"You can't really ask for what you can't imagine.
You can't ask for what you don't know.
That was my world.
It was what I knew."
~Neil Gaiman~
(as told by Amanda Palmer in The Art of Asking)
As I am reading The Art of Asking, I find myself falling more and more in love with AFP. It truly is a wonderful book--I love her story, I love the way she lays it out, I love how open she is in sharing who she is and where she has been. And as with any good book, I find hidden truths within myself. I have laughed, cried, and related deeply to many pieces of this book.
I asked for this one for Christmas, not sure what to expect. At one point, I took it back off of my Christmas list because it was pricey at the time. Christmas morning, I was tickled to discover it tucked in among the other gifts. What I didn't know was how much I needed this book. What I didn't know was that I would want everyone else important in my life to read it, as well.
Most of us struggle with asking for what we need in life--financially, physically, emotionally. Some of us are so blessed backwards, we don't even know what exactly it is that we need; we just know that something is missing. Or maybe that a whole lot of things are missing. Maybe we seek these things out hoping that our friends and partners will intuitively know what we need and will provide it.
How can we expect others to meet our needs when we ourselves aren't even able to identify what it is that we are searching for? And the harshest reality, if we can't find it within--it sure as hell isn't going to appear to us from elsewhere. But this isn't that story--we have all heard that one time and time again, we know that one well. But how do we know exactly what it is that we need?
Neil is answering Amanda's question in the beginning quote. She wants to know whether he asked for comfort, when hurt as a child. His simple answer, he didn't know to ask because quite simply, he knew no other way. He didn't know that he was missing anything because this was simply as it had always been. You can't ask for something that you have never seen and if you do not know it exists.
His lack of response, when she was hurting, confused her--feeling like rejection when she was already wounded. Yet he simply had no idea of her expectations. He was acting as he believed he was meant to. He behaved as he had been raised to--to be quiet, to stand back, to leave the person alone. She interpreted it as abandonment; he interpreted it as what you are supposed to do.
How often do we expect the people in our lives to just know what we need? To know when they have hurt us? For them to understand precisely why we are angry? Do we quit speaking to others believing that they know why? That they should know why we are hurt, angry, wounded, broken--and if they don't, we are better off without them anyhow--aren't we???
The human existence is so fraught with misunderstanding, communication breakdowns, disagreements, and the inability to see things from the perspective of others. Add in pride. Add in stubbornness. Add in fear. Add in false beliefs, ignorance, and the inability to apologize. Humans are pretty ridiculous, at times. All of us. It is what we excel at.
There is not a single human alive that can deny having ever misunderstood (or been misunderstood by) someone they loved and had it lead to utter hell for both individuals involved. This is who we are. Interacting with others is hard work. Understanding each other is even more difficult. We can think that we have clearly gotten our point across, only to discover that it utterly failed.
Friendships end. Relationships screech to a halt. Loved ones leave. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Sometimes we are filled with regret; sometimes with relief. But at the root of it all? Pain. A big chunk of that pain? Misunderstandings. Miscommunication. Not asking for what we needed. Not knowing what we needed. You can't ask, if you don't know.
Having not a clue, because we had never been show how. How to what? How to communicate? How to communicate effectively. How to listen. How to hear. It is often said that we listen only in order to respond. We half-listen, while preparing our response. We listen with the intent of being heard, while we forget to hear what is actually being spoken.
People yell to be heard. People scream to be heard. When this fails, people speak with fists. But the root is the same. Wanting to be understood. Wanting to connect. Which would you truly prefer, the clinking of glasses as you cheer the one who "gets you" or would you prefer the smashing of glasses as you rage at the one who doesn't? Depends on the day for some, I guess.
We need to learn how to search inside ourselves and ask what we need. How to search within and discover what we want. Beyond those base needs--what is underneath those? We really aren't as complicated as we like to think that we are. It doesn't need to be as challenging as we have made it. But again, some side tangent happened with my message. How did I land here?
"You can't really ask for what you can't imagine.
You can't ask for what you don't know.
That was my world.
It was what I knew."
~Neil Gaiman~
(as told by Amanda Palmer in The Art of Asking)
Ah, yes. I meant to be here...
When we are children, we know only what we are born into. We do not know right from wrong. We do not understand concepts such as stealing, that others feel pain--we are our only world. Our parents are our world. Our siblings, our family--these are all that exist. The concepts outside of our own body and our own home are, in essence, foreign countries.
We are all taught differently. Not all of us begin with loving homes. Not all of us are granted safety, security, and a sense of being loved. Not all of feel that we are special to our parents--we aren't all raised believeing that we are little princesses or princes. Some of us are raised to belive that we are monsters. We are raised to believe that it is our fault.
What is our fault? Everything. Maybe it is our fault that he hits her. Maybe it is our fault that she cries. Perhaps it is our fault that the grass grows too high and that it is all sloping downward. Perhaps it is our fault when the cat does the things that cats do. Whatever it is, you can be assured, it was your fault. Whatever it is, you are the reason that things are not good.
Because you aren't good. You are bad. Everything that you do is bad. Somehow, yes, you are at fault. A monster. It is difficult to fear the monster under the bed when the monster lives in you. Eventually this turns into anger. Because you still crave their love--you want to be good--but you aren't. You aren't lovable. You are the monster. It is your fault.
You see the world through frightened eyes because you know that you are the monster. And as you grow, you find yourself in the land of princesses, princes... and you. You know that you do not belong. You know that you make things bad. You stay quiet. You learn to be invisible. You pray to be even more invisible. Being seen means being a target. Being a target is bad.
Whether it is the grown ones that see you, whether it is the small ones that see you--being the target is no fun. Monsters can only be targets. When it is your fault, you expect to be the target. These are the laws of the land. These are the rules that you were taught when others were being told how wonderful and precious they are--how special they are. Your rules were different.
Yes, this is where I landed. That was my world. That was what I knew. How does it all fit together? It does. Of that, I am sure. Relationships are hard. Communicating sucks. We don't all have equal footing. Your experience differs from mine, which differs from hers, which differs from his. We all have unique experiences and we can never fully understand what another has lived through.
Be gentle. Strive to understand. Forgive. Forgive those that hurt you most because they were hurting, too. Whether you were the monster, the target, or the special one--be gentle. We are all struggling. We all have wounds. Seek to understand. Seek to see their side of it. Seek to hear. Listen to hear with all of your heart, not with your own words.
We all want to be understood. We all want to be loved. Some of us struggle greatly with these concepts. I am not sure if it is worse discovering that childhood was a lie and that you, too, deserve love or if it is worse to be raised as a prince or princess only to discover that the rest of the world thinks you are an asshole. I think I will take my beginnings, to be honest.
Life is hard. Relationships are harder. Some you will be better off without--that is okay, too. Have the wisdom to know which ones and let them go without looking back. Work for the ones that matter. We really are all working toward the same goals in the end--learn to see yourself in others. Allow them to see you, too. It really never was meant to be this challenging.
"You can't really ask for what you can't imagine.
You can't ask for what you don't know.
That was my world.
It was what I knew."
~Neil Gaiman~
(as told by Amanda Palmer in The Art of Asking)
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