As Much As I Could Do...

Dad,

I tried repeatedly to talk to you and you kept telling me it was between __________ and me.  You refused to listen--insisting I was on meth and needed to go to a rehab.  You don't remember how your "hug" turned into you shaking me and yelling that I needed to tell you what I was on?  Or sending other family members to my house with the message that if I didn't go to rehab, you would arrange it? Or how at the PFA hearing you stood over me, shaking your finger in my face, stating that you would get me put away, if I didn't commit myself?  That is not being supportive. That was bordering on harassment.

As the hospital tests indicated, I never was on drugs. Not only was I NOT starving myself, but my BMI was in the NORMAL range--not even underweight.  Your 302 report went from me being a witch, to talking to God, to "seeing demons and bad angels."  You claimed I was homicidal, suicidal and a bunch of other crap.  Clearly they would have kept me at the hospital if any of what you said in your 302 report had even a grain of truth--as soon as all of the tests I requested came back clean and I found a ride home, I was discharged. Somehow I fooled them? Somehow I had clean blood and urine on my person that I was able to trick them with? I wasn't on drugs. I wasn't starving myself.  What exactly was I dying from? Hasn't it occurred to you that maybe you were wrong? Why isn't that possible?

Whether you believe it or not, what you did added to my problems in ways you probably don't even realize.

Did you help by having two police officers come and rough me up? I already had a bulging disc in my back before that--I have very serious neck and back issues now because of you convincing the police that I was homicidal and needed thrown around and handcuffed like a criminal. That has cost me a small fortune over the past two years and has significantly decreased my quality of life. So I don't see how that helped me.

While we are on that one--being led into the hospital in handcuffs and being evaluated by my peers. How was that helpful? It was damaging to my career--so I really am missing how that helped me? What about your calls to my employer prior to that? In many positions, that could have cost me my job. Thankfully my employer knows me well (he was even the one that came and gave me a ride home from the hospital after you had the police deliver me there), knew the situation in full and ignored your attempts to cause problems. You say you want me to have a solid direction in life--how were any of these actions supposed to contribute to such? I could have lost my job--eight years of college down the drain. Exactly what type of solid direction is it that you had in mind as a result of that?

Let me tell you what you DID cause to happen...

Physically, the police did a lot of damage to me. I wasn't able to drive for quite some time because of that.  No driving also meant no work.  The back problems that I had have increased tenfold and I have neck problems now, too.  Two and a half years later and I am still paying for two police officers coming and throwing me around like a criminal.

You told family members that I was "a liar, have always been a liar, and that's how you knew that ________ didn't do any of those things." How can you expect me to feel all warm and fuzzy about you when these are the things that you say and believe about me? You don't think that hurt me deeply? It broke my heart and still does. I went into a horrible depression for most of the year after that and still have depression caused by that.

You violated my rights. You lied all through that 302 form and I am not sure if you are aware that if I had pressed charges, you could have gotten in serious trouble for that. Not to mention that I am lucky the judge even still granted me a PFA with my own parent trying to convince him that I was on drugs, needed locked up in Warren and that I was insane. If you had truly been concerned for my safety or was supporting me--you certainly would not have done that during my PFA hearing.

So now I have to ask, again, how exactly did you save my life? What exactly do you think you did that helped me?

I did need your support--I BEGGED you for it.  You could only see what you believed to be the issues--you couldn't then and apparently can't see, even now, what the issues were.  Yes, I got better.  But it was because of what _________ and Judge ____________ did for me.  They made ___________ leave me alone. 

I wanted your help. You refused me, not the other way around and I think if you really look inside yourself, you know that too. I realize you responded how you thought it needed to be--with guns blazing and as if I were a criminal. But I needed help, not added harassment. That was horrible and not how you treat an adult. Not how you treat someone you love, someone that was trying to escape a domestic violence issue.  Having the police come and take me away added to my already significant issues of not feeling safe on my own property; to my feelings of not feeling safe anywhere.

I realize that I can't force you to see things from my perspective. I tried explaining it to you when I was in the middle of the situation and you refused to listen then. I did not shut you out--you refused to hear any of what I said and formulated your own opinions revolving around me being on drugs, starving myself, and being insane.  You came onto my property, insisted that I was on meth and demanded that I go to rehab.  You sent other family members with the same demand.  From there it was that if I didn't sign myself into the state mental hospital--you would put me there.  You showed up at my PFA hearing demanding that Judge ___________ commit me! I tried over and over again to tell you what was going on--YOU were shutting ME out by refusing to listen to me.  Surely you can see this??? 

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but just because it is your opinion does not make it truth. 

I had sincerely hoped that after two years, you would see where maybe you were wrong. Yet clearly you still aren't hearing me. You said that you were "willing to make amends but I would have to meet you half way with it."  Why is your halfway still 100% your way?

I love you, Dad, but I respect myself enough to know that none of that was healthy for me and that it is never going to change.  I have always been a bad person in your eyes and I can't change that.  You admitted that "I have no regrets about taking the actions I took and would do the same again under the same circumstances, not because I don’t love you but because I do and always will." 

It hurts me that for as much as you say you can meet me halfway, you still aren't capable of seeing me for who I am, still not capable of hearing me--that isn't a loving relationship. That is you telling me that you know my life inside and out better than I do. It is you, telling me, that as an outsider to my life during that entire situation, that only YOU know the truth. A loving relationship entails two people willing to share and listen to each other. I don't know that you realize how hard you have always made this relationship. I do love you. I do realize that you love me--but your way of love seems to keep hurting me more than helping me. I wish you could understand that and just be supportive. That is all I have ever wanted.

I can't force you to see things from my perspective. I accept that. I realize that you will always have your opinions about me and my life and that I cannot change that.  I realize that you will continue to see the relationship as you having always done what was best for me--I even acknowledge that it is your sincere belief. That's fine. But I think in all fairness, that part of that meeting halfway is you at least pondering the possibility that it wasn't for the best--that maybe you were wrong.

The reality of it is, I can't change your mind and I am done trying. I am the person that lives my life. I am the expert on my life--not you.  I said it before: UNTIL YOU ARE WILLING TO SEE ME, UNTIL YOU ARE WILLING TO HEAR ME, YOU CANNOT BE A PART OF MY LIFE.  This is too emotionally damaging for me to keep doing. I shouldn't have to beg for you to try to understand me and be a healthy part of my life. I love you, Dad, but I am not willing to allow you to continue hurting me. I don't believe that you intentionally try to hurt me, but in all reality, that seems to always be what happens... Me forgiving, me allowing you back in my life and it happening over and over.

Even if you don't mean to hurt me, even if you think you are acting in my best interest--it isn't.  I recognize also that you keep playing this out as "me not being able to accept that you love me"--that isn't the issue either.  The issue is that you did make the wrong choice, you did make a mistake, you did hurt me deeply, and that instead of admitting it--you are trying to tell me that I don't understand my life; that you are the expert. 

The issue is, I am done trying to reason with you, when you are not capable of looking beyond yourself.  It isn't fair to me and I am very sorry that you don't understand. I have tried forwards and backwards. I shouldn't have to go to such great levels just for you to be a part of my life.  If you can't truly do it with love, if you can't truly be a healthy piece of my life, then I really can't have you as a part of it.  I hope some day you will understand this.