Survival

It has taken me many years to reach the semi-healthy state I am currently in. While some of those in my life may be shocked to even know there is a healthy side here, I am well-aware of it. And unfortunately, there have been many setbacks over the years that have demolished many of the prior accomplishments. Such is life though; at times it is hard to move beyond three steps forward and two back--this is beyond our control.

However, had you met me as a child, you would have met the shy, frightened child that was convinced that I was a horrible person. During my teenage years, the shy, frightened youth was still convinced that I was a horrible person but now my acts more often reflected it openly. During young adulthood, I struggled with the loss of my mother and the guilt that I was to blame for that as well; plus the added grief that she was gone and I was alone.

I am not entirely sure when I began to recognize that maybe they were wrong. I suppose this was a gradual process--accomplishments such as obtaining my Bachelor's Degree, my Master's Degree, becoming a homeowner, moving to the top at the company I worked for--these things surely contributed to counteracting the earlier promises that I would never amount to anything, that I would be pregnant and on welfare by sixteen. I think even more important were the few people that believed in me and had faith in me. How much influence their words carried, and still do.

My fourth grade teacher spent more time with me than anyone in my life ever had--circuses, horseback riding--quality time! Something foreign in my world. To her, I had a name and value. She was the first to reach out. I had another teacher, my senior year, that spent time with me and pushed me because she knew I was capable. She took me to Chinese, allowed me to ride in her convertible and took me to her house. I marveled at her treasures from her travels. It gave me hope that someday I could have a similar life.

Their were other adults that stepped in. When I was fifteen, I volunteered for a woman that ran a dog grooming business. She became a big sister, a confidant, shelter from many storms. When I was seventeen, I had an actual "Big Sister" that spent time with me and took me under her wing. Sometimes it was friend's mothers, sometimes it was neighbors, but there always seemed to be a guardian stepping in to catch me and help me along. I remember them all and am thankful for their guidance and support.

I think they are also the reasons that I have worked with teenagers through the years. It is such a difficult time to begin with, but when you are the family scapegoat, come from poverty, and have been bullied all your life it can be overwhelming. I was an angry child underneath the shy, quiet exterior--I became an even angrier teenager. Outwardly, depression was what showed--behind it, blind rage. Rage I had no idea how to control or even why I carried it. All I knew was that I hurt and I was mad as hell.

Life didn't get better. It got worse. For many, many years, living was my challenge and one that I did not want. Life did not get better until 28. It still wasn't always sunshine and roses, but it was my first taste away from oppression and truly being on my own. I left the abusive relationship of six-years somewhat before that, but it took some time to heal and feel human after that. Much as my last relationship knocked me through a loop that still sends me into a downward spiral from time to time; much as the interactions with my father last year pushed me even further down. Life sometimes takes an emotional toll that we can't always quickly recuperate from. But like physical illness, we can often recover from emotional illness with time and rest.

Day by day, I heal. It is a slow process and I often get angry with myself that I am not further ahead emotionally. But sometimes I must stop and look. I must stop and look at the child I was. I must look at the teenager that I grew into. I must look at the young adult that tried to quit so many times. For any of those three to look ahead and see where I am today--none would have believed it possible. They may have seen the interactions with my father and said "Well, duh! How could you NOT expect that???" Yet the 36 year old me was shocked and mortified that such a thing could happen; that a "successful" adult could be treated in such a manner, that he still treated me as he did the child, teenager, and young adult. That he still used fear, intimidation, and his authority to attempt to control my behavior. That he still sees physical force as a way to overcome me and force me to do as he says. But I have been free of him since that incident--I am feeling safer than I did last year at this time. I move on; I heal.

At some point in life, I began to realize that their labels didn't define me; that I could prove them all wrong by doing what they least expected... succeeding. I know that there are still stumbling blocks. I know that I will continue to fall more than I like. But I have come so far--so much further than any of them would have expected. Further than I ever even thought possible. 28 started a better life for me. The best years of my life were not childhood or my teenage years--I don't know who came up with that myth! But my point is, life can change at any moment. Sometimes for the better. 38 exceeds 28 and I never expected that! Especially after the heartbreaks and destruction of the last two years. It was as painful as early adulthood and again, almost impossible to survive--but I did. I continue. Again, I move forward.

Perhaps most important this time around were my friends. You have carried me, reminded me of my worth and each acted as guardian angels. A few of you knew my struggles and you acted as the family I needed. I thank you and hope that someday I can repay the love you gave me. Without you, I couldn't have continued. You are the reason I am here. Sometimes I am not sure that any of you truly realize how lost and broken I was--how hard it was to not give up. Thank you for believing in me and not giving up on me. Thank you for not allowing me to give up on myself. Thank you...