One thing that I will never understand is parents that try to hurt each other through their children. It has always been a huge pet peeve of mine and I always hated being used as a tool between my own parents. Yet, I see parents doing this on a regular basis--within the families that I work with and in my personal relationships, with both friends and with partners. Maybe I don't understand due to not having children; fair enough. Yet, something inside of me says that a decent parent would not want to intentionally hurt their own child--for ANY reason.
My partner of six years had a child that he was forbidden to see, despite paying $400 a month in child support. We would send birthday cards, holiday cards--only to get nasty calls that he was to stay out of the child's life, unless he was willing to be with her, again. Attempts to discuss the situation with Domestic Relations led to them telling us to get a lawyer--but all of our money was wrapped up in child support (while she lived at home, had a good job and had it made). He was fifteen when she got pregnant (she was in her mid-twenties); he had to drop out of high school and get a job to support a child that he wasn't allowed to see--despite desperately wanting to. The child was used as leverage, on a regular basis, for him to leave me and go back to her. He missed so many years of his child's life, not because he wanted to, but because she felt their child could be used as a bargaining chip.
The relationship prior to my six years' of abstinence? She left him for another man; but when I entered the picture, she wanted him back. Her line of attack? Of course, through their child. He was told that as long as he was seeing me, he would not be allowed to see his daughter. This progressed to me receiving phone calls FROM the child: "Why are you with my Daddy? It makes my Mommy cry..." This was the same woman that sat in the bar (four years prior to me dating her ex), telling me that in two more years their relationship would be considered a "common-law marriage" and she would be entitled to half of everything he owned--including the house. She didn't love him; but she didn't want anyone else to have him either. Using her child for manipulation? Not a big deal, clearly.
My current gripe? A man paying $900 a month for two biological children, plus one that she had as a result of cheating on him (he knowingly signed his name to the birth certificate and has raised this child, as his own, since). When she decided that she deserved $1600 a month, she began decreasing his visits with the children from every other weekend to once a month, because he couldn't afford to pay her that much. Maybe it should be mentioned that he doesn't even make $1600 a month. Maybe it should be mentioned that she has six children, four different fathers, and her current husband (and newest baby daddy) makes six figures. Since May, when crazy financial figures were requested; she has let him see the children twice--once in August and once in September. This is also accompanied by phone calls from the youngest child, asking if he got a better job yet. It doesn't matter that he loves all three of the children more than life, itself. It doesn't matter that they miss him, as well. It doesn't matter that they went from having visits twenty-five weekends, plus three weeks in the summer per year, to five weekends in eleven months. Hell, it doesn't even matter that he had custody for several years while she was off playing the field. What matters is that she feels she deserves $1600 a month from him and he can't afford a lawyer.
It is times like this that I wonder if I took the wrong path in life. I was the girl terrified of becoming pregnant. I used a sponge and spermicides WITHOUT telling partners and made them use condoms, as well. I remember having the condom break once and being in an utter panic. I was never so relieved as when I was finally able to go on birth control. I may have been okay with having children, except one of my biggest fears was having that tie to a man for AT LEAST eighteen years; in reality, for life. I always viewed children as a life sentence that I never found a partner worthy of committing to. Truly, even with a decent choice for the child's father, we still only ever have control over a fraction of the parenting experience--add in stepparents, eighteen years worth of revolving parental figures--nope, no thanks. And I suppose my childbearing philosophy was largely due to the Hell known as living with both of my parents and the fun times after they divorced, as well.
I can't help but realize how many women see their children simply as a meal ticket and a free ride in life. Did I miss the boat??? My college would have been paid for had I had children. These student loans that I have been paying on for the past thirteen years and won't have paid off until 2035? They are the equivalent of a nice vehicle payment and they wouldn't exist had I been a single mother attending college. This mortgage that will also be paid off in 2035? I could have been living for free, all of this time, were I a single mother. But heck, who needs college when you can make enough income between the different fathers paying child support to lead a nice, cushy life and never have to work outside of the home? Funny, how I always saw my lack of children as a responsible act. Maybe, instead, I missed my ticket to easy street?
Don't get me wrong. I know that being a full-time mother is a full-time job. And I know that not all parents use their children as revenge and a paycheck. This blog isn't about the parents that are working hard to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. This blog isn't about parents that didn't plan to have children but it happened. I am not knocking single parents that do their best to be a mom and a dad. I have respect for anyone that loves their children and tries their best to raise them well. This one is specifically for the parents that see an opportunity and plan their own financial security by using their bodies as a factory--the parents that willing hurt their own children and use them as tools to get what they want in life. Forgive me if I have little to no respect for those individuals. I know that I am being harsh; I am just tired of seeing this situation.
I know that part of my anger is from working with children throughout the years and seeing the scars that parents have created by using their children as pawns. I have seen parents searching for diagnosis labels for their children so that they can collect government money for them. I have talked to women that were calculating how much their finances would increase by having another child and planning their pregnancy around the financial gain. These are the parents that I do not understand.
I am not suggesting that men should be free from financial obligation to their children, either. Do not get me wrong. And I am not saying that men do not also manipulate through their children--I have seen it go both ways. What I am saying is that when children equal nothing more than dollar signs; there is something seriously wrong. When children are used as a tool to hurt the ex; there is something seriously wrong. I am suggesting that when fathers want to be involved in their children's lives (and they have proven to be good fathers), but the mothers will not let them, risking hurting their own child--emotionally, psychologically, or in any other manner; there is something seriously wrong. If other people feel that I am being judgmental and hateful by posting this; there may be something seriously wrong there, too.
As a child that was hurt by such games; as an individual working to correct the damage created to children by these games; as a woman that has watched many males that I care about suffer and their children, as well--I must say that there is something wrong with a society that not only permits this, but sees it as being all right. Truly, there are more good fathers out there than people realize. There are many men being raked over the coals when they shouldn't be. There are way too many children suffering, because their parents put their own desires above the needs of their children. I wish more people would think about these issues when putting their children in the middle of their "ex wars." And, yes, we do grow up and see the truth--no matter what lies we are fed in youth. For some of us, the scars are deep enough that we can't even fathom having our own children. I wouldn't wish those experiences upon anyone; certainly not my own child, that I would imagine I would want to protect and care for.
My belief is that parents are to love their children and want what is best for them. My belief is that parents should have a unified goal to raise their children to become healthy, well-adjusted adults. And with all of that comes: playing nice with the ex, not bad-mouthing the ex in front of the children, and encouraging positive interactions between BOTH parents and the child. Maybe I am a romantic, wishing that children could have access to both parents and could find unconditional love through both their mother and father, whether together or apart. Maybe I am old-fashioned in believing that parents have an obligation to raise children that are taught to be self-sufficient. Maybe I believe that raising children to manipulate, to cheat the system and other human beings, teaching them to put their own needs above the ones they "love" and teaching them to hurt each other simply because they can--maybe I see this as a piece of society's current breakdown.
But again, what do I know? I am told these actions are completely justifiable. I am told that I just don't understand because I don't have children. If someone has a sane answer to these actions, please, clue me in. If financial gain and creating manipulation tools are what having children is about, I stand firm in having made the choice to not reproduce. I realize that maybe this blog posting was a bit harsh; but I am so tired of seeing children hurt by parents, for any reason. I also struggle with understanding why there are not more individuals offended by these situations.
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