Thought of the Day

"We never really get over devastating loss. In the thick of it, we almost stop breathing; sometimes even wishing we could. And we know deep within that we will never be the same. Yet, one day we feel the sun on our face again. We find ourselves smiling at a child or a joke or a memory. And at that moment, we realize we are finding our way back. Changed forever? Yes. But also softer, deeper, more vulnerable and more loving too. And we are breathing again."~Paul Boynton~

Dealing With Emotional Manipulators

8 Ways to Protect Yourself from Emotional Manipulation

Adding another one to the link collection.  Having spent two years in a relationship with an expert, emotional manipulator that knew all the tricks; having dealt with the patterns in my six-year relationship (especially when confronting him regarding his habitual infidelity); and having had a few, close, female friends that displayed these patterns; it is reassuring to find articles such as this one that let me know that I am not alone, and that there are ways to prevent myself from falling for these tricks in the future.  

I think the biggest one for me out of this list was #3: "Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it." Five years later, and away from PFA-guy; I still question my own sanity and the events regarding the situation.  And I guess this goes for the actions of my father during that time, too and his strict denial that I didn't remember things correctly and that I was so far "in the crazy" that I don't remember the events clearly.  More than once I have gone to other individuals involved and asked them because yes, between my ex, my father and the other people involved--there were times I began to assume that it had to be me that was not seeing clearly since all of these other individuals were telling me that I was crazy and none of it happened?  Thankfully, there were just as many folks that did witness the events, that were a part of the story and have the same recollections that I do.  It is amazing (and truly, a bit sad) how we can completely doubt ourselves and the truth when faced with these individuals and their manipulation.  Thankfully, toward the end, I did begin carrying a notebook and documenting times, calls, content and other events since everything was being questioned, twisted and was generally chaotic...

#5. "Emotional manipulators fight dirty" was a big one for me, as well.  From using my family against me, attempting to turn my employer against me and just all of the underhanded scheming and plotting--that was enough, in itself, to make me feel crazy.  Now, I am grateful that the majority of those folks are out of my life, as I see them for their true colors and realize now that they never actually were the people that I thought they were and thought that I loved.  At the time, I thought I was losing every person important to me and that mattered in my life.  I can think of few things so crippling.  And certainly, the sabotaging disguised as support, mentioned toward the end?  Another big trick-of-the-trade that will almost certainly leave one doubting themselves, their abilities and giving up on their own potential.

#8. "Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability." HUGE, HUGE, HUGE!!!  Early intimacy and the perception that they are "very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable"? Again, HUGE!!! Run while you can; recognize that you are nothing more than an insect buzzing around one of the most clever and lovely traps you can imagine--you are nothing but prey in their eyes and the dance is all an illusion.  "Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome"--truer words were never spoken...

Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Very interesting read (I apologize in advance for the typos). 20 Traits of Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Having been in a relationship with a partner that met 18.5 of the 20 traits listed here and knowing others that have escaped and are still escaping these relationships, I felt it was worth sharing. Also, please ignore the use of exclusively masculine pronouns--these can apply to women, as well.

When the PFA-ex and I attended counseling together (prior to me giving up and obtaining the PFA, of course), our therapist kept stating that he didn't believe __________ was actually bipolar, as he had been diagnosed in his past.  He never did state what he suspected the diagnosis to be, but I definitely have my suspicions... 

Yet Another Quote

"The truth was a mirror 

in the hands of God. 

It fell, and broke into pieces. 

Everybody took a piece of it, 

and they looked at it 

and thought they had the truth." 

~Rumi~

Thoughts

"It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it's time to let go.  At this point, we can choose to let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life.  Or, we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like an emotional cancer, until we wake up one day and realize we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.”  ~Jaeda DeWalt~

New Link

I am adding another site to the"Helpful Links" section.  I feel this is an important one having grown up in the environment; having had friends that were severely abused at the hands of their "law-enforcing partners" and due to feeling that most of the events on April 22, 2010 would not have transpired if my father did not wear a uniform.     Domestic Violence in Police Families

A Few Quotes by James Baldwin

I know I haven't been posting as much, lately.  I am still writing--most of it just hasn't made it into cyber space yet.  I am hoping soon to do some editing, finish some drafts and post a bit more over the next months.  For today, I wanted to celebrate the life of James Baldwin.  These are a few of his quotes that, in particular, reach out to me:

"One writes out of one thing only--one's own experience.  Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give.  This is the only real concern of the artist, to recreate out of the disorder of life that order which is art." ~James Baldwin~

"Most of us, no matter what we say, are walking in the dark, whistling in the dark.  Nobody knows what is going to happen to him from one moment to the next, or how one will bear it.  This is irreducible.  And it's true of everybody.  Now, it is true that the nature of society is to create, among its citizens, an illusion of safety; but it is also absolutely true that the safety is always necessarily an illusion.  Artists are here to disturb the peace." ~James Baldwin~

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." ~James Baldwin~

"Ask the wretched how they fare in the halls of justice, and then you will know, not whether or not the country is just, but whether or not it has any love for justice, or any concept of it." ~James Baldwin~

"All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story, to vomit the anguish up."  ~James Baldwin~

 "Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor."  ~James Baldwin~

"Art has to be a kind of confession. I don't mean a true confession in the sense of that dreary magazine.  The effort it seems to me, is: if you can examine and face your life, you can discover the terms with which you are connected to other lives, and they can discover them, too--the terms with which they are connected to other people."   ~James Baldwin~

"It is certain, in any case, that ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have." ~James Baldwin~