I realize that my previous post sounds snarky, mean, self-centered and that many would say that I should just continue to do these things out of love and because they are the right thing to do. My stance, if this entire blog is taken into consideration and my entire life is looked at as a whole, is that when relationships bring us pain, when relationships are imbalanced (one person solely gives while the other person solely takes), if a relationship is toxic--walk away.
No, I am not saying any of these things regarding my relationship with my brother and his family. I recognize that he has his own life and that life gets busy. I have friends that I do not talk to for years and we are still close. When we finally touch base and are able to connect, it is as though no time has elapsed in between. This is typically the relationship that I have with both of my brothers. The middle brother? We may talk once every five years to ten years--but it is great when we do and then I go through a period of missing him and wishing he lived closer until we return to "our norm".
Partially, my issue is that I get frustrated when people have expectations and gratitude is lost. The days of saying "please" and "thank you" seem to be in the past. Expecting others to do for you, while not appreciating it seems to be a waste of time. I have noticed that with wedding gifts, graduation gifts, and elsewhere, as well--there are no longer thank yous or even acknowledgement that a gift was received. To me, that just seems odd and perhaps a bit rude. I realize that I am living by old standards, too, though. I guess my thought is that if someone took the time to think of me, even a verbal thank you and letting them know that I appreciated it is a simple gesture. My brother is not the only one that I have ceased purchasing gifts for due to this--I struggle greatly when I feel gratitude does not exist. However, I may feel the most guilt when it comes to my nieces and nephews.
Expectations. Another place I struggle greatly. When generosity is taken advantage of and the other person comes to expect regular material gains and the giver is simply viewed as an opportunity--I struggle. I see this often in life, people become accustomed to receiving and eventually the requests become bigger and bigger, while the gratitude is lost. It becomes an expectation that the other person must give them something or there is resentment. I think this is a struggle most of us have in some fashion or another. We all have expectations in life and sometimes those expectations can lead to disappointment. For example, my expectation in this situation is that my loved ones will be excited to have a relationship with me, too--that they will be pleased to get surprises in the mail and that they will call or send a text--opening the lines for communication. From my end, it feels as though they expect that I will give them things because of who they are and that is where it ends.
I see this with my fiance's children a lot, too. Expectations with nothing in return. I don't know that they have ever called him on his birthday or Father's Day--yet he calls them regularly, plus all holidays--even Thanksgiving. I get that--he is their father, it is his job to reach out. Yet I see how hurt he is when they forget him on his special days. Maybe that is silly, but we are human--we get hurt. His children are nineteen, seventeen and fourteen--of course they all own phones, so I am not sure what the reasons are. During the six years that I have been with him, they have never given him a Christmas gift or birthday gift. I find that weird, too--they work, it just isn't something that ever crosses their mind. And I see it with him, too--he does not buy gifts for his own father or grandmother--yet they give him gifts. To me, that is all just strange. Obviously those are their dynamics, I should not view them through my lenses--yet I do.
Returning phone calls and text messages has also become optional in life. I see this with coworkers, clients, and in other areas of my life, as well. This is another area of my life where I find myself greatly frustrated on a regular basis. Message after message is left, yet the other person never acknowledges this. Perhaps my frustration is partially due to loathing phone calls, myself--I do not enjoy talking on the phone and when I know it will be an hour to two hour long phone call, I have to mentally prepare myself and sometimes it is a struggle. It isn't because I do not care or do not wish to speak to that person--I would happily meet for lunch or in person--I just really dislike talking on the phone. Yet I try. And sometimes things simply can not be done through text or it doesn't translate easily to text and a call becomes necessary.
One of my best friends calls me almost daily and due to regular schedule conflicts, we may only actually get to talk a few times per month--but I do still try. She doesn't realize it and thinks I am horrible because I never answer my phone, but she is also one of the very few people that I speak to on the phone regularly. I return the calls because I know it makes her happy and that she dislikes other forms of communicating, so I make the extra effort to call. Do I call her as much as I should or as much as she would like? No. But I try very hard and make a conscious effort to keep in touch with her because she needs this as part of our relationship and I love her.
The reason for this post is not to say that I am right and that they are all wrong. It is not to say that my ways are better. It is not to say that these are how things should be because this is how I feel. The reason for my previous post was simply a response to those that question why family may not be involved when they feel that they should be--from my perspective, any relationship that becomes one-sided, I am likely to step away from. This is probably a serious character flaw on my part, I am willing to accept that. I was not always like that and I used to give freely with little question. However, my own resources have been depleted--both financially and emotionally. I no longer have the financial resources that I once did--I now have to pick and choose where my resources go. Emotionally, I have discovered over the past decade that when I constantly give and nothing is returned in any fashion--mentally, I do need to walk away. Plain and simple.
As always, my writing is a way for me to sort through my own feelings and make sense of them. Sometimes I am not capable of doing this until I let it spill out in the written word. I hesitated before making my last post public because I am well aware of how it sounds. However, I also roll with the knowledge that this post exists freely in cyber space where there is little chance of it ever being spotted and read. This provides a freedom and safety with my posts that I would not be granted if I thought others would actually see it. I suppose at some point these last two posts will just slip back into draft form and forever remain, until then, I am just trying to explain how it feels from the side of the family member that vanishes and doesn't engage in an expected manner. Until then, I am writing as a method of processing my own feelings and making sense of it all.
My views tend to be old school and I know that many of the absent family members being spoken of harshly are as well. It can be very challenging to be that person on the outside, expected to participate but never being given a second thought except for those times that you don't meet their own expectations. It can be very challenging when you want those close, intimate, loving relationships but you are simply viewed as a resource (free child care, financial bearer, gift giver, etc). Some people can give and give and give and not seem phased--I envy them. Perhaps I will move onto the occasional card for my nieces and nephews and see what happens--if things remain as they are, I will have lost little. Again, just sharing from the other side...
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