The PFA-ex was hung up on one of his exes throughout our relationship. Well, not so much her, personally--but more specifically, her breasts. I went through that relationship being made to feel inadequate due to being a 36C as opposed to a 48D. Funny, one of his comments after I left and he was attempting to win me back, was: "I watch porn with women that have breasts shaped and sized like yours, now." Flattering; I know. Oddly enough, when we started dating he often told me how nice my breasts were due to never having had children. As our relationship progressed and he became more abusive, I was regularly reminded about his ex's huge breasts and was encouraged to seek breast augmentation. And still, despite his frequent criticism of my small breasts; he regularly made negative comments regarding what age and gravity does to big breasts, hers included. Maybe he just (not so) secretly hated women.
The PFA ex was so trapped in the past and the glory days of teenage sexual escapades that he missed most of our time together. After I left, I was added to his list of past regrets. Suddenly, I became his soulmate and everything that he wanted in a woman. Funny, how that works. When we were together, he was "sacrificing" by being with me; after I left, he decided that I was his entire world and all that was good in it. I have wondered since, if he puts his current girlfriends through similar, daily torture of how they don't meet up to aspects that I, myself, carried. It really wouldn't surprise me. It is part of how abusers destroy a partner's self-esteem and convince them that if they don't stay with them, the partner will be alone forever. Part of the abuse is convincing the partner, that no matter how horrible they are, that the abuser is kindly enough to sacrifice himself and his potential for greatness by staying with them. He tears down self-esteem and in its place puts a belief that no one else could possible want to be with you; because, yes, you are that disgusting, fucked-up and worthless. Typical abuser manipulation.
Looking back, I think maybe he had an ex-fetish, in general. Perhaps it was an obsession with attempting to reclaim what he has lost. The fact that he regularly cheated on "48D"; with an ex that came before her, really only supports this suspicion. While I was with him, he raved about all of his exes--but she was the one he still had the most regular contact with and tormented me the most through. Maybe his obsession with exes was something beyond the excitement of cheating and getting away with it?
Perhaps believing that his exes still wanted him, increased his own feelings of self-worth? Perhaps, cheating with exes was more about continued conquest, "still having it", and other internal rewards that I may never understand. Maybe because they had been with him before, knew what they were getting and were still interested--perhaps this was even more emotionally rewarding than his other indiscretions? Because truly, to suggest that he only cheated with exes would be very unfair. He genuinely was an equal-opportunity adulterer, no questions asked--it just seemed that returning to already tasted forbidden fruits was his preference. Maybe it was more about "how can I be that bad of a guy when these women still want to be with me?"
Their motivation for being with him again? Yeah, I can't say. Well, actually, I probably can. He had a passion for older women, mother figures and most importantly--woman that already had houses, financial security and that he could not only avoid providing for, but that had the potential to provide for him, instead. I was one of the very few younger woman that he dated--most were ten years or more his senior. But I, too, had my own house, possessions, financial security--his primary attractants. Additionally, I had practiced six years of celibacy prior to my relationship with him. Maybe not extremely common for someone in their late 20's/early 30's, but I was very guarded. By the time he entered my life, I was just looking for fun--nothing serious. And honestly, after six years, I didn't care so much about the fact that he was a scofflaw; but was just wanting to scratch an itch, so to say. I didn't think that I would fall for him.
I know, now, that he preyed upon financially secure women and took all that he could get from them. Up until now, I missed what I had in common with his relationships over the past two decades. He generally went for older women because they were easier to tear down; they were less secure with the fact that they were with a much younger guy. He frequently mentioned how they would be embarrassed by being mistaken for his mother, as opposed to his partner. He frequently made comments to me about how he could get "fresh, hot, young girls anytime he wanted"--I suspect that this was a leftover taunt commonly used with his older women and that he had a habit of throwing it out as a retort. I see now, where all of us were easy targets; his favorite kind. And of course, bonus, for him; I was overweight, at the time that we met--generally a decent area for attacking self-worth. And that he did--over and over.
So, Mr. PFA-ex, I think I get it. Initial attraction: a healthy combination of financial security and the potential to destroy an already shaky self-esteem. The mystery of his ex obsession. Yes, I think I understand that a bit better, now too, as well. These other women were probably easily "swept up" into his extra-curricular activities in much the same way that they fell for him in the first place--hot, younger guy looking beyond their age and showing interest in them? Easy. Add his "younger playboy" appeal to the fact that he is seeing someone else now and still "can't be without them"? Good lords, no wonder he has so many ex-affairs throughout all of his relationships. Granted, many weren't the nicest of women and I am sure they didn't care that he was in a relationship when they cheated with him. I'm sure it boosted their damaged self-esteem, just as he was boosting his own. I don't know that I really "got it" before today.
It's funny. I was happy with my breasts before I met him. They were an area that I felt was "just right." How like an abuser to take the few areas that we feel secure in and destroy that security. The rest is easy, after that. Maybe it never was so much about my small breast size. Maybe the cheating wasn't just about my physical inadequacy, as he led me to believe. Maybe these are wounds that I can cast aside and realize I may have fallen victim, but it happens to the best of us. And maybe, I should have never taken any of that nastiness to heart, in the first place.
No comments:
Post a Comment