Thoughts on Happiness

Are you truly happy?  Do you find yourself content and satisfied at the end of each day or at least, most days?  What contributes to your inner peace?  Your job?  Your family?  Your friends?  Success?  Career? 

 

If your answer was no, can you remember a time in your life when you were happy?  What was the different between then and now?  Is it something that you can change?

 

Do you have an idea what would make you happy?  If money were no object, if fear were not a factor; what would you do?  What currently holds you back? 

 

When I ask these questions, I am, of course, excluding currently impossible dreams such as time travel, seeing deceased loved ones again, changing something that has already occurred, etc.  I am only asking about the things that may actually be within the realm of possibility.

 

Was your answer to find "true love"?  To have a healthy romantic relationship with another?  Did you catch yourself thinking that happiness was tied to the past?  Did you see happiness as going back and taking that chance that you had with love?  To go back and do things differently in hopes that a past relationship could still exist?  It seems this is the common answer when people are asked what would make them happy.  It most often ends up being something that they feel they can not obtain on their own. 

 

For me, this has always been a bit puzzling.  I understand the desire to connect, the desire for a soul mate, the desire to love and be loved, in return.  What puzzles me in the number of people that feel they cannot be happy WITHOUT a relationship.  Bouncing from person to person, blindly being in lust and rebounding to the next person when it is discovered that the previous one wasn't the sunshine and rainbows they first appeared to be.  Or how often in life I have been asked when I would settle down, get married, have children--surely I could not be happy without these things?  It is as though most people believe being alone is not only a curse, but something to be avoided.  That somehow, life is better or only worth living when paired?

 

I read somewhere that the greatest predictor of having a lasting relationship is the ability to bounce back--be in from arguments, fights, or any other challenges the relationship faces.  This was in reference to the longevity of marriages, but certainly could apply to any relationship--be it with a partner, family member or a friend.  I recognize this difference in my current relationship.  Arguments are rare; but they seem to pass quickly, as well.  The feelings of hurt, anger and bitterness don't seem to run amok, as they do in some relationships .  I think this is, in part, because neither of us likes conflict and we avoid it unless absolutely necessary.  In other words, if a topic has the danger of destroying the relationship, it needs addressed--fighting for the sake of fighting?  That is a foreign concept.  Of course, there also aren't the harsh put-downs or attempts to intentionally hurt each other that occur in many relationships, which probably accounts for a large percentage of that resiliency. 

 

Oddly enough, my answer when previously asked what I wanted in life was always the same and always quite simple: Happiness.  Toasts were always made to "happiness."  Finding the genie in the bottle?  Don't bother with three wishes.  I only needed one: Happiness.  However, it hasn't always felt so simple getting there.

 

Recently, I watched a program that suggested that finding happiness relies greatly on the overall ability of an individual to bounce back from life's setbacks.  They suggested that happy people still feel disappointment, anger and other emotions--the difference was in their ability to let go of negative feelings and emotions faster.  I would tend to agree with this.  The longer one dwells in any feeling or emotion, the more it permeates all aspects of being.  It is hard to focus on the present when one is basking in the glow of past emotions--be it sorrow, anger, frustration.  Additionally, when we surround ourselves with negativity--be it people, situations or our own thoughts--it is difficult not to be tainted by the cloud of misery.  Relationships are much the same; if you focus on the resentment, you miss the good that is happening around you.  Too often, we miss the rainbow because all we see are the mud puddles that we are dodging.  Sometimes you just need to stop, stand still and look up.  Taking in the big picture can be quite freeing, if we let it.

 

On the flip side, dwelling in feelings of happiness not only encourages us to remain happy, but it is difficult to avoid sharing that happiness with others.  Smiles truly are contagious, after all.  We all have those people that we love to be around because their perspective is always so positive that we, too, catch that positivity and feel good, as well.   Is it that simple?  It can be.  This is part of the expression, positive attracts positive.  Think happy thoughts and you will be happy.  It sounds cliché; it is difficult when you are in a depressive state, but it is not impossible. 

 

I know that I often post darker topic matter here--be it dealing with past wounds, expressing grief or voicing frustration.  This is part of my own healing.  Dub it spiritual purging or lingual vomit, if you must--but it is part of how I, personally, move on.  Whatever the topic is on here, you can be sure it rolled around in my head and tormented me, until I finally typed it out.  Generally, getting it out on paper (or the screen, in this case) alleviates the toxicity for me.  Clearly, some experiences have been more traumatic than others and are frequently visited topics--but generally viewing them from different angles and getting it out helps it heal.  It has also freed me from being surrounded by the pain.  Releasing it from my mind and onto paper allows me to bounce back, to return to a freer state. 

 

I also believe a major factor toward internal happiness is making peace with the demons of negativity that plague our souls.  The little voice that tells us that we aren't good enough, that others have it better than us or are better than us.  The voice that tells us that we don't deserve happiness or good things or that they will soon be ripped away from us, so do not cling too tight.  That little voice that for some of us is our parents; for others, society--no matter where the voice came from or how it developed, the important part is squashing it.  Negative self talk is something that many of us engage in, without even being aware of it.  As long as you entertain and believe that voice, there can not be happiness.  The two can not coexist.  My belief is, there are plenty of naysayers ready to knock you down and that will attempt to destroy your happiness--do not let your own inner voice be one of them.  Life is too hard for that.  Choose instead to be your own best friend, your own cheerleader--when you do, positive changes will happen for you.  At the very least, your satisfaction and contentment with life will increase and I am pretty sure that is never a bad thing.

 

Truly, the key to happiness is self-acceptance.  There can be no lasting happiness or peace without it.  Waiting for someone else to take your broken pieces and put them back together doesn't work either.  It's a pleasant dream, but remember when I posted the part about REALISTIC dreams?  Two broken vessels may be pieced together to make one--but hold water, they will not.  The truth of the matter is, if we don't accept who we are, how can we expect someone else to?  If we do not love our self, we will not be capable of believing someone else loves us, either.  Until we have self-acceptance, we will ultimately seek out ulterior motives--because, surely, they can't be with us because they love us?  Don't they hear that voice listing out the flaws?  Don't they see those flaws that we see when we look in the mirror? 

Challenge you mind.  Quiet the negative talk--because yes, that voice needs squashed.  It will destroy any chances you have for happiness--with others, but most of all, within yourself.  Replace it with a loving voice; one that forgives yourself, as easily as you forgive and accept others.  And smile, even your own reflection is improved when it is smiling and happy.  Contentment, satisfaction with life and happiness will indeed follow.