New Thoughts

I am still planning to maintain this blog.  I know that the past year saw much neglect and very few postings, but honestly, I see this as progress.  This blog was created to assist me with surviving one of the greatest heartbreaks in my life--betrayals from most of my family, many of my friends, and essentially, feeling abandoned by the people that mattered most to me in life.  I needed an outlet for that pain, a way to explore it safely, and a way to make sense of it while healing from it.  I think that I have done that for the most part.  That will always be a dark chapter in my life, but I think that I have moved on enough, for now, that I am ready to begin a new chapter.

There have been several ideas rolling around in my head regarding which direction this blog should now take.  Even though I haven't posted much recently--there are still seventy drafts waiting for me to finish them.  There are 150 finished and shared posts, total--but those other seventy posts are also pertinent to the story and may get finished and added, or they may remain in virtual limbo.  Many of them are hidden from public view because they are even more personal than what I shared publicly.  Some of them were written in so much anger that I didn't wish to put that negativity into the world.  Some would be too hurtful, and even detrimental to others, for me to share.  For now, they are buried and maybe that is for the best.  I am unsure at this time. Time alone will provide that answer.

The truth of the matter is, daily, I am writing in my head.  Daily, I have something that I want to transform into written word and share.  The direction of these thoughts don't readily fit into any of my current blogs and I contemplated beginning yet another, but I wasn't really ready to let this one just "die", either.  Of my blogs, this one is primarily about healing, making sense of the cards that I have been dealt in life, and also, with examining how I chose to play those cards.  To me, this is part of internal and spiritual growth--I have always been an introvert and sometimes putting those internal thoughts into a visible format helps me to process them better.  Generally, when I begin a post, I have an idea in mind, but by the end, I discover that there was actually something else that I needed to address within that I was unaware of.  That is the beauty of writing; it often takes on a life of its own and we are blessed with new, unexpected insights.  That is one of my favorite parts of journaling--simply seeing where the words land and what picture is created in the end.  It is more therapeutic than most people realize and I can honestly say that journaling has been key in my own survival.  I have maintained journals all of my life and often suggest them to my clients; they are a wonderful tool for healing and can be one of the best personal therapists available.

On another note, today is also the 23rd anniversary on my mother's murder.  These past months were more challenging than I expected--starting in November, I really struggled and the holidays were exceedingly difficult.  For anyone that has struggled with great grief, you know that it always remains a part of who you are--it just changes in how you respond, how you survive.  Today, I am actually doing well mentally--however, physical pain has trapped me in bed--which completely changed all of the plans that I had for today.  Sometimes that happens.  I had plans of creating and making art, in different forms.  Instead, I am here, writing--which I can do from bed.  When chronic pain is a part of your life, sometimes plans made simply have to be abandoned and changed.  The easiest way to maintain sanity, when coming to terms with the fact that you are sometimes a prisoner in a body that hurts, is to simply allow mental flexibility.  That was my choice, today.  I will not be creating with my hands in the manner that I hoped and looked forward to, but I can still create and will do so through my words.  My creative outlets are my sanity.  It is that simple.  Writing is another form of healing.

The direction I think I may let this blog now take is in more of a "letter format."  This part may be short-lived or it may take on an entirely new direction--I have no way of knowing.  If it is short-lived and quickly fizzles out, I will worry about it then.  For now, I still have many, many letters that have been written in my head over the years.  Letters that may have saved relationships; letters that may have quietly ended some of them.  Letters that I still examine in my head and fine tune twenty years later, even though not a word has ever been shared on paper.  Letters that can never be sent for one reason or another.  But yet these are letters that clearly still exist within me and as I have discovered in my years of writing, until I create them and unleash them in written form, they will roll around in my head and maintain a loud voice of their own.  Like the rest of my writing, it is time to purge myself of them and be free.  Some of these letters have already been started within those seventy aforementioned drafts--some have just been shouting in my head.  Over the past month, these letters have taken on more intensity and have argued that they need to be shared somewhere, anywhere, just unleash them.  

Like my other posts here, these letters are extremely personal, contain a lot of pain, and like the posts here would fall on deaf ears or the ears simply no longer exist to fall upon.  They are letters to those that have passed to the other side; letters to those that will never again be a part of my life; letters that if I shared them would be mocked, made into a joke, or further misunderstood.  They are letters that as much as my brain wishes to share them--it just truly can't.  I am sharing them here with some hesitation.  I know that some of them would be painful or still misunderstood by the parties that they are intended for.  I know that it may be unfair to share them here, publicly, where they may be stumbled upon and be hurtful.  That isn't my intent, either.  I write and share because I must.  This blog has never been about accusing or pointing fingers--it has always been about release and personal healing.  This part of the journey is no different.  I suspect that this part of the blog will be short-lived and I hope that it may be done gently and with open eyes.  But my heart tells me this is where I need to go next, and it won this round.  So the next book begins...