He treats me like a queen. It is so foreign to me. When I look back at relationships I have had with significant others, this one is so alien. Not to say they were all bad--some more so than others, some left deep scars, some still bring smiles--but they all seem to have a common thread: I gave; they took.
I feel equal footing with this one. I am free to be me. He does not condemn or criticize. There is give and take. There is balance. Most importantly, I feel good when I am with him. This, too, is foreign. It makes me feel sappy how much love I feel and how eagerly I await every moment with him.
I loved my other ones, too--don't get me wrong. But more often than not, loving led to pain.
"I do love you and I am happy with you; you dumb fucking cunt" was followed by "I don't see how you can be a therapist as fucked up as you are. I've never met someone as fucked up as you. I stay because I am happy but I want you to know I could get fresh fucking pussy tomorrow if I wanted it." Why do I know these word for word? Because my last one regularly spewed such lovely sentiments and then would tell me I was crazy the following day. He NEVER said any such thing. So every now and then as he was in his tirades, towering over me, screaming and spitting; I would record it. Not that it did much good... I always seemed to misunderstand what he was trying to say. He just meant he was happy and loved me. Why did I have to twist it into negativity? Because eventually I, too, believed him when he said I was crazy and was twisting things into negativity. Emotional manipulators are great at convincing you that it is all you.
My six year relationship was battering of a physical nature. Black eyes, bruises; hats pulled low. Apologies and tears following the events; promises that it would never happen again. Me always hoping that it would be the last time; but add alcohol to that one and fists were bound to connect with my face. It has been twelve years since that one ended and I still love him. We are able to talk like old friends when we run into each other. I still talk to and spend time with his family. But I never should have spent six years hoping it would change. It doesn't. And while I still love him and he admits that he messed up and wishes he hadn't lost me; I love myself more than that. I didn't deserve it then either, but I saw the good in him and allowed it to be enough. Never again. And that's why I only lasted two years with the last one--I know I don't deserve that. Nobody does.
My last one always told me that the problem with our relationship was that it lacked passion. I didn't know how to fight and how could we have a good relationship without fighting? But I don't play like that. Did I have horrible come-backs and hurtful things that I could have said in return? Hells, yes. Plenty of them. But two problems with that: I don't like to purposely hurt people and would it have fueled the flames enough for it to have crossed into physical abuse? Quite possibly. His argument eventually was that he only said these things to encourage me to fight back (he knew it would make me feel better). Much as his regular put-downs about my physical appearance were for my own good (to motivate me to lose weight) and his rages about my lack of abilities were to encourage me to try harder. Emotional manipulators convince you that your best interests are all they care about (as they destroy every last shred of your self-esteem).
So how did I end up with a good guy? With so much history of drawing in the negative, hurtful "gentlemen," how did I come out with one that listens? One that holds me? One that kisses away my tears? One that not only tolerates my weak moments when insecurity washes over me, but picks me up and tells me that I am better than that? How did I break the cycle?
I spent a year attending domestic violence meetings once a week, a minimum of three hours a week. I poured out my story, shed numerous tears and listened as other women shared their stories. Some weeks, it was the only time I left my house and I had to force myself to go. I never hit a spot in my life like I did after the PFA/police incident. I still bear more scars than I would like to admit. I can honestly say that the person I was prior to that day is so far removed from who I am now, that it confuses even me.
I have shared my story with many others, including at a "Take Back the Night" event where I shared my story while standing behind a podium, with a microphone in front of me and a roomful of strangers listening to the most painful parts of my life. It was worth it when a young girl came up to me after my speech and explained that she was going through a similar situation, thought she was alone and she didn't know where to turn. I was able to use the events that occurred in my life to ease someone else's pain and guide them. My story has also been shared in domestic violence newsletters.
How did I break the cycle? By admitting that I have made bad choices in relationships. By examining the qualities these men have in common. By examining what draws me to them and why I stayed when so many women would have left the abusers. By recognizing that a lifetime of experiences made these men seem like logical choices. By believing that I deserved it. That was the big one. I was raised by a man telling me that I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Why would I believe differently? When you are not worthy of a parent's love, how on Earth can you love yourself? When your own family sees fit to take any route necessary to control you and make you obedient--isn't it natural to seek out mates of the same nature?
So, really, how did I break the cycle? I would like to say it was good choices and wisdom that led to me being with my current partner. The truth is, I don't know. I feel like life decided that my past heartbreaks were more than one person could possibly bear and the universe decided to smile upon me for once. In truth, he is amazing in so many ways and I feel blessed to have him in my life. I never believed that I would find someone like him and it amazes me when I look at my past relationships and look at what I have now. I didn't know this was possible.
We don't fight. We talk. Sometimes he has to bang his head against my walls and ask if I am okay. When I am not, he listens. I don't feel foolish, degraded, or stupid with him. And sadly, it is still so difficult for me to believe that I deserve him. He seems too good to be true. I am afraid of being this happy. Foreign. The little voice of the past creeps in and asks "what on Earth can he possibly see in me?" "Why does he stay?" "When is the other shoe going to drop?" It is so hard to let go of the preconceived notions and just allow myself to be happy. It terrifies me. What if something happens and I lose him? Daily, I remind myself that I need to live in the moment and just enjoy my time with him. Daily, I count my blessings. Daily, I look in the mirror and say "It's okay. You have fought long and hard to be here. Enjoy it."
But it is still so damn hard...
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