings over the past years--I may go back and finish them, adding them in as I go--I have yet to decide.  For now, I think the past postings are essentially "Book One".   I am ready to move onto "Book Two."  So for now, I am considering this post the closing of this chapter of my life.  Moving on now...