"I finally have learned, after decades of frustration, to expect nothing for birthdays and Christmas. No calls, no "how are my grandkids?" or goodness forbid they ask how I'm doing, no invites for trips or holidays anymore. They make no effort to be in our lives. I think we've all mentally checked out..."
I often wonder if my youngest brother and his wife understand why I no longer go out of my way to be involved with them. I often see mournful posts written by friends about the family members that miss out on watching their children being raised, that miss out on their children's lives, or that don't bother to call or send gifts for special occasions and I often wonder if I am tossed into that category of "family that will regret it". Sometimes I wonder if I will regret these choices, but I am not sure that I have as much choice as I would sometimes like to believe.
I am sure that my brother's wife thought the arrival of my new niece in September 2016 would result in at least some acknowledgment. I have not sent any cards, no gifts, no money. Why? The last time I sent a gift to them, it was to my brother (and also smaller items for my two nephews) for my brother's birthday in April 2016. The gift to my brother was a rather expensive, autographed book about the Beatles; shipping was timed precisely so that it would get there on his birthday. I first asked if he received it in September of 2016, with no response. It wasn't until his birthday a full year later, when I again asked his wife if he ever got it, that I was met with an answer--just a simple "yes, he did". No clue as to if he liked it, appreciated it, or maybe he just thought it was a stupid gift. Who knows?
For their wedding in January 2014, prior to leaving their home, I arranged all of their wedding gifts on the shelves in their guest bedroom--again, nothing--no indication that they ever even opened them. I arrived with Christmas gifts for them and for my nephews that year, in addition to the wedding gifts. There were no thank yous, there were no gifts in return, just expectation. We sat and watched everyone open their gifts and that was the extent of it. No, gifts are not given with the expectation of something in return, please do not miss my point here, but when there is never any response--not even a thank you? It does eventually seem pointless with time.
My calls go unanswered, unreturned. My texts are ignored. Even gifts are apparently just opened and tossed aside. This occurs with my brother, his wife, and my nephews--there is no gratitude, no reciprocity, not even simple acknowledgement. How long does one just blindly throw love and energy into a vortex before they walk away and decide that relationships are not meant to be one-sided? Or if they are one-sided, perhaps the understanding finally becomes that it isn't worth it and that love and energy can be thrown elsewhere, somewhere that someone may appreciate it?
Not sure that you understand what I mean? Spend time picking out what you hope are the perfect gifts, take the time to package them with care--picture happiness and excitement expressed by your loved one; spend time choosing the words carefully for your messages, leave message after message--do these things regularly for years. But, the added twist, send them nowhere. Just to a vacant lot states away. Does someone find them? Do they just sit there and rot? Who knows? Nobody knows where they go. Maybe the voicemails and text messages are going to an old number and the owner of the new phone number doesn't have the heart to tell you. Maybe the family moved and the packages are sitting unclaimed in a dead letter office somewhere. You don't know, because there has been no communication, no acknowledgement for years. How long until you give up?
Maybe I am a horrible person for giving up as soon as I did. I am sure that other family members continue to give without thought. They live almost 1000 miles from us. I realize that yes, this is an obstacle. Maybe nothing I give is good enough--his last wife did explain to me once that they didn't like the gifts I chose because I didn't know my brother as well as I thought. Now there is a motivator to keep mindlessly giving. Also, let's not forget that I have another niece, that lives 2400 miles away, is a teenager now and that I have never met. I spent years sending gifts there, too; also with no response. Odds are I will never meet either of my nieces. Odds are I will never see my nephews again. These are not, nor have they ever been, my choices. I hate it. Yet my hands are tied.
I had a friend explain years ago that this brother is only in my life when he needs something, when it is convenient for him, when he needs me. At the time, I listened, but with caution. This same brother was my best friend for so many years. This same brother was like a child to me as we grew up. This same brother's children became my most precious family members, his wife at that time became my best friend, as well. Not only have they all been removed from my life, but rather painfully so with rips, tears, and great wounds that are still gaping and at times, still weeping.
Yet I do often wonder what this wife thinks. She has no idea on all of the backlog. Yet she has been present for six years; one would think that she has to have some sort of clue. Or maybe she doesn't, maybe she just lives under the assumption that her husband makes an effort and that he is the one that feels forgotten. Maybe it goes along with his explanation of not ever feeling like he belonged here, that he never felt that he had family here, that she is his only family now. While he, too, creates this reality of separation. Maybe it all says just as much about my own separation from our mutual family. I don't know; without communication, I can only access it from the angles of my own reality. Just my thoughts on seeing yet another angry post about uninvolved family and my thoughts on how we end up here and how it sometimes feels from the other side.
Maybe I am just tired of being disappointed, too...
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